The Human Vending Machine

I've heard many metaphors to describe online dating, and frankly, most of them aren't too flattering.   Some people have described it as a bad cold, and they refer to the significantly bad kind that involves a never ending runny nose, watery eyes, and plenty of Tylenol.   Others have said that it's like being a contestant on a reality show, but the one in the first few weeks where you're either voted off the island, told you were fired, or just not good enough to move on to Vegas.

A few weeks ago, a woman added an online dating description to my list that I had never come across before, and probably won't again.   She said that it made her feel like she was in a vending machine.

A vending machine?

A little abstract, I know, but what the hell.   I went with it.

She said that everyone has an idea of what they're looking for when they're on these dating sites.   They have preferences for age, weight, hair color, previous relationship status and more.  Therefore, tastes are pre-established.  And, just like an appetite for food, preferences can change periodically depending on your particular mood, or by what you may have eaten recently.

So, she felt like any date she had was merely someone finding her on a whim just because someone felt like pulling her lever that day.   I still had to wrap my head around this concept, but I did my best picturing her sliding down to the bottom of the machine, with her date on the other side attempting to get her out of the bottom basin without getting her permanently lodged.  And such would be the trials and tribulations of the human vending machine.   I took it a step further and wondered if she would provide change on the way down the chute.

It also got me thinking of some of my recent dates, and how I came to make my selections.   Better still, did I really get what I paid for?

Some of them fooled me.   They looked great in the packaging but didn't quite seem the same afterwards. I think I may have even gotten a little nauseous.  Others were very sweet, and maybe even too sweet when I realized that I wanted something a little saltier.

I did have a few that contained a much higher fat content that originally advertised, and let's face it.  That can just kill your appetite.  And there were others that I thought were chocolate covered, contained caramel nugget, or sprinkled topping, that turned out to be very plain instead.

The worst, of course, was willfully selecting the regular variety, only to find out that they were nuts.  And I mean really nutty.   The kind of nuts that you just can't scrape off no matter what you do.   The type of nuts that can ruin the whole snack.

Similar to an actual vending machine, if you don't like what came down, you can't give it back.  You're stuck with it.   But fortunately, only for a little while.  After all, it's just a snack.   Not a whole meal.   And maybe that's what this woman was really trying to get across.

Online dating is just like snacking.   It tides you over.  It gets you through the day.   This way of meeting people is not meant to bet your steady diet at all.   That needs to come from somewhere else.   A grocery store or restaurant with better food and healthier selections.   Some place where you do the cooking yourself or a professional does it for you.

So, we'll leave the human vending machine to the nibblers.  They'll always be a market for those.   But for the people who want the full five courses?

They'll have to go somewhere else.