Before having both hernia and hip surgery, I was an athlete. Not professional, of course, but I held my own in several different sports.
I'd stick handle around opponents in both ice and roller hockey. At shortstop, I would take a relay throw with my back to the plate, and still manage to nail the guy at home. The summers were filled with tennis consisting of bouncing around the court and getting to difficult balls, not to win the point, but merely to keep the volley going. And occasionally, I would drive a softball in the gap between the center fielder and right fielder.
Those were the days.
These days I'm relegated to watching these sports on television which even in HD, fails to deliver the same rush. My recent retirement from competitive sports has also forced me to stay home a lot more, officially replacing athletic endeavors with household activities. And quite frankly, when it comes to many of these chores, I just don't have the same prowess or dexterity.
Every Monday and Thursday, I engage in a game called, "Taking Out the Garbage." This event requires both strength and agility as you have to navigate around parked cars in the garage and the driveway. I've never fully mastered the art of avoiding a scratch or two on the cars, and I consistently knock over cans and spill the recyclables. I am, however, very good the next day while bringing the empty cans back into the garage and in excellent time. With a little work, there is some hope for me here.
The next challenge is a cyclical game known as "The Laundry." I'm pretty good with the separation of colors and whites, but my performance falls off dramatically when I keep clothes in the dryer for too long. When completed, my clothes either fit a midget, or I create a hot towel that would rival anything you would receive in first class. Carrying a full basket up the stairs also poses problems as I inevitably litter the floor behind me with someone's socks or underwear. My family says that I should practice more, but I suspect they have ulterior motives.
Fortunately, I'm not horrible at everything. I improve considerably when it comes to an intense and strategic game called, "Unloading the Dishwasher." I think the prospect of eating a complete meal with my hands keeps me motivated to keep the flow of clean plates and silverware moving, and most of the time I manage to put away the wine glasses without a fatal accident. However, I have been known to turn a few drinking glasses into terrorist weapons.
Without question, my most interesting weekly activity is a scavenger hunt game known as "Food Shopping." First of all, it gets me out of the house. I get a list, so I do have a specific goal to strive for. My equipment can either be a shopping cart or basket depending on how big the list. Keeping my competitive juices flowing, I try to complete the task in record time, without forgetting a single item. To insure that I don't get too cocky, my wife includes at least one mysterious item that doesn't fit neatly into any particular aisle. After all, how am I supposed to know where they keep the low fat, vitamin-enhanced salsa?
The doctors say I need a new hip, which doesn't mean a hip transplant, but a science fiction version of a ball and socket. They also say that the surgery will never bring me back to playing all the real sports I used to know and love. But I have found one positive. By having TSA security at the airport periodically check on my surgeon's work through an X-ray machine, I should be able to save money on a few follow-up doctor's appointments.
Next week I get to play a new game called, "Walking the Puppy." If you avoid stepping on your dog's land mines, you're a winner.
