What Fathers Really Want

Another Father's Day is here, and if you're a member of the tribe, you already know what to expect.

There's bound to be a brunch, a Polo shirt, a few pair of socks, and maybe even a cake. I never understood the significance of the cake, but some people just like any excuse to eat cake.

Fathers who possess a little more than the average dose of freedom may even get to do something they love. Play golf. This is a favorite pastime of many Dads over the course of several decades. Their wives give them the opportunity to spend more than half the day away from the family, and the men spend five hours complaining about their wives. For some, this is an ideal Father's Day. Not for me.

There's another pervasive thought on what a man wants on Father's Day. Instead of giving him several hours with his friends, you just leave him alone. You let him sit in a hammock, smoke a cigar, and read the paper. This is where a man can gather his thoughts and ponder life. Well, studies show that this option is also fraught with danger. You give many men too much time to think, and all hell can break loose. They'll wind up in a real life version of those Direct TV commercials.

So, if you haven't figured it out by now, Father's Day isn't at all like Mother's Day. Most Dads are just thankful to Hallmark that there's even one date on the calendar dedicated to them. But just because they get a listing doesn't mean that their Sunday in June is equal to Mother's Day. Mother's Day is like a parade where Father's Day is more like a ribbon cutting. And not a ribbon cutting for anything significant. It's like a grand opening for a dry cleaner.

Men also don't really like presents. Especially if their wives are stay-at-home Moms. Because if they get a really expensive present, it's like they bought it for themselves. Just think about it. If it wasn't an occasion, and you bought yourself the very expensive gift that your wife just gave you, somehow you'd take crap for it for the next 20 years.

But here's s little secret. Men know exactly what they want for Father's Day. They just never ask for it.

Time.

If you're celebrating Father's Day at all, you're probably not in your 20's anymore. So, you still could be young, but you're not a college freshman either. Father's Day is also synonymous with kids. Kids that you're supporting with far too many hours on the job. On the weekends, many of us taxi these same kids around to a myriad of sports and performance arts activities and sometimes sit for hours watching games and recitals. We don't stop for a second.

And the same time drain affects the marriage as well. Some don't have regular babysitters, and haven't had scheduled dates with their wives since before they were engaged. Trust me, this is never a positive.

So this Father's Day, here's a suggestion:

Do nothing.

Don't run onto the golf course, race to make brunch reservations, or rush out to the mall to buy a last minute tie.

Play with kids in the backyard. Talk to your wife. Plan a vacation. Consider switching careers. You'll be amazed at the results.

It just may be your best Father's Day yet.

The Human Vending Machine

I've heard many metaphors to describe online dating, and frankly, most of them aren't too flattering.   Some people have described it as a bad cold, and they refer to the significantly bad kind that involves a never ending runny nose, watery eyes, and plenty of Tylenol.   Others have said that it's like being a contestant on a reality show, but the one in the first few weeks where you're either voted off the island, told you were fired, or just not good enough to move on to Vegas.

A few weeks ago, a woman added an online dating description to my list that I had never come across before, and probably won't again.   She said that it made her feel like she was in a vending machine.

A vending machine?

A little abstract, I know, but what the hell.   I went with it.

She said that everyone has an idea of what they're looking for when they're on these dating sites.   They have preferences for age, weight, hair color, previous relationship status and more.  Therefore, tastes are pre-established.  And, just like an appetite for food, preferences can change periodically depending on your particular mood, or by what you may have eaten recently.

So, she felt like any date she had was merely someone finding her on a whim just because someone felt like pulling her lever that day.   I still had to wrap my head around this concept, but I did my best picturing her sliding down to the bottom of the machine, with her date on the other side attempting to get her out of the bottom basin without getting her permanently lodged.  And such would be the trials and tribulations of the human vending machine.   I took it a step further and wondered if she would provide change on the way down the chute.

It also got me thinking of some of my recent dates, and how I came to make my selections.   Better still, did I really get what I paid for?

Some of them fooled me.   They looked great in the packaging but didn't quite seem the same afterwards. I think I may have even gotten a little nauseous.  Others were very sweet, and maybe even too sweet when I realized that I wanted something a little saltier.

I did have a few that contained a much higher fat content that originally advertised, and let's face it.  That can just kill your appetite.  And there were others that I thought were chocolate covered, contained caramel nugget, or sprinkled topping, that turned out to be very plain instead.

The worst, of course, was willfully selecting the regular variety, only to find out that they were nuts.  And I mean really nutty.   The kind of nuts that you just can't scrape off no matter what you do.   The type of nuts that can ruin the whole snack.

Similar to an actual vending machine, if you don't like what came down, you can't give it back.  You're stuck with it.   But fortunately, only for a little while.  After all, it's just a snack.   Not a whole meal.   And maybe that's what this woman was really trying to get across.

Online dating is just like snacking.   It tides you over.  It gets you through the day.   This way of meeting people is not meant to bet your steady diet at all.   That needs to come from somewhere else.   A grocery store or restaurant with better food and healthier selections.   Some place where you do the cooking yourself or a professional does it for you.

So, we'll leave the human vending machine to the nibblers.  They'll always be a market for those.   But for the people who want the full five courses?

They'll have to go somewhere else.