The Nursing Home Tour

I didn't have the opportunity to see the recent tour with James Taylor and Carole King. However, I heard that Sweet Baby James may have less hair than he did in 1975 and the Tapestry Queen may look a little more gray around the noggin, but their voices were as strong and as clear as ever. More importantly, the songs didn't age. The work of two sixty-somethings held up admirably for over 30 years, and sounded much like they did on the 8-track tapes you originally heard them on.

So then I started thinking about today's young "artists" and projected them some 40 years out and doing their own reunion tours. What the hell will Lady Gaga look like then? Will she still wear her underwear in public with the flab of her belly hanging out like jello? Yikes. When she sings, "oo-la, oo-ga-ga", it may look and sound like early onset Alzheimers. The Black-Eyed Peas will be another doozy. I have a feeling that Will I. Am will most likely be referred to as Bill. And can you still call yourself, "Fergie" if you're a senior citizen and not royalty? When they croon "tonight's gonna be a good night", it will probably be foreboding that they both may get through the night without wetting the bed.

If Eminem lets himself go to the tune of 200 pounds with a pot belly and a hoodie to cover the flab, will he still refer to himself as "Slim Shady?" I doubt it. And when Kanye West sings "Paranoid" at 71, he'll most likely sound like a guy who needs immediate testing for dementia. Nobody wants to see that. And nobody will want to hear old men rapping or singing through a voice distortion box either. Their music is frozen in time with the same likelihood of thawing out as Walt Disney.

I would be remiss not to mention the long term potential of the Disney Channel clan. As much as they would like to have the longevity of a cartoon, these people will age just like the rest of us. You think Miley Cyrus can still sing "Best of Both Worlds" into her 60's? It's just a hunch, but I think Hannah Montana's double life secret will probably be out of the bag by then. And the Jonas Brothers may still sing about the "Year 3000," but I doubt they'll live to see it, albeit they'll be closer than they ever were.

Disney music, much like the rest of the top 40, isn't built for the long run. They just wait for someone to age, and then clone another teenager to replace them and take a premium position. The singer-songwriters from the 70's were built from a different stock. James Taylor, Carole King, Billy Joel, Elton John, and Stevie Wonder, all continue to sell out shows and play music that doesn't even seem like there's a hair out of place. It's a true testament of how music has evolved from high quality writing for the long term to a culture of custom made American Idols and single hits for iTunes.

So the next time an artist from the 1970's moves through your neighborhood, bite the bullet and pay the exhorbitant ticket price. They're a dying breed that won't be seen again.

Toy Story Equals Toy Storage

I'm convinced that my kids were the last to see "Toy Story" and "Toy Story 2." My two holdouts finally joined the rest of the country and watched both films on the Disney Channel double feature last weekend.

So I asked them what they thought, assuming that they'd talk about how great the animation was, or that they had a crush on Woody and Buzz Lightyear. Instead, I got something unexpected.

They both said that they felt bad for the toys, and have made a collective decision to never throw any of them away.

Great. Just what I need. I've been trying to take back closet and basement space for the last few years to no avail, and now I have to contend with Pixar? You can't beat Pixar. They're even stronger than Disney. Their stories always have powerful morals that affect both kids and adults alike. "Ratatouille" showed that even the harshest critics can be tamed by vivid childhood memories. 'Wall-E' demonstrated the importance of maintaining a clean environment and a healthy, active lifestyle. Most recently, "Up" showed us all that true love lasts forever and conquers all obstacles. So what kind of match am I going to be for "Toy Story 3?"

A committment to never throw away any toys. What are they nuts? Do I really need to keep the Piglet and Winnie the Pooh stuffed animals now that they idolize Hannah Montana and iCarly? And what about that oversized Bam-Bam looking baseball bat they used to hit their first wiffle ball? And that slinky? It always worked better on the steps in the commercial than it ever did on mine. I'll have to get a bigger house with more storage space and higher real estate taxes just so their High School Musical dolls will have a permanent place to rehearse.

I don't know how Pixar does it. To make us become emotionally attached to characters like robots, rats, a crotchety old man, and a Mr. Potato Head is quite an achievement. And it's expensive to the consumer.

In advance of my daughter's birthday, I bought her the complete set of action figures from "Toy Story 3." When I swiped my credit card, I thought of the joy this will give her in advance of the new film's release. Then I froze and came to a frightening realization.

Now I'll be holding onto these new toys forever. My problem is multiplying and it's purely self-inflicted. I'm hoping that one day Pixar makes a film about a Garbage Man with a clear message that it's good to throw things away in large plastic Hefty bags or recyclable cans.

Maybe I should start writing the script.

When Fish are Held Hostage

When it comes to politics, I am most certainly an agnostic.

I'm not left or right of center, and sometimes, I'm not even in the center at all. With that said, I have no faith in our elected officials. But it doesn't mean I don't root for them. Not necessarily with bumper stickers and a tailgate party, however I would like to see the home team win once in awhile. And I don't mean a healthcare bill or a conversion to a flat tax. I'm talking about a crisis. We don't seem to win many of those. Some of these destructive events are self inflicted, others materialize through bad advice, and more often than not a crisis is inherited.

Our last one-term Democratic President had several he could call his own. First, their was a severe oil crisis, with significant shortages for us to fill our Oldsmobiles. In an effort to properly ration, we had to refuel based on the odd or even numbers on our license plates. If that wasn't enough for our humanitarian peanut farmer, he also had to deal with an Iranian Ayatollah with a penchant for taking hostages. The American Embassy in Iran was captured, and thus one of the lowest points in American morale was born. The longer these Americans remained under siege without a formidable plan for an end date, the President and his reputation were also held hostage. And it went on for a total of 444 days.

So now, another President is traveling quickly down the One Term Highway. He, like his predecessor, has a crisis he can call all his own. Although this is a domestic issue, it is ironic that it once again involves oil. BP's runaway spill in the Gulf of Mexico has fully blossomed into another elongated political morass without a plan or near term solution.

Our hostages have been replaced by fish that have either been rendered deceased or on the brink. Marine life cycles in the region have been disrupted, jobs have been lost, and we have another President long on rhetoric about penalties and punishment, but short on a cogent stop gap measure. I think we've seen this movie before, and we all know the ending. Approval ratings plummet and national morale sinks into the cesspool.

But I'm still rooting for a win. I hope that someone, somewhere can help put an end to the flow of poison that continues to kill life and jobs on a daily basis in the Gulf.

If the fish could talk, they'd be rooting too.