Apocolypse Now

Can someone please explain what's going on? We're just a few weeks shy of the 10th anniversary of 9/11. And if the memory of that horrific day wasn't enough, the world has now shaken New York with an earthquake, followed by the upcoming wrath of some woman named Irene that's supposed to be a real bitch.

How am I supposed to handle all this? I already have to worry about the price of gas, the debt ceiling, the unemployment rate, and the rising cst of college. I don't have time for natural disasters.

Maybe New York was overdue. New Orleans had their turn, and almost seceded from the union. The Carolinas regularly watch their couches float down the street, cows soar through the air in a tornado infested Kansas, and California shakes their booty every year.

So now it's our turn. Up to now, the biggest disaster we've had to deal with in this town was the New York Mets. But an earthquake and a hurricane in the same week? Talk about sticking a knife into our backs. We're not used to this.

And if someone has to punish New York, the least they could have done was go with one of the biblical plagues. I'm not talking about the biggies. Turning the Hudson River to blood, and killing our first born can't be condoned. Even I have to draw the line somewhere.

However, many of the other plagues would be a nuisance, but much more tolerable. First of all, I think we can handle a deluge of frogs. Some of them are even cute. But if you have an aversion, we'll just release a bunch of snakes and in a few hours...problem solved.

From here, we move on to Knats, Flies, and Locusts. I'm not a fan of any of these, but if you hire the right exterterminator, this is easily resolved. This city has successfully dealt with bed bug infestations. So bring on the locusts.

Boils could be an issue. Nobody wants to go on an interview or a date with one of these. It just ruins the moment. Boils may have been a threat to Egypt long ago, but that was before the invention of the Z-Pack. Moving on, I don't want to make light of Diseased livestock. This is a serious plague. Fortunately, we've already had experience with mad cow disease, so we wouldn't exactly be in foreign territory. The Bible also references horses, asses, camels, and oxen. I would feel bad for most of these animals, however, we all have some asses in our lives that we wouldn't mind seeing diseased.

The last two plagues are most closely related to the weather issues we've been having. Thunder and hail would definitely cause a few traffic accidents which wouldn't be good for anyone. Thankfully, we've dealt with the consequences of global warming for so many years that a hailstorm would seem like a walk in the park.

Lastly, we could have Darkness. Now, I could see how this would have been a problem when the Bible was written. And some of us, even now, would have a problem finding decent candles in the house. But times have changed. Thanks to Apple and Amazon, there are several devices we can use in the dark and not miss a beat. Also, many of us look better in the dark, and some of our family members have been in the dark for years.

Hopefully, we'll see very little of Irene. Stay safe.

Who passes on EZ-Pass?

The Summer is meant for driving. Driving with the window down and the radio on (that would be satellite radio) cruising the crowded roads. Unfortunately, more cars means more traffic. But don't worry. We all have EZ-Pass.

Well, don't we? It only costs $1 per month; a small price to pay for staying mobile through a toll.

But everytime I find myself navigating into the assigned EZ Pass lane, I wind up passing a huge line-up of cars on either side. There are people actually reaching for their wallets, or rummaging through their glove compartments for spare change. And these lanes barely move.

These people represent the final hold-outs. Drivers who took a stand in protest by claiming:

"I will not place adhesives on my windshield."
"I never gave up Disco, so why would I start paying my tolls differently?"

I've always wondered. Who are these people? Why are they content to sit in a line like morons, while every other car on the road breezes by them? Without a budget for exhaustive research, I can only provide my own anecdotal evidence. These drivers must come from just a small group of the general population:

1- People in witness protection programs. This makes logical sense. You wouldn't want to give anyone your address, especially a state run agency.

2- Criminals. If you're wanted in any state, you certainly wouldn't want the GPS quality of an EZ-Pass getting in your way.

3- Lonely people. After all, there's nothing social about flying through the toll lane. But when you pay cash, think of all the fun you can have with the toll collector.

4- Dummies. These people are all around you, and "if you see something, say something."

You can't blame EZ-Pass for trying. They didn't just roll over. Instead, they stepped up their game with a second generation product - - Express EZ-Pass. Now, instead of hitting the brakes to insure that your EZ-Pass registers, you can keep your speed and breeze through like Lightning McQueen. This was golden. Who wouldn't want to save valuable time on their trip?

Well, this didn't work either. To this day, thousands of cars would rather slow down than speed up. I think it says something about our personalities. EZ-Pass? High energy, Type A, driven personality. No EZ-Pass? Lethargic, unmotivated, and no ambition.

Imagine if we could use the existence of EZ-Pass as a way to select people for dates or job interviews? "How long have you had EZ-Pass?" "Where do you see it in 5 years?"

I hope as you read this, you're already a member of the EZ-Pass tribe. If not, drive through life at your own risk.