The GPS device was built for men. We never liked to ask for directions anyway, so why not have a computer with full satellite reception lead us around? And it certainly beats looking for the North Star.
Personally, I've always been partial to Garmin over Tom Tom. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because the natural default voice is female, and I simply never trusted guys named Tom, or people whose first and last names were identical.
But more than anything else, I love the intuitive nature of the device. The Garmin knows where you are at all times. If you program it to bring you from point A to point B, it always constructs the shortest route. And perhaps it's greatest asset is its ability to quickly surmise that you've strayed off course and quickly "recalculates" to get you back on the straight and narrow. It truly is one of the few products I've purchased (more than once) that actually performs as promised.
Now it's time for Garmin to take the next step and move beyond driving directions. We need a GPS device that goes a significant step further. One that guides us through life. It would even be called the Garmin Life. Instead of plugging in street names, or doing searches for the nearest movie theater or gas station, this Garmin would be filled with advice on critical life choices.
So first, you plug in, "Career." A series of alphabetical choices would pull up in a drop down menu- Accountant, Babysitter, Consultant, Doctor.....and all the way down the line until we get to Zoologist. You graduate from college, put on the Garmin Life and pick a career. The Garmin then operates much the same as it does now. It gives you direction, estimates how fast your're traveling down your career "path", and approximates your time of arrival. The user is advised to follow the Garmin as instucted. But if you select the wrong medical scholol, or the wrong company to launch your career, the Garmin reverts back to the all too familiar, "recalculating." and gets you back on course.
There would also be a section for "Real Estate." How many times have we exhaustively searched for that house or condo, onlyto find that we were outbid or were dealing with an unscrupulous broker. Well, not to fear any more. The Garmin Life will follow the trends and search the neighborhoods by satellite, until finally finding you the perfect place to live. It may not even be in the town you thought you would settle in, but it will be close. And the Garmin Life will save you from a real estate buyer's greatest fear - - buying the Money Pit.
The most complex function of the Garmin Life, will be in the "Relationship" section. Similar to some of the more popular or unpopular dating sites, you would have choices for gender, hair color, personality, height, weight, profession, etc. Single people would simply get in their cars and the GPS would take them directly to where their matches are. It could guide you to bars, restaurants, offices, or even to someone's house. Think of the time it would save! If the other party also used a Gamin Lite which ironically lead them to you, then you've got yourself a winner my friends.
The new Garmin Life would also be your guide when deciding on a doctor for all forms of medicine. The "Medical" section would help with finding a good local pediatrician, a dentist, urologist, cardiologist, and surgeon. Thanks to Garmin's online updates, we'll have lifetime intel on malpractice suits, retirements, performance in medical school and more. Even if we get a top referral from a friend who proudly claims that "my guy is the best," the Garmin will recalculate if it knows something that your friend doesn't.
I don't want you to think that I'm not sympathetic to how this device would affect other businesses. It would really kill the fortune teller conglomerates. There would be thousands of palms that would go unread and lifelines gone unidentified. The crystal ball business would crumble and ouija boards would suddenly be all over Ebay.
But like the 8-track tape, the typewriter, and the VCR, there will always be some casualties in the face of growing technology.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
The Anti-Social Network
So, if thirty years ago, I told you that people would begin to communicate primarily through their computers, you'd say that I either took Matthew Broderick's "War Games" or George Orwell's "1984" a little too seriously.
If twenty years ago, I said that the second most popular form of communication would occur by telephone, you'd probably sigh with boredom until I told you that it would happen on a phone that wasn't plugged into your wall.
Then, I'd hit you with a real zinger by saying that this wireless phone would actually be used less for the spoken word and more for the written one. This is precisely when you'd promptly suggest that I attend a Trekie convention or Comic-Con.
After decades of these fearless predictions, and sometime in 2011, we'd look back and realize that incredibly, smartphones and other mobile devices have ostensibly become the basic foundation for how we now communicate. And it's not just the devices that matter, it's the distribution systems that are the lifeblood of our modern day communication.
Let's see. We have Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo Mail, Facebook, Twitter, You Tube and LinkedIn, too name a few. Now, I can show you my vacation through hundreds of pictures and video and never have to tell you about it. I can pass along current information about my life and never have to open my mouth. I can even give you my current location in real time, and let you know how I feel about it, all without ever having to show my face.
The label for this method of communication? Social Media. Social?
When I was a kid, at some point in my parent/teacher conferences, a discussion was had about how I "socialized" with other children. Of course, that always meant face-to-face contact. Currently, being labeled social means that you returned an email within the hour. But never having to see anyone.
Man do we have this backwards. Not everyone's excited about broadcasting every aspect of their experiences. What about about the shy, private, reclusive types that don't feel like sharing their entire lives digitally. They shouldn't be excluded and need a place of their own where they can congregate.
An Anti-Social Network.
These people will have their own website where they can let everyone know where they haven't been. "This month I didn't go to Orlando, Europe, or even into town. In fact, I never left my house." They'd tell you about the dates they never went on, the movies they haven't seen, and all the restaurants they've never been to. Most of these people will probably have cats.
Another great function would be a button where you could periodically de-friend people. As a matter of fact, that would be a major component of this website. Everyone starts with 100 friends and then you'd see how long it takes to get rid of them all. Eventually, they'd turn it into a reality show. Donald Trump would host.
Once per year, all the members of the anti-social network would have a mandatory get-together, face-to-face, and do.......nothing. The website would be the antithesis of Facebook and just be called, "Empty Pages." The web traffic will explode, ad thousands of people would log on, so they never have to log in anywhere else. There wouldn't be a button for "like", just "dislike". The "What's on Your Mind" box would still be present, but it would link directly to a psychiatrist.
I don't know how Marc Zuckerberg missed the boat on this one. I look forward to the IPO.
If twenty years ago, I said that the second most popular form of communication would occur by telephone, you'd probably sigh with boredom until I told you that it would happen on a phone that wasn't plugged into your wall.
Then, I'd hit you with a real zinger by saying that this wireless phone would actually be used less for the spoken word and more for the written one. This is precisely when you'd promptly suggest that I attend a Trekie convention or Comic-Con.
After decades of these fearless predictions, and sometime in 2011, we'd look back and realize that incredibly, smartphones and other mobile devices have ostensibly become the basic foundation for how we now communicate. And it's not just the devices that matter, it's the distribution systems that are the lifeblood of our modern day communication.
Let's see. We have Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo Mail, Facebook, Twitter, You Tube and LinkedIn, too name a few. Now, I can show you my vacation through hundreds of pictures and video and never have to tell you about it. I can pass along current information about my life and never have to open my mouth. I can even give you my current location in real time, and let you know how I feel about it, all without ever having to show my face.
The label for this method of communication? Social Media. Social?
When I was a kid, at some point in my parent/teacher conferences, a discussion was had about how I "socialized" with other children. Of course, that always meant face-to-face contact. Currently, being labeled social means that you returned an email within the hour. But never having to see anyone.
Man do we have this backwards. Not everyone's excited about broadcasting every aspect of their experiences. What about about the shy, private, reclusive types that don't feel like sharing their entire lives digitally. They shouldn't be excluded and need a place of their own where they can congregate.
An Anti-Social Network.
These people will have their own website where they can let everyone know where they haven't been. "This month I didn't go to Orlando, Europe, or even into town. In fact, I never left my house." They'd tell you about the dates they never went on, the movies they haven't seen, and all the restaurants they've never been to. Most of these people will probably have cats.
Another great function would be a button where you could periodically de-friend people. As a matter of fact, that would be a major component of this website. Everyone starts with 100 friends and then you'd see how long it takes to get rid of them all. Eventually, they'd turn it into a reality show. Donald Trump would host.
Once per year, all the members of the anti-social network would have a mandatory get-together, face-to-face, and do.......nothing. The website would be the antithesis of Facebook and just be called, "Empty Pages." The web traffic will explode, ad thousands of people would log on, so they never have to log in anywhere else. There wouldn't be a button for "like", just "dislike". The "What's on Your Mind" box would still be present, but it would link directly to a psychiatrist.
I don't know how Marc Zuckerberg missed the boat on this one. I look forward to the IPO.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Please Gong "American Idol"
I really miss Chuck Barris. You remember Chuck Barris, don't you? Creator of both The Newlywed Game and The Gong Show, he was also rumored to be an operative in the CIA. Let's just say, he'd have one of the more interesting resumes on LinkedIn.
But when looking back on a successful career, he will be most remembered for hosting what I consider to the be the precursor and superior version of American Idol - - The Gong Show.
For those who don't remember, the Gong Show had a very simple premise. You competed on stage for a few minutes, performing just about anything you wanted. Singers, dancers, magicians, comedians, musicians, poetry readers, and church choirs, were all fair game. Three celebrity judges would rate your performance on a scale of 1-10 if and only if you made it through your act without one of them grabbing a mallot and smashing a huge gong. This act, of course, signified a general distate for a specific performance or in the a more direct parlance, "You suck."
Chuck Barris was like Ryan Seacrest, with the exception of what seemed like his being on heavy doses of cocaine. (Understandably, this made for a much more charismatic host). Half the fun was in watching Chuck Barris do or say just about anything, and the other half was waiting in anticipation to see if a really bad act would actually find its way around that dreaded gong.
Winners received a nominal cash prize. No record contracts. No national interviews on radio and television talk shows. And you certainly didn't make the national headlines. This was especially true if you won the Gong Show for playing the Star Spangled Banner by whistling your nose hair.
So when Amercian Idol returns every January, I don't watch. I can't. The first four weeks consist of all the horrible acts on the Gong Show that didn't last more than 30 seconds without getting the boot. On American Idol, we have to watch these train wrecks for several minutes. On the Gong Show, these acts would be sprinkled in with others that were actually above average. American Idol makes you watch these tone deaf bastards for one month straight before moving on to anyone that can sing.
If for some reason, you decide to watch through this cold period, you then get to view high end karaoke for the next 20 weeks. Is this really supposed to capture our attention. If I really wanted to watch karaoke, I could find a bachelorette party somewhere in New York City. But let's face it. Who has that kind of time?
As an added bonus, we get to listen to host Ryan Seacrest, who's about as interesting a personality as the guy who died in Weekend at Bernie's. Sometimes he gets to tell the back stories of some of the contestants which all involve someone who used to sing in Church or in a garage rock band who one day dreamed of being on Fox-TV with Simon Cowell. Oh, wait a minute. Simon took off to start another karaoke show. Now you'll have to deal with Steven Tyler, lead singer of Aerosmith.
Is he supposed to be a replacement for Cowell, the Don Rickles of the music industry? And do you really want his opinion on anything? Dream On.
So, here's the cure for American Bile, er, American Idol. Turn it into the Gong Show. If you have to keep the music theme, fine. But let's find judges who know nothing about music at all, and hand them a gong. It would certainly save time. Why do we have to sit and listen to yet another kid doing a Justin Bieber impression for 4 minutes, when they could quickly gong these clowns back to the nearest bus station. Replace Ryan Seacrest with Jim Carrey and now you'd have a show.
Well, Fox would probably never go for it. Gong sounds too much like bong and that might send Steve Tyler back into rehab. But mark my words. This could be the beginning of the end for this evergreen talent contest if they don't make a few tweaks.
I bet, if you asked nicely, you could even get the Unknown Comic to make a comeback.
But when looking back on a successful career, he will be most remembered for hosting what I consider to the be the precursor and superior version of American Idol - - The Gong Show.
For those who don't remember, the Gong Show had a very simple premise. You competed on stage for a few minutes, performing just about anything you wanted. Singers, dancers, magicians, comedians, musicians, poetry readers, and church choirs, were all fair game. Three celebrity judges would rate your performance on a scale of 1-10 if and only if you made it through your act without one of them grabbing a mallot and smashing a huge gong. This act, of course, signified a general distate for a specific performance or in the a more direct parlance, "You suck."
Chuck Barris was like Ryan Seacrest, with the exception of what seemed like his being on heavy doses of cocaine. (Understandably, this made for a much more charismatic host). Half the fun was in watching Chuck Barris do or say just about anything, and the other half was waiting in anticipation to see if a really bad act would actually find its way around that dreaded gong.
Winners received a nominal cash prize. No record contracts. No national interviews on radio and television talk shows. And you certainly didn't make the national headlines. This was especially true if you won the Gong Show for playing the Star Spangled Banner by whistling your nose hair.
So when Amercian Idol returns every January, I don't watch. I can't. The first four weeks consist of all the horrible acts on the Gong Show that didn't last more than 30 seconds without getting the boot. On American Idol, we have to watch these train wrecks for several minutes. On the Gong Show, these acts would be sprinkled in with others that were actually above average. American Idol makes you watch these tone deaf bastards for one month straight before moving on to anyone that can sing.
If for some reason, you decide to watch through this cold period, you then get to view high end karaoke for the next 20 weeks. Is this really supposed to capture our attention. If I really wanted to watch karaoke, I could find a bachelorette party somewhere in New York City. But let's face it. Who has that kind of time?
As an added bonus, we get to listen to host Ryan Seacrest, who's about as interesting a personality as the guy who died in Weekend at Bernie's. Sometimes he gets to tell the back stories of some of the contestants which all involve someone who used to sing in Church or in a garage rock band who one day dreamed of being on Fox-TV with Simon Cowell. Oh, wait a minute. Simon took off to start another karaoke show. Now you'll have to deal with Steven Tyler, lead singer of Aerosmith.
Is he supposed to be a replacement for Cowell, the Don Rickles of the music industry? And do you really want his opinion on anything? Dream On.
So, here's the cure for American Bile, er, American Idol. Turn it into the Gong Show. If you have to keep the music theme, fine. But let's find judges who know nothing about music at all, and hand them a gong. It would certainly save time. Why do we have to sit and listen to yet another kid doing a Justin Bieber impression for 4 minutes, when they could quickly gong these clowns back to the nearest bus station. Replace Ryan Seacrest with Jim Carrey and now you'd have a show.
Well, Fox would probably never go for it. Gong sounds too much like bong and that might send Steve Tyler back into rehab. But mark my words. This could be the beginning of the end for this evergreen talent contest if they don't make a few tweaks.
I bet, if you asked nicely, you could even get the Unknown Comic to make a comeback.
Friday, January 7, 2011
The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
If you ever sat down and made a list of all the things you'd like to teach your children across a lifetime, it would probably resemble the length of the Declaration of Independence.
We all know the basics: "Wear a hat in the winter." "Don't put your hand near the stove." "Brush your teeth." "Look both ways when crossing the street." And who could forget, "Don't take rides with strangers."
These are the easy ones. Minor leagues, really. They were taught to us at an early age when we were at our most impressionable. And through the natural course of daily living, we're fortunate enough to get plenty of practice as parents. Somehow, these incidents seem to present themselves so often that after awhile, our kids can recite the mantras before they even leave our mouths.
After all the standard precautions are out of the way, we move onto a higher level of basic etiquette. "Say you're sorry." "Always say thank you." "When you ask for something, say please." Of course, these are usually less of a slam dunk and could easily go by the wayside. However, at the end of the day, you can sleep at night with the knowledge that you tried to train your kids for the important things in life; even as basic as they are.
We teach the differences between right and wrong and even explain the disparity between good and bad people, as sometimes referred to as "Mensches vs Schmucks". Unfortunately, it's the subcategories that often get forgotten. For me, the eye opener this week happened at Claire's, a costume jewelry store for young girls.
It wasn't the trigger happy ear piercer, or the obnoxious sales clerk. It was someone else that my kids had never experienced before.
THE SHOPLIFTER
My wife first noticed it. A teenager had tucked a pair of earrings in her pocket, and was immediately caught by a very observant sales clerk. She cornered the shoplifter, and asked the cashier to call the police. Our kids were pulled aside from the "crime scene" as they watched with utter amazement that someone would actually try to take something without paying for it.
It was at that moment that I realized that as parents, we never really set aside time to explain the existence of dishonest people in the world. Our kids may have witnessed cheating on a test, or maybe school pranks that end quickly and without permanent harm. However, we never really expose them to....real thieves.
Then the questions begin. "Why did she do that? "What are the police going to do?" "Will she go to jail?" "Could she just say she was sorry?"
The police did eventually arrive, and the kids didn't feel like waiting around to see what the outcome would be. In fact, they didn't even want to do anything else in town. They simply wanted to go home, presumably before they ran into any other shoplifters with inflated pockets.
I told this story to a friend of mine just yesterday, and he mentioned that while inside the mall last week, someone broke the back window of his sport utility to get his mitts on his daugther's iTouch. His kids returned to the car to not only find a missing iTouch, but a hole where the window should be and glass all over their car seats. My friend called the police and his kids finished witnessing their first exposure to theft. He too had to explain his way out of this one while walking on egg shells. He busted out the "some people are poor" card. Then followed up with "maybe his parents didn't teach him the right things to do." It didn't really matter. His kids are still talking about it.
Maybe there isn't a way to ever prepare your kids for people who steal. The unfortunate thing is, it will be all around them for the rest of their lives. It's why the police always have work, and why homes have alarm systems. It keeps security guards in business, and doesn't hurt doormen either. Thievery is like oxygen to Wall Street and a blood transfusion to a used car dealer.
Movies and television can't help us with this kind of education. Somehow "Swiper" from Dora just doesn't have the same impact as real life, especially because he never gets away with it. I guess there may never be a specific way to prepare our kids for the Billy the Kids that reside in our towns, or for that matter in every town. Nobody wants to get robbed. Nobody wants to see a robbery in progress.
So we shelter our kids from the Fagans of the world the best we can. And when they do finally come face to face with someone mean who takes something that doesn't belong to them, we can only hope.
We hope that it's a 9-year old, with a Yankees cap, stealing his first pack of baseball cards.
We all know the basics: "Wear a hat in the winter." "Don't put your hand near the stove." "Brush your teeth." "Look both ways when crossing the street." And who could forget, "Don't take rides with strangers."
These are the easy ones. Minor leagues, really. They were taught to us at an early age when we were at our most impressionable. And through the natural course of daily living, we're fortunate enough to get plenty of practice as parents. Somehow, these incidents seem to present themselves so often that after awhile, our kids can recite the mantras before they even leave our mouths.
After all the standard precautions are out of the way, we move onto a higher level of basic etiquette. "Say you're sorry." "Always say thank you." "When you ask for something, say please." Of course, these are usually less of a slam dunk and could easily go by the wayside. However, at the end of the day, you can sleep at night with the knowledge that you tried to train your kids for the important things in life; even as basic as they are.
We teach the differences between right and wrong and even explain the disparity between good and bad people, as sometimes referred to as "Mensches vs Schmucks". Unfortunately, it's the subcategories that often get forgotten. For me, the eye opener this week happened at Claire's, a costume jewelry store for young girls.
It wasn't the trigger happy ear piercer, or the obnoxious sales clerk. It was someone else that my kids had never experienced before.
THE SHOPLIFTER
My wife first noticed it. A teenager had tucked a pair of earrings in her pocket, and was immediately caught by a very observant sales clerk. She cornered the shoplifter, and asked the cashier to call the police. Our kids were pulled aside from the "crime scene" as they watched with utter amazement that someone would actually try to take something without paying for it.
It was at that moment that I realized that as parents, we never really set aside time to explain the existence of dishonest people in the world. Our kids may have witnessed cheating on a test, or maybe school pranks that end quickly and without permanent harm. However, we never really expose them to....real thieves.
Then the questions begin. "Why did she do that? "What are the police going to do?" "Will she go to jail?" "Could she just say she was sorry?"
The police did eventually arrive, and the kids didn't feel like waiting around to see what the outcome would be. In fact, they didn't even want to do anything else in town. They simply wanted to go home, presumably before they ran into any other shoplifters with inflated pockets.
I told this story to a friend of mine just yesterday, and he mentioned that while inside the mall last week, someone broke the back window of his sport utility to get his mitts on his daugther's iTouch. His kids returned to the car to not only find a missing iTouch, but a hole where the window should be and glass all over their car seats. My friend called the police and his kids finished witnessing their first exposure to theft. He too had to explain his way out of this one while walking on egg shells. He busted out the "some people are poor" card. Then followed up with "maybe his parents didn't teach him the right things to do." It didn't really matter. His kids are still talking about it.
Maybe there isn't a way to ever prepare your kids for people who steal. The unfortunate thing is, it will be all around them for the rest of their lives. It's why the police always have work, and why homes have alarm systems. It keeps security guards in business, and doesn't hurt doormen either. Thievery is like oxygen to Wall Street and a blood transfusion to a used car dealer.
Movies and television can't help us with this kind of education. Somehow "Swiper" from Dora just doesn't have the same impact as real life, especially because he never gets away with it. I guess there may never be a specific way to prepare our kids for the Billy the Kids that reside in our towns, or for that matter in every town. Nobody wants to get robbed. Nobody wants to see a robbery in progress.
So we shelter our kids from the Fagans of the world the best we can. And when they do finally come face to face with someone mean who takes something that doesn't belong to them, we can only hope.
We hope that it's a 9-year old, with a Yankees cap, stealing his first pack of baseball cards.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Observations from 2010
They say you get wiser as you get older, but I think that old adage is somewhat subjective. The jury's still out on me. Nonetheless, I had time to ponder some of the things I've learned over the last year, and decided to put these musings down on paper. So, in no particular order:
Since I walked my dog after the blizzard, I've lost any interest in lemon ices......
When I hear people say Woody and Buzz, I can't tell if they've watching a scene from Toy Story or The Hangover
Over the last 3 years, I've paid enough money to physical therapists to qualify for a time share......
The Wii was only meant for people with little fingers and little hands......
If you get your hair washed by the right shampoo girl, your wife has reasonable grounds to file for divorce.....
We seem to be more worried about bed bugs than terrorists.....
If I keep contributing to 401Ks, IRAs, 529 Plans, life insurance and auto insurance, I should be able to declare bankruptcy sometime around the middle of next year......
These new screening machines at the airport will allow me to get periodic looks at my hip replacement......
They should have sleep away camp for parents.......
I'm waiting for someone to create better medical apps so I can get a colonoscopy from my Ipad......
Conan is funnier when he's being interviewed than when he's interviewing almost anyone else.....
I've grown to trust my car dealer more than real estate brokers, doctors, and Al Qaeda.....
Most waiters make lousy actors, but several actors make good waiters......
Retail clothing stores require the salespeople to wear their merchandise, except for Victoria Secret...and that is truly a travesty...
New Jersey Transit trains should only be used to transport criminals to various prisons.....(wait a minute)
I'll never be able to retire, but at 65 I'm going back to school, and hopefully my parents can take care of me......
When my daughters begin dating, I'm moving out of the house......
People who write blogs should have their heads examined......
HERE'S TO A GREAT 2011.....ANOTHER YEAR OLDER.....AND HOPEFULLY, ANOTHER YEAR WISER.
Since I walked my dog after the blizzard, I've lost any interest in lemon ices......
When I hear people say Woody and Buzz, I can't tell if they've watching a scene from Toy Story or The Hangover
Over the last 3 years, I've paid enough money to physical therapists to qualify for a time share......
The Wii was only meant for people with little fingers and little hands......
If you get your hair washed by the right shampoo girl, your wife has reasonable grounds to file for divorce.....
We seem to be more worried about bed bugs than terrorists.....
If I keep contributing to 401Ks, IRAs, 529 Plans, life insurance and auto insurance, I should be able to declare bankruptcy sometime around the middle of next year......
These new screening machines at the airport will allow me to get periodic looks at my hip replacement......
They should have sleep away camp for parents.......
I'm waiting for someone to create better medical apps so I can get a colonoscopy from my Ipad......
Conan is funnier when he's being interviewed than when he's interviewing almost anyone else.....
I've grown to trust my car dealer more than real estate brokers, doctors, and Al Qaeda.....
Most waiters make lousy actors, but several actors make good waiters......
Retail clothing stores require the salespeople to wear their merchandise, except for Victoria Secret...and that is truly a travesty...
New Jersey Transit trains should only be used to transport criminals to various prisons.....(wait a minute)
I'll never be able to retire, but at 65 I'm going back to school, and hopefully my parents can take care of me......
When my daughters begin dating, I'm moving out of the house......
People who write blogs should have their heads examined......
HERE'S TO A GREAT 2011.....ANOTHER YEAR OLDER.....AND HOPEFULLY, ANOTHER YEAR WISER.
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