I've been a Yankee fan for as long as I remember throwing a baseball to my Father. In fact, it was my Father who wisely introduced me to the rich and storied sports history that defines this franchise.
And as a fan, I've bought a host of different Yankees memorabilia over the years. I have a series of different caps, a wide collection of baseball cards, drawers full of shirts, old scorecards, miniature bats, yearbooks, and old newspapers outlining specific championship seasons.
With that said, and after over 30 years as a Bronx faithful, I was pretty convinced that I either had or had seen everything that the Yankees could stick their logo on. Until now.
The Yankees have just launched a new cologne. That's right. And not just for men. They have something for the ladies as well. After several World Series wins, The Yankees finally have their own fragrance. But did they really need one? Did the fans ask for this? Was cologne the one black hole in the Yankees souvenir catalogue?
I haven't made my way over to Macy's yet to get a whiff, but I can't even imagine what it smells like. Well, maybe I can. There are endless possibilities.
At the lowest extreme, it would smell like the players after an extra inning game. So some mellifluous combination of sweat, dirt, black anti-sun glare, and tobacco. That should make the ladies jump all over you like an Axe deodorant commercial. More likely, the faint smell of Yankee sweat will have the opposite affect, and repel like a roach motel, sending women scurrying for the exits.
So let's be more optimistic. Maybe they chose the smell of the ballpark itself. You know it. That unmistakable pungent smell of peanuts, crackerjack, and Budweiser. This should be a big hit with the ladies bottles. After all, men like to eat snacks while drinking beer, so if you can reproduce this odor in the bedroom, it sounds like a real winner.
They also may have gone a more rugged route. If you mix the pine tar from the bats with the resin on the pitcher's mound, and add just a hint of leather, you get a manly mix of baseball that quite frankly, could rival the raw hide of any cowboy. And considering how well cowboys sold Marlboro cigarettes over the years, maybe the Yankees are on to something big.
Call me crazy, but I just don't have a lot of faith in this glorified Yankees temporary keepsake that you'll need to keep buying every few months. And I certainly hope that they didn't put as much thought into it as I have. But maybe there was a very easy way to insure success.
Find out what cologne Derek Jeter wears......then slap a Yankee label on the bottle.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Pump You Full of Unleaded
By now, we're all aware of the the wild spike in gas prices. If you fill up your tank at least once a week, the new monthly cost is now
equivalent to leasing a BMW, a Mercedes, or an Audi. The irony, of course, is that the car you're filling with gas is most likely not one
of these vehicles. Of course, I don't speak for all.
The causes of this spike have been somewhat of a debatable issue of late. Some fall back on basic supply and demand. However, most analysts and pundits have proclaimed that this rather simplistic economic position is not currently the culprit. So then, our politicians move on to the next theory - - Fear of Shortages. That's right. We don't actually have a supply issue now, but if if we bomb Iran, well, then all bets are off. In fact, if anyone bombs Iran, all bets are off. So just the mere threat of this activity should cause gas prices to rise. But this has also been refuted. Energy experts say Iran's oil supply could literally go out of business, and there would still be enough to go around.
Which brings us to the last and final possibility. This one falls squarely on Wall Street. Chronicled both in the Wall St. Journal and CNBC, the suggestion states now that the traders no longer have real estate to push around, they moved back into their old reliable money maker - the manipulation of oil futures. The sheer complexity of this is hard to imagine. Individual firms drive up the price of a barrel of oil, so they can show significant profits for themselves and their managing directors.
No matter what the reason is for $4 plus per gallon, there's only one entity that gets screwed. And if you haven't noticed, that would be you. And you're just the beginning. The trickle down moves forward to include car dealers who suddenly can't move large sport utilities off their lots. The airlines dramatically raise their prices because their costs have gone up. In turn, hotels suffer. Specific retailers are the next to take a hit because consumers have less disposable income. And the bad news just keeps rolling downhill.
So, after I thought that I factored in all that can be affected by sky high gas prices, I discovered another that I would never have considered. Ironically, this one happened at the gas pump itself. Down to less than a quarter of tank on my mid-sized Honda Accord, I arrived at a station, and asked the attendant to "filler up". The final cost was almost $60. Holy crap. He quoted the price by saying, "60 dollars, my friend." I said, "for $60, I don't know if I can call you my friend." He laughed and told me that this fare was cheap compared with an earlier arrival of a Cadillac Escalade that took $148 to top off! Then, I laughed. But then he became serious. He said that there was another victim in this current gas crisis. Himself. So, he relayed a story from last night. Two teens were hiding in the bushes, and waited for a quiet period; the perfect time to strike. They approached his booth, flashed 2 guns and asked him to get out. Then, they pressed the guns up to his head. Trying to stay calm, he said that he didn't want any trouble and suggested that he vacate the station so they could take anything they wanted. He ran to a house across the street for shelter and the teens did indeed take "anything they wanted." The police came, but unfortunately...too little, too late. He told me that once gas goes over $4 per gallon, thieves naturally assume that the attendants have more money on hand. And they're right. So now, the gas attendants count as another addition to the long list of pawns emanating from high gas prices.
So when will it end? When can attendants feel safe to do their jobs, and families have enough money to travel regularly and spend money? It's anyone's guess. But you know what would be great? For just one weekend, I'd love to see everyone walk. Just walk everywhere. Go to your playdates, the gym, the mall, the grocery store, and just walk. We'll call it a "Forrest Gump" weekend. The streets would be flooded with people. You may actually talk to you neighbors. And the gas stations would be empty. A crazy thought, but it's very doable.
But before you officially leave your car in the garage, just make sure to make one more stop. At Sports Authority. And buy yourself a new pair of running shoes.
The causes of this spike have been somewhat of a debatable issue of late. Some fall back on basic supply and demand. However, most analysts and pundits have proclaimed that this rather simplistic economic position is not currently the culprit. So then, our politicians move on to the next theory - - Fear of Shortages. That's right. We don't actually have a supply issue now, but if if we bomb Iran, well, then all bets are off. In fact, if anyone bombs Iran, all bets are off. So just the mere threat of this activity should cause gas prices to rise. But this has also been refuted. Energy experts say Iran's oil supply could literally go out of business, and there would still be enough to go around.
Which brings us to the last and final possibility. This one falls squarely on Wall Street. Chronicled both in the Wall St. Journal and CNBC, the suggestion states now that the traders no longer have real estate to push around, they moved back into their old reliable money maker - the manipulation of oil futures. The sheer complexity of this is hard to imagine. Individual firms drive up the price of a barrel of oil, so they can show significant profits for themselves and their managing directors.
No matter what the reason is for $4 plus per gallon, there's only one entity that gets screwed. And if you haven't noticed, that would be you. And you're just the beginning. The trickle down moves forward to include car dealers who suddenly can't move large sport utilities off their lots. The airlines dramatically raise their prices because their costs have gone up. In turn, hotels suffer. Specific retailers are the next to take a hit because consumers have less disposable income. And the bad news just keeps rolling downhill.
So, after I thought that I factored in all that can be affected by sky high gas prices, I discovered another that I would never have considered. Ironically, this one happened at the gas pump itself. Down to less than a quarter of tank on my mid-sized Honda Accord, I arrived at a station, and asked the attendant to "filler up". The final cost was almost $60. Holy crap. He quoted the price by saying, "60 dollars, my friend." I said, "for $60, I don't know if I can call you my friend." He laughed and told me that this fare was cheap compared with an earlier arrival of a Cadillac Escalade that took $148 to top off! Then, I laughed. But then he became serious. He said that there was another victim in this current gas crisis. Himself. So, he relayed a story from last night. Two teens were hiding in the bushes, and waited for a quiet period; the perfect time to strike. They approached his booth, flashed 2 guns and asked him to get out. Then, they pressed the guns up to his head. Trying to stay calm, he said that he didn't want any trouble and suggested that he vacate the station so they could take anything they wanted. He ran to a house across the street for shelter and the teens did indeed take "anything they wanted." The police came, but unfortunately...too little, too late. He told me that once gas goes over $4 per gallon, thieves naturally assume that the attendants have more money on hand. And they're right. So now, the gas attendants count as another addition to the long list of pawns emanating from high gas prices.
So when will it end? When can attendants feel safe to do their jobs, and families have enough money to travel regularly and spend money? It's anyone's guess. But you know what would be great? For just one weekend, I'd love to see everyone walk. Just walk everywhere. Go to your playdates, the gym, the mall, the grocery store, and just walk. We'll call it a "Forrest Gump" weekend. The streets would be flooded with people. You may actually talk to you neighbors. And the gas stations would be empty. A crazy thought, but it's very doable.
But before you officially leave your car in the garage, just make sure to make one more stop. At Sports Authority. And buy yourself a new pair of running shoes.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Dog Doo
I love my dog. In fact, I love all dogs.
The only problem is that these days I see others more than mine. Since my family and I are now living separately, the dog became one of the many casualties. The fact that my building doesn't allow dogs only complicates the matter.
So, my visits with "Mocha", the Yorkshire Terrier/poodle, are limited to a quick hello at the door when I'm picking up my kids for a weekend visit. Even then, my ex-wife has become very territorial. When I ask if the dog can come out for a quick hello, she says that the dog is exhausted and sleeping when, in fact, I not only can hear Mocha barking, she's also visibly scratching at the window at the side of the front door. So much for that alibi.
In divorce, there's a lot that you can split evenly. A dog isn't one of them. Because unless you're David Copperfield, this dog is destined to stay in one piece. And despite the fact that our Mocha will clearly be living with the kids, I've actually been asked to financially support her.
Yes, that's correct. Dog alimony.
I asked my attorney, called a few friends who are attorneys, and caved into researching on the web, and I couldn't find one law that provides for what amounts to "doggy support." Now, I've always considered pets to be an integral part of every family. And we all form strong attachments that are akin to our brothers and sisters. But at the end of the day, this is an animal.
First, I thought that maybe Mocha hired her own attorney. After all, Jim Carrey was a Pet Detective. Maybe there were Pet Lawyers as well. I didn't find any listed.
Nonetheless, I wondered what my dog would be asking for next. Did I have to also provide winter sweaters and new feeding bowls every year? Was she entitled to an annual vacation? Weird things begin to circle through your head. It was a good thing we had her spayed, otherwise, I may be asked to pay for child support. God, and what about college? And braces?
The logic behind why I should pay for pet expenses was also an exercise in either insanity or an intelligence that has yet to be discovered. The argument went something like this:
"Well, we really didn't want a dog....you did"
"You named her, you should pay for her."
"You walked her most often."
Holy crap. This faulty deductive reasoning rivals the purported need for 3-D television and Nicki Minaj.
Needless to say, there's just not enough money to go around to pay for a dog that I never see. I haven't seen my former television, dining room table, and den couches in several months either, and I'm not paying to support them. However, this experience has opened my eyes to a potential new business.
Maybe dogs should have lawyers. And I'd like to become the first one. I can go to Canine Law School. There, you would learn about all breeds and their life expectancies, so you can get fair settlements. I would study proper standards of living in each state, and make sure that these dogs had enough for school in the event that they ever wanted to train for the Big Apple Circus.
I could even envision the television commercials where dogs would be placed in testimonials with voiceovers explaining how they would have been destitute and on the street had it not been for me. And it would be explained how they were able to maintain their upscale lifestyles of sleeping, eating table scraps, and leaving a log on other people's lawns.
This new job should help supplement my income so I can pay support for my kids - - the ones who really need it.
The last time I saw my dog, perhaps for the last time, I was bringing her home after a few days of her staying with me against complex rules. I put her in my car and next to the kids in the back. As we drove, she looked around to get her bearings, and she seemed to recognize that she was headed back home.
There seemed to be a sadness in her eyes. Almost a depressed look as if to say, well my friend, it looks like this is it. We had a nice run. I bet the concept of visitation rights, a dog, and how she could get screwed in the deal never even dawned on her.
That makes two of us.
The only problem is that these days I see others more than mine. Since my family and I are now living separately, the dog became one of the many casualties. The fact that my building doesn't allow dogs only complicates the matter.
So, my visits with "Mocha", the Yorkshire Terrier/poodle, are limited to a quick hello at the door when I'm picking up my kids for a weekend visit. Even then, my ex-wife has become very territorial. When I ask if the dog can come out for a quick hello, she says that the dog is exhausted and sleeping when, in fact, I not only can hear Mocha barking, she's also visibly scratching at the window at the side of the front door. So much for that alibi.
In divorce, there's a lot that you can split evenly. A dog isn't one of them. Because unless you're David Copperfield, this dog is destined to stay in one piece. And despite the fact that our Mocha will clearly be living with the kids, I've actually been asked to financially support her.
Yes, that's correct. Dog alimony.
I asked my attorney, called a few friends who are attorneys, and caved into researching on the web, and I couldn't find one law that provides for what amounts to "doggy support." Now, I've always considered pets to be an integral part of every family. And we all form strong attachments that are akin to our brothers and sisters. But at the end of the day, this is an animal.
First, I thought that maybe Mocha hired her own attorney. After all, Jim Carrey was a Pet Detective. Maybe there were Pet Lawyers as well. I didn't find any listed.
Nonetheless, I wondered what my dog would be asking for next. Did I have to also provide winter sweaters and new feeding bowls every year? Was she entitled to an annual vacation? Weird things begin to circle through your head. It was a good thing we had her spayed, otherwise, I may be asked to pay for child support. God, and what about college? And braces?
The logic behind why I should pay for pet expenses was also an exercise in either insanity or an intelligence that has yet to be discovered. The argument went something like this:
"Well, we really didn't want a dog....you did"
"You named her, you should pay for her."
"You walked her most often."
Holy crap. This faulty deductive reasoning rivals the purported need for 3-D television and Nicki Minaj.
Needless to say, there's just not enough money to go around to pay for a dog that I never see. I haven't seen my former television, dining room table, and den couches in several months either, and I'm not paying to support them. However, this experience has opened my eyes to a potential new business.
Maybe dogs should have lawyers. And I'd like to become the first one. I can go to Canine Law School. There, you would learn about all breeds and their life expectancies, so you can get fair settlements. I would study proper standards of living in each state, and make sure that these dogs had enough for school in the event that they ever wanted to train for the Big Apple Circus.
I could even envision the television commercials where dogs would be placed in testimonials with voiceovers explaining how they would have been destitute and on the street had it not been for me. And it would be explained how they were able to maintain their upscale lifestyles of sleeping, eating table scraps, and leaving a log on other people's lawns.
This new job should help supplement my income so I can pay support for my kids - - the ones who really need it.
The last time I saw my dog, perhaps for the last time, I was bringing her home after a few days of her staying with me against complex rules. I put her in my car and next to the kids in the back. As we drove, she looked around to get her bearings, and she seemed to recognize that she was headed back home.
There seemed to be a sadness in her eyes. Almost a depressed look as if to say, well my friend, it looks like this is it. We had a nice run. I bet the concept of visitation rights, a dog, and how she could get screwed in the deal never even dawned on her.
That makes two of us.
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