Olympic Basements and Back Yards

When I was a kid, I remember listening to one of my favorite George Carlin routines called, "Sports." For those of you not as familiar, Carlin expertly defines what qualifies as a sport and then deftly proves how a majority of well known sports simply don't make the grade.

One of his rules was that to be an established sport, your game must use a ball. This eliminated hockey from the conversation to which Carlin added, "Hockey is played with a puck. The only other time a puck has been used is in a urinal in the men's room."

Well, that was over 30 years ago, and I think the list needs a refresher. And I can think of no better time than the 2012 Summer Olympics. Just look on any program grid, and some of these games just stick out like a sore thumb. You already know where I stand on beach volleyball. But when you add ping pong and badminton to the repertoire, you begin to see a trend.

These aren't Olympic sports. They're leisure activities you do with family and friends on the weekends. And I think there should be one simple rule for all Olympic sports.

If you can play it in your basement or in your back yard, it's not a sport.

At this pace, it's only a matter of time before air hockey becomes an Olympic sport. Just a hunch, but I think Canada would be considered the favorites. Especially if the players get the urge to grab a stick and play on the table.

But let's play this out a few steps further. What if the Summer Olympics allowed just about anything you can do in a basement or in a back yard? Think of the possibilities!

First, I could see them adding "Barbecuing." The trials alone would make for must-see TV. Just a bunch of fat guys holding a beer and flipping burgers. And I can hear the announcers, "just look at his seasoning technique, not to mention the way he cleans that grill."

Another backyard favorite, and a natural for the Summer, would be "Tag." Wouldn't that be awesome if you were known as one of the best Tag players in the world? Some players would be great "eluders", while others would master being "It."

Next, for those who love the winter slalom, you won't have to wait every 4 years anymore. Now we'll have a fine summer equivalent when we add "Slip and Slide" to the 2016 games. Just imagine those athletes racing down steep hills on their stomachs. It will be sight to behold. Some players will be even be disqualified for falling onto the grass. Oh, the heartbreak.

Of course, no backyard Olympic sport would be complete without adding, "Swings." We would have 2 distinct categories. One for height, and the other for distance. When it comes to distance, athletes would jump off the swing and land in a sand lot. Picture the current long distance jump, but from a swing set. (Extra points of course, for the nicest swing set.)

I would be remiss if I didn't explore the basement as well. Especially because they already allow ping pong. So, the first basement qualifier would be Olympic "Twister." Wouldn't you love to proudly say that you made the All American Twister team? It has nice cache. And I'm sure the uniforms would be very cool.

If you couldn't make the Twister team, there would always be "Monopoly." Each country would be represented by a different token. We'd give the car to the Japanese. England gets the top hat. Italy claims the thimble. The U.S. will don the wheel barrel. However, this would not be our best event. Somewhere along the line, we'd get caught for stealing money.

And finally, no Summer Olympics would be complete without the addition of that game of sweet revenge, "Sorry." Another perfect fit. The colors on the board match many of those in the Olympic rings, so it's a great ambassador of the games. And I couldn't think of any other sport, where just at the moment you move ahead of your opponent, you utter that thoughtful word, "sorry."

No one's sorrier than me that that the London games continue to let just about anyone in.

Going for The Gold.....Remote

The Summer Olympics are here, and I have to admit that I've never been a huge fan.

I guess I'm more attracted to the Winter and not just because I have hockey in my veins. There's just something exhilarating about the risk of skiing and bobsledding that's always managed to grab my attention. And I'm still entertained with curling because one - I don't get it - and two -that one guy looks like a very quick handed version of a janitor every time.

Nonetheless, I didn't want to let my seasonal Olympic bias to affect my kids. If they want to watch people twirl on the parallel bars, or swim like dolphins in a swimming pool, well, who am I to interfere?

This past weekend had its share of competition, but not just in London. A fierce battle of wills took place in my living room. For the remote. In fact, it was so good, I started thinking about petitioning for Remote Control jousting as a new Olympic sport.

This particular disagreement had to do with the battle between a previously recorded Olympic event or the unmistakably live Yankees/Red Sox game on Saturday night. In my house, the greatest rivalry in sports usually wins. But on this night, an unexpected battle ensued.

You see, this was the day that my kids discovered something so earth shattering, so inspiring and athletically enthralling, that they wouldn't be denied. You guessed it.

Beach Volleyball.

Was this for real? Turn back to the Yankee game!

"No, Dad. I want to watch this one match."

Were they kidding? Recorded, tape delayed, beach volleyball? First of all, it's 2 on 2. So we're not talking about the ball hitting a series of hands here. It's only 4 people on the court. On the beach. This was an Olympic sport?

My kids couldn't turn away. But I wanted to. The Yankees had just tied the game on a Marc Texiera 2-run blast over the right field wall. This was Yankees-Red Sox. A game with 9 players....on the grass. We watched for a few minutes. And just as the game hit its crescendo......back to beach volleyball.

NBC raised the stakes by mentioning that the American tandem had never lost a match in almost 3 consecutive Olympic appearances. Very impressive. But again, this was 4 people playing on the beach. From my view, it could have been a pick-up game.

I lunged for the remote, but my daughter has become very adept at concealing it by using her body to shield off my approach. Sometimes her sister even sets a pick. Realizing that this was no use, I tried to use logic. I explained the history of the baseball rivalry, but that meant nothing to them. Then I took the live vs recorded earlier route and encouraged them to head to the computer to see who won. Who was I kidding? To them, this DVR, and tape delayed program was just as good as live. And besides, who do you think they wanted to emulate more? A bunch of ballplayers spitting between strikes or women on the beach wearing bathing suits and really funky protective goggles?

In the end, the Americans won. And so did the kids.