Toilet Paper Trail

So what is it with girls and toilet paper? I didn't think that gender mattered when it came to the consumption of Charmin, but as I'm slowly learning.....it does.

You can't possibly have insight into any of this from the beginning. Boys and girls both start in diapers. And depending on their tolerance of natural milk, regular Similac, or soy, the pace in which you buy Pampers is all about the same.

The truth about toilet paper use doesn't begin to surface until the first vestiges of potty training. And even then, any patterns that develop are too premature to write a thesis.

But something happens around 8 years old that seems to separate the girls from the boys. Forget puberty, hormones, training bras, and facial hair as common distinguishing factors. You could actually tell someone's gender by merely looking at how often you need to remove that magic rod that somehow keeps the toilet paper in place.

You see, boys and eventually men, usually take a little longer on the bowl, but when they're done it's just a mere few squares and they're out of there. Girls, on the other hand, are much faster about their daily business, but when they're finished, they treat the toilet paper like soap and practically bathe with it.

I live this any time my daughters visit me. I've never had formal training as a plumber, but I've now used a plunger more times in the last 6 months than I have in my entire life. And let me tell you, it isn't the highlight of my week. I keep thinking I'm on some reality show called, "Man vs Toilet, " and let's just say I don't have a winning record.

I think my problem is I over analyze how the damn toilet became so clogged in the first place. Two minutes in the bathroom turns into half a roll in the toilet? How does this happen? Their bodies just aren't that big. But somehow, they manage to send the toilet into an angioplasty. So, I plunge.

But some jobs are too big for the plunger. A few times I literally had to fish the toilet paper out wearing a pair of gloves like a surgeon. This is usually the moment when I ask myself how I could be wearing a Brooks Brothers suit during the day and suddenly switch to a Hazmat suit at night.

I recently relayed this story to a colleague at work and he expressed similar horror stories with his girls. Apparently, I'm not the only father with serial flushers in the house.

Last week, I took the kids to Washington D.C. for a few days. It wasn't only for the educational value. It was also to give my pipes a break. And it gave me a few extra days off as well.

Despite being in a hotel, the girls were up to their usual habits. The only difference this time?

I let the Westin deal with it.

iCloudy

For the last few years, I've viewed my iPad like a third child. You would think this would be to the chagrin of the real children. However, because they had full rights to play apps on my iPad, they gave me a free pass. In fact, they even treated my iPad better than they treated each other.

I wish I could say the same about myself.

About 3 weeks ago, while departing from a NJ Transit train, I dropped my iPad. I shouldn't say drop, it was more like it decided to go bungee jumping. Yes, it was in a case. But it didn't matter. The case opened and it fell face down onto the concrete. To be honest, it almost felt like a suicide.

The results were about the same. The glass cracked in several places and diagonal fault lines appeared across the entire 11" circumference of the screen. Somehow, it still functioned, but it was like looking at the world with cataracts.

I was furious with myself for being a klutz with such a delicate device and my kids weren't too happy when they discovered that one of their siblings was headed to the emergency room, perhaps forever.

I just couldn't be without the iPad for too long, so I bit the financial bullet and ordered the latest version. My friends accused me of sabotage, like some pyromaniac trying to take advantage of the insurance company. Did I subconsciously drop the iPad 1 on the ground so I could give myself a convenient excuse to buy a new one? Not a chance. The new iPad comes with a $729 price tag plus tax. That's the equivalent of two whole hours of charges from my divorce attorney. Accidents happen and you pay for them, so I did.

I ordered a new one by mail, and about a week later, I was back in business.

Now, I just had to set it up. You optimize, sync, download, back-up, register, restore, all in the name of bringing my third child back to life. In this process, the system asks for a variety of passwords. You have one for iTunes, another for your work email, an additional one for the new iCloud, and one needed to lock your iPad.

I was a champ. I pressed every button that they required and got back to full functionality. I tested the new cameras, the dictation button, admired the clarity of the screen, watched a video and then placed it down for a few minutes. When I came back, the iPad acted normally and locked...asking for a password.

That was easy enough. I slapped one in, but it was wrong. Hmmmnn.... Let me try this again. I tapped some more and I was 0 for 2. During the third try, Apple raised the ante.

"Try back in two minutes"

Two minutes later, I failed again.

"Try back in 5 minutes".

5 minutes later, I was 0-5.

"Try back in 60 minutes"

What? 60 minutes? I kept thinking that I could have stayed up all night and this this pace, I would have eventually waited longer to get in than it took for the device to ship. Maybe, by the time I figured it out, Apple would have released the iPad 4.

I know what you're thinking. How could I have possibly forgotten a password that I created just a half an hour before? But how many passwords to you have in your life? 15? 20? On any website I use, I'm probably the biggest abuser of the "Forgot Password?" button. I've hit that for Facebook, Linked In, my bank, my office computer. You name it, and I've forgotten it.

Apple told me to start again and restore to factory settings. This time I had a pad and pen.

So mind became a little iCloudy. It happens to all of us at one time or another. Or have I finally crossed over into that age where you forget the names of movies, actors, and the restaurants you've been to?

I hope not. But I shouldn't worry. I just have to wait a few more months before someone creates an app for memory loss.

Now, if I can only remember my iTunes password.