The Land of Make Believe

The Academy Awards have always amazed me. And for that matter, so has Hollywood. It's not for all the glory that comes with being a movie star, but how we make them stars in the first place.

Our first problem is that we think we actually know these people.

It wasn't too long ago that the only time you saw these movie stars was in the movies themselves or with Johnny Carson. The digital age has certainly changed all that. If you haven't watched enough of your favorite actors on a variety of different television interviews, well, not to fear. They can be seen and heard....EVERYWHERE.

They have Facebook pages and Twitter accounts. It's like they're personally telling us about their day. Just like one of your friends. Not into social media? No problem. They can speak to you right on You Tube. That's right. They'll send you one-to-one video messages the morning after one of their celebrity parties. Or maybe they want to discuss a new project they're working on, so they post a video blog...just for you.

Do we actually believe this crap?

The truth is we've bought what Hollywood has been selling for decades. Just think about the relationships we've formed with the actors. At their core, these people are playing people that they're not. Except maybe Jack Nicholson and Jason Statham. For the rest of them, a writer creates a character, the actors play a role, eventually get typecast, and we suddenly think that archetype is real. Was John Wayne really a cowboy? Nah, just an alcoholic. Is Liam Neeson always trapped somewhere? No, my Father once took a leak next to him before a Broadway show, and he successfully made it out of the bathroom. Could Ryan Gosling be that disturbed? Alright, he might be.

The point is that these thespians are best known for being people that they're not. (Again, with the exception of Jack Nicholson.) But to the majority of us, they are their characters.

Our naiveté continues at the Award shows, and right on the Red Carpet. For almost two hours, people sit riveted to commentators discussing what the women are wearing. I can tell you what they're wearing. Someone else's dresses. They're given away by designers so they can be showcased on television around the world. So, even their clothing isn't real. The same goes for many of the shoes. Next, we move on to the jewelry, which is also a corporate "donation." So when you think about it, the last genuine thing that these actors will do before the Academy Awards is take a shower. Unless they took one at a hotel, and then the soap and shampoo would also be a donation.

Alright, so let's review. These actors play people they're not, put on dresses that aren't theirs, and wear someone else's jewelry. Well, at least they use their real names, right? I mean, nothing could be more genuine than your birth name. Marilyn Monroe is Norma Jean Baker. Whoopi Goldberg is Caryn Johnson. Cary Grant is Archibald Leach. Helen Mirren is Ilynea Mironoff. Demi Moore is Demetria Guynes, and Ben Kingsley is Kirisha Bhanji. Actors aren't even who they say they are.

One final layer of now you see it and now you don't is the pervasiveness of plastic surgery. On tonight's Awards show you're bound to say at least once, "wow, she's really aged well." Hey, cheese ages well. It's called a facelift. But for some reason, we delude ourselves into believing that with exercise and the right diet, you can be 70 and have skin like a baby's ass. I'm not sure if we're that stupid or the plastic surgeons are that good.

So, tonight we'll all be tuned to a very real show with fake people and their fake faces wearing their fake dresses and faking that they're actually happy to be there. It sounds like the plot of a great movie.

But I guess we're not that different. After all, many of us play several different roles each day. We're husbands and wives, parents and grandparents, lovers, employees, coaches, business owners, speakers, and community leaders. We get dressed up in different uniforms, change our personalities to cater to whatever situation we find ourselves in, and some of us even change our names. We don't do this for fortune and fame, but for survival. So, in a way, we're all actors.

I think the Kinks said it best in "Celluloid Heroes."


Everybody's a hero
And everybody's a star
And everybody's in movies
It doesn't matter who you are

There are stars in every city
In every house and on every street
And if you walk down Hollywood Boulevard
Their names are written in concrete

Happiness is........

Every time a celebrity self-implodes and destroys their life, I always ask myself the same question:

How did they get so unhappy?

They all begin the same way. Small kids and big dreams. It doesn't matter if you want to throw out the first pitch at Yankee Stadium, bang out a solo on a Broadway stage, make an acceptance speech at the Academy Awards, or play lead guitar for a Grammy winning rock band. If you have the talent and the desire, mix in a fair amount of timing and luck, you just might get what you came after.

Then comes the money which invariably breeds ownership of a highly coveted asset - access. Access to just about anything your heart desires. Cars, homes, jewelry, parties, people....there isn't any aspect of life beyond your reach.

For the majority of us, this would be the pinnacle. Everything we ever wanted. Or would it?

When we view the death of Whitney Houston, it makes me wonder. Here's a girl surrounded by a loving family, who begins by singing in a church. With a voice seemingly from the heavens, she ascends from the church choir to singing at the Super Bowl. She marries a fellow recording artist (I was trying to be nice to Bobby Brown), has a child, and buys a beautiful home. Fast forward a few years and it's all replaced by drugs, alcohol, and prescription medication. Where did it all go wrong?

She wasn't happy.

When it comes to happiness, even the best scientific researchers are uncertain of the root cause. Psychologists suggest that money isn't a surefire solution to being happy, and raising a family isn't an elixir either. Some have opined that the key is being happy with what you have, and not focus on what you don't. However, this usually fools most people for about a week, before they revert back to their pessimistic ways. You can theorize in the opposite direction and say that we always want what we can't have and therefore we're doomed from the start.

But that's crap.

So, I sat down and thought about the things that universally make us happy. And I'm not talking about sex. Because as we all know, sex has a way of leading to several other problems. Just ask any politician. Therefore, in no particular order, here's the short list, and for some a bucket list, of things that tend to invoke a smile, no matter your current position in life;

Ice cream - I don't know what it its, but even without toppings, this one's a surefire winner

The smell of a new car - My friends and I used to joke that if you could bottle it, chicks would attack you as if you were in an Axe commercial.

Overcoming fear - It makes no difference what your phobia is. Beat it, and you'll feel like you can do anything.

A first kiss - No matter what stage you are in your life, whether an old or new memory, this will breathe life into yours.

A good story - From a book, a film, television series, or from a friend over coffee...nothing engages us more.

Helping others - I've yet to meet anyone who donated their time or money to a good cause and didn't feel better afterwards.

Friends that tell you the truth - We have a tendency to surround ourselves with those who like us, not those who tell us like it is.

A baby's smile- Watching a baby smile reminds us all of the purity and innocence we once had, that we spend the rest of our lives trying to get back.

I hope you find what truly makes you happy. Maybe that's why I keep writing.

My Funny Valentine

Valentine's Day will certainly be different for me this year. The mother of my children will still be a part of it. But instead of a candlelit table, this year's festivities will take place at the negotiating table.

Yes, it's true. My Valentine's Day will be spent in divorce mediation.

Falling under the popular category of "You Just Can't Make This Shit Up", this mediation is certain to have magic in the air. There's just nothing more romantic than sitting in a room with two divorce attorneys, a mediator, and a woman who's trying to take half your money.

At times like these, gift giving can be very complicated. First of all, what do you get for the woman who has everything? That's right. My attorney. She really does have everything, namely, all my money. So perhaps, indirectly, I've paid for a few gifts along the way. Like that new iPhone she has.

Next up, we have the mediator. The problem with her is, any gift she receives would immediately get split in half. So, does that mean I should buy her 2 gifts? This way when she cuts them evenly, the two halves would make a whole gift. Well, that could get expensive, and after all, I'm trying to save money here.

A gift for my ex-wife's attorney is completely out of the question. If not for the obvious reasons, then because of what she'd do with it. Somehow, it would backfire on me. I'd be asked to provide a receipt for the purchase, then it would be used against me as proof that I spend frivolously when the money could have gone to alimony.

Finally, there's my ex-wife. The first thing that goes through my head is all the money I've spent on her over the years for Valentines Day. My mind races through the numbers, and I wish I had even 75% of that back. Then, you move on to the total number of Hallmark cards. Five bucks a pop for someone else's words that years later you don't mean anymore. It kind of makes you think that Hallmark could make a mint if it began selling "You're Divorced' greeting cards;

"On this very special day, I'd ask that you don't take all my pay"

"Wishing you a sweet Valentine, please stop taking all that is mine"

The only appropriate gift would be some form of practical joke. Something like a flower that squirts water into her face or a pen with exploding ink. If all else fails, I can always fall back on offering her a piece of gum that snaps back on the finger like a mouse trap.

Wait a minute. These sound more like gifts for the kids. Maybe I'll apply them to child support.

This should be a Valentines Day to remember.