It's My Party, and I'll Cry if I Want To

Election Day is almost here, and thank the Lord. Although I can't blatantly shun the advertising revenue that comes with it, I think we've all had enough of empty promises and false accusations.

Whether your preference is Democrat, Repulican, or perhaps Tea, one thing is certain. Don't expect seismic change after all the votes have been tallied. But it doesn't mean it can't be entertaining. After all, how often do we get the ex-CEO of Ebay and the wife of the CEO of the World Wrestling Federation running for office at exactly the same time?

However, just once, it would be nice to watch a commercial that actually communicated something with a value proposition. In every ad, one candidate promises lower property taxes, honing in on an area where the incumbent has failed. Someone else touts their ability to create jobs even in a quicksand economy. And then there's my personal favorite which revolves around some form of mudslinging dealing with illegal activity from misappropriated funds that were used for leisurely airline travel related to "state business."

Somehow, I feel like I've seen this movie before. And I didn't like it the first time around. I also know that when I get inside the voting booth, before I press the electronic button, I'll inevitably get that sinking feeling in my stomach. The kind you get when you first realize that you've lost your wallet. It creeps up on you as you cast your ballot and come to the conclusion that your vote has no chance of affecting change.

Change is not inevitable because the distribution system of candidates derives from the bottom of the gene pool and from the immoral depths of humanity. The real talent is smart enough to realize politics is a losing proposition. If we want real change in this country, there are a few simple steps that need to be taken.

First, let's stop calling these political groups, "parties." Very few politicians have ever created a party-like atmosphere, with the obvious exception of Bill Clinton. But the rest of these public servants have taken on the serious role of fighting for the people. We're not here to party, we'd just like to be able to pay our mortgage each month.

Next, if your total net worth is above 1.5 million dollars, you're automatically disqualified to run for office. What do these people really know about what it's like to struggle to cover your expenses, save for college, fight your health insurer, and put away enough for retirement? How could they represent the masses if their personal wealth is in the top 1% of the population? We need real people in these positons. Teachers, policemen, firemen, and nurses. These critical role players already know how to educate, protect, and heal. As far as I'm concerned, it's as simple as that. Most people in these fields are eligible for an early pension, so they would have plenty of time on their hands to campaign without taking an extended break from their responsibilities.

When they mention people like "Joe the Plumber", they'll actually know Joe, the plumber. In fact, he's probably their plumber. When they speak of people's frustrations with government, they'll communicate from real life experiences. This group wouldn't be identified as a "Party." We'd just call them, "Town Hall." But I know what you're thinking. Where would they come up with the money to fund a campaign? Simple.

It would emanate from the same weatlhy elite that donates to our current roster of underachieving politicians. Self interested corporations, Hollywood celebrities and the like would still donate to the same degree, under the same restrictions; only now they're assured to be supporting a candidate that would actually put the collective interest of the people first.

What would happen to the Democrats, the Republicans, the Tea Parties? They'd lose their labels, and their charlatan identities. Then we'd have a society that we could all be proud of on Election Day.

Have fun in the voting booth.

Shalloween

Another Halloween is fast approaching, and I look forward to a year like this one. For the second time in as many years, it takes place on a weekend where I can trick or treat with the kids and survey all the great costumes in the neighborhood.

What I love the most is the joy I see on the kids' faces as they traverse from house to house in search of some unique piece of candy that the world has never seen before. More than any other holiday, religious or otherwise, Halloween is truly about the children.

This is precisely why I have an issue when the adults take it too seriously. I'm not talking about getting dressed up for a Halloween party, or those Munsters and Addams Family nutjobs that turn their houses into a Wes Craven movie set. I'm referring to those adults that spend hours at the costume shop in hot pursuit of the perfect outfit.

The ideal costume is different depending on which sociological and psychological category you fall into.

SEXY SINGLES

If a woman wants to dress up, she has no choice but to wear something out of an Elliot Spitzer sex fantasy. It's not just the nurses I'm talking about. There's the sexy cop, the hot clown, the smoking cowgirl. Even the Toy Story costumes are off the charts. Fortunately, for the Halloween industry, the single woman has no problem playing a stripper in disguise. In fact, they hope that just the right costume at the
right party will lead to getting lucky or at the very least lead to the distribution of a few phone numbers to an Indiana Jones, a character from Twilight, or a gangster.


And that's only if the men wear more traditional costumes. Just this weekend, I saw a host of equally explicit male choices in the cop and doctor categories. Let's see, in law enforcement there was a choice from "The Department of Erections". On the medical side, there were two gynecologists - - "Dr. Seymour Bush" and "Dr. Howie Feltersnatch." Classy stuff. I stood and waited for a few minutes to see the kind of person that would wear these outfits, but I suspect that they only come out after midnight, and break into the store.

MIRROR IMAGE

There's a second group of Halloweeners that feel compelled to project their true selves in the form of a costume. For some reason, they surmise that you don't really know them and this is a golden opportunity to reveal their "true selves" Typically, these are not of the flattering variety, like a man who always wanted to be an astronaut but didn't tell anyone, or a woman who once gave up her dream to become a nun. No, these usually involve the Grim Reaper, a circus ringleader with a menacing whip, or some form of Jason or Freddy Krueger. Are these normal people dressed as killers, or are they really killers dressed as killers? And I don't need to go into any great detail about the witches.

TRANSFORMERS

This last category is the most tolerable of the three. These are people that may or may not be OK with who they are, but just want to take a day off and be someone else. Some people gravitate towards celebrities they idolize or demonize, or they possibly select something reflective of their childhood innocence like a fairy or a Disney princess. Men could be pilots or cowboys and both are pretty acceptable to me. After all, without a good variety of internships in this country, it's possible that many of these guys could have changed their vocation if they were only exposed to the field at an early age. So I say let the surgeons, policemen, and ballet dancers have their fun. It just may lead to second careers.

No matter which category you fall into, just make sure you leave some candy for the kids.

Bored Games

Thinking back to my own childhood, I remember how the names Parker Brothers and Milton Bradley were responsible for bringing the family together. I used to look forward to SORRY, Connect 4, Yahtzee, or Uno. I'd make fun of my brother when I'd send his blue piece back to START with a well timed SORRY card, trick my Mom with a diagonal play in the middle of Connect 4, and enjoyed the thrill of pulling victory from my Father with a Draw 4 card in Uno. They were simple games for all ages and an excuse for the family to spend quality time before the era of DVRs and iPods.

So when I became a Father, I was excited to pass these board games onto my kids. I went to Target and Toys R Us and even bought the updated versions so there wouldn't be any missing pieces like I had with my own. And for a few years, I was able to continue the tradition that was passed on to me by my parents.

My kids used to look forward to weekends when I had time to play these games. But recently there's been a dramatic change. I was home last weekend and needed to watch my 9 year-old for about an hour. My wife set up a stack of games on the kitchen table and suggested we play a few while she ran an errand. Without hesitation, my daughter said, "I don't want to play any of these! They're boring!"

Boring?! I've been playing some version of these games for over 35 years, and my daughter is bored at 9?

I'm 42, and I still look forward to kicking butt in Monopoly. I will concede that the electronic versions of some of these games are far superior to tokens and cardboard, but that's what gave them their special charm. But in the age of Blackberry's, iPads, and Garmins, I didn't want so sound like an old bastard. So I let it go.

I managed to get over it until I saw my kids watching a new channel from Discovery Kids called, The HUB. It's not that they were watching their usual fare of cartoons and kids reality shows. This was something new. A game show. And not just any game show. It was actually called "Family Game Night." Hosted by a former reporter from E!, the show revolved around competing families who were engaged in life size versions of the classic board games. The channel is even partly owned by Hasbro!

To make matters worse, they used all the classics - - Scrabble, Operation, Yahtzee, Sorry, Connect 4, Boggle, and even Twister. Both kids couldn't keep their eyes off the screen. What kind of crap is this? They don't want to play these games with me, but they're willing to watch other people play them on TV? Maybe it was the cash prizes they dole out. Would I have to start paying them to roll the Yahtzee die?

I sat there wondering what would be next. Would they stop reading books with me and soon watch the Kindle Channel? Would they throw out their dolls and play with virtual ones on the computer?

Look,I'm all for game shows, but predominantly when they're educational, and my kids can actually learn something. When networks like The HUB begin to take away the simplicity of childhood, I have to draw the line. Although, it is a losing cause. I sat for awhile and decided to strike back. It came in the version of an idea for a network pitch.

It's called The Daddy Channel. Programs include "Taking Your Kids for Ice Cream", "Driving to Soccer Practice", and "Giving Out an Allowance." They could watch other kids living their lives and spending time with their Fathers, while I sit in the other room and watch sports on TV.

I think this could be a ratings hit. Now if I could only get Nickelodeon to listen.

Know Your Audience

When you blog on Google, they offer a feature where you can track pageviews for each of your individual entries. Now, I don't know how accurate these "stats" are, but who am I to argue with Google? I'd rather pick a battle with Facebook, especially since "The Social Network" was released into theaters, making them look like selfish bastards.

After studying the most pertinent data, I came to several very important conclusions. First, my viewing audience is only slightly larger than a jury at the high end, as big as the band members of Green Day on the low end. So, I don't think I'll be selling advertising any time in the future, unless the client was looking for a very small, targeted, private audience who all live in the same neighborhood. The second point of interest was seeing which of the blogs was most popular with my loyal audience.

The three most popular topics were (are you sitting down?), Pets, Celebrities, and Garage Sales. On the surface, this shouldn't be that surprising. After all, who doesn't love their dog, celebrity sightings or the sheer excitement of negotiating the price of items that by all rights should be taking center stage at the garbage dump? I have to admit. It was a little disappointing. I thought some of the other blogs would have peaked a little more interest. I've written about politics, children, health related issues, and even movies, but somehow they haven't seemed to strike the right chord.

I asked a few friends who also blog on a regular basis, and they told me that the problem is that I don't focus on a single topic. In essence, I'm a jack of all trades, but a master of nothing. And that does have a certain element of truth. But I never wanted to be a one trick pony and put myself to sleep by writing about the same thing every week. However, it seems in the world of blogging, diversification isn't the most prudent advice.

I also noticed that I have a following in Denmark, Canada, and China. I've always wanted to go international, but I wish I knew what the attraction was. Could it be that the Danish of Copenhagen like to read about dogs? Perhaps the Canadians like to break from hockey and read about celebrities or maybe the Chinese are fascinated by the archaic concept of selling old merchandise from our garages. Whatever the reason, it's nice to know that blogging has no borders.

So, it looks like I have a decision to make. If I want more readers, I'll have to stick to a single subject. I'll also have to focus on the lowest common denominator which will preclude me from discussing anything that I'm passionate about. I need to leave politics to the cable news pundits, allow Rotten Tomatoes to monopolize reviews and comments about film, and give Disney and Nickelodeon exclusivity on telling children's stories. Conversely, I could roll the dice and continue writing about what interests me, even at the expense of readership.

After giving this some thought, I chose the latter. If you can't write about what really interests you, then what's the point of writing at all? I know this may disappoint Denmark and Canada, but I think they'll get over it. So expect more commentary on traditional subjects, but from a slightly different angle. And your vantage point will always be from the front of the line, rather than in back.

I'm curious to see how many views this post receives, although my expectations are low.

After all, who really wants to read a blog about blogs?

The Dark Side of Comedy

There has always been a fine line between comedy and tragedy and that line was agressively crossed recently with the death of comic, Greg Giraldo. Giraldo, most recognized as a visceral comedian from multiple celebrity roasts, fell into a coma after accidentally overdosing on pharmaceutical medication.

This isn't the first case of celebrity abuse of prescription drugs. Heath Ledger suffered a similar fate as he was fighting depression from everyday life or as a result of detoxing evil from his body after his role as the Joker.

The most disturbing part of Giraldo's passing was that he represented an additional entry into the book of comedians that died prematurely. Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, and George Carlin immediately come to mind. All these men, and it's almost always men, suffered from a similar poison of some inner demons whose antidote was always comedy.

But somewhere in between their movies, shows, specials, and sitcoms, these comics found plenty of time for alcohol, cocaine, pain killers, anti-depressants, and in the case of Sam Kinison, fast cars. The same people who were harbingers of the comedic art form, the ones who split our sides and hurt our stomachs from their humor, were humorless actually inside.

Could it be that comedy attracts the depressed and the self-destructive? The season finale of "Louie", starring comedian, Louis C.K. actually explores the very subject. He plays a comic, divorced with two kids. He hires a babysitter, and goes out by himself. He wanders off to a few bars, strikes out with the ladies, and eventually finds himself in front of his mainstay comedy club. He asks if he could jump on stage for a five minute set, where he goes on to speak about divorce and how it's akin to being let out of prison after many years and having to assimilate back into society. Once again, pain meets comedy.

It's been well documented that a good portion of the psychiatric profession is filled with people who still can't solve their own problems, and through analyzing others, they go through a period of self exploration. Maybe being a comedian provides a similar catharsis for the troubled and self-deprecating.

Of course, this doesn't apply to all comedians. In fact, for Jewish comics, the profession serves as a mystical fountain of youth. Joan Rivers, Don Rickles, Robert Klein, and Jackie Mason are all going strong and performing regularly. Rivers and Rickles were the focus of successful documentaries, Klein just completed another HBO special and Jackie Mason is making yet another comeback. In the Jewish culture, laughter has always been a function of coping. Tell a joke, and you'll feel better.

Similarly, not every Irish and Italian stand-up is on the brink of suicide either. But it is an alarming trend that has had a long history. The court jester, the clown, is great fun for a short time. However, when the costume and make-up come off, we see faces that are unrecognizable; decidedly different personas.
And in some respects we don't laugh with them or at them.

Comedy and tragedy will continue to intersect. So the next time you're at a comedy club, watching a series of young comedians, lend your support. Because to most of them, life isn't purely a laughing matter.

Garage Sale

I hate garage sales. To me, they're all just a slight upgrade from the junkyard in the front of Fred Sanford's house. In fact, every time I see a garage sale I hear the Sanford and Son theme song playing in my head and I look for Lamont's truck. Needless to say, I wasn't thrilled this morning when I found out that multiple houses on my block would be hosting several of their own.

Didn't EBAY render garage sales extinct? Instead of the junk sitting on your front lawn, you simply put pictures on the computer and let the games begin. You don't have to worry about negotiating, and unlike the haggling that's built into the bazaar like atmosphere of a garage sale, the final price usually settles higher, and not lower than the original price. I guess not everyone is computer savvy and there is something nice about not worrying about delivery, as these crazed bargain hunters will haul your trash away for you.

I purposely slept late hoping to snooze through the junk tsumani block party. And just when I thought I was out of the woods, my kids arrive home from dance class, see the neighbors' sales, and their brains begin moving at the speed of light. It's that instant epiphany where the mind races and kids see dollar signs under their eyelids. So now that they agreed upon a sale of their own, it was time to take inventory.

I didn't want any part of this. A garage sale? Coming from my garage? Now I'd have to contend with all those professional garage sales people. You know who I mean. Those people that drive around with special Garmins that are programmed to find every garage sale within a 50 mile radius looking for that one lamp that matches the paisley couch they bought in 1965. Or that Mom with young kids that negotiates every toy down to a nickel even if when you originally bought them, you paid more than a nickel just for the tax. Did I really need this on a Saturday. Or did I?

My basement is filled with Fisher Price toys, baby dolls, plastic food, Dora action figures, and a series of other items that were taken out of the playing rotation years ago. And my attic was filled with old DVDs that we've held onto despite the fact that we don't have an active DVD player in the entire house. Maybe this wasn't a bad idea after all. Maybe I would even help. I immediately snapped into salesman mode and began pitching the kids of what to throw in the junk pile based on how much they could make. I won a few and lost a few. How was I supposed to know that their first drum and tambourine actually had sentimental value? But none of that mattered. The end game is what counted and I was about to unload some very garage sale worthy items.

The kids worked like pros, using all the classic sales tactics like buy one, get one free and bulk discounts. Some of the day's highlights included selling a DVD box set of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" to a man who had never even heard of the show and the sale of two Cinderella chairs to a woman in a minivan while the car was still moving.

They generated $100 net for the day minus a 10% commission to our young next door neighbor who didn't have any "junk" of her own to sell, but was willing to help with the labor intensive set up. Our shoppers were all very cordial and we even met one nice family where we exchanged phone numbers for a future get together.

I asked my young entrepreneurs what they planned to do with the money, and they quickly responded that they would both like a new bean bag chair for their rooms. It seemed like a perfect choice as a reward for a hard day's work. I just had one thought on my mind.

How long would it be before they're hawking two bean bag chairs in an upcoming garage sale?