For most people, Thanksgiving is defined by the the 3 F's:
Family, Food, and Football
As for me, I've always focused on the first two. Because unlike the rest of the free world, I'm just not that into football. In some houses, this belief system would force me into a time-out in the corner, or be relegated to the kitchen and speak to some of the ladies about Rachael Ray, or some reality show on the Food Network. So be it.
I looked forward to Thanksgiving so I could watch hockey. That's right. A Canadian sport. And yes, from that northern country that celebrates Boxing Day instead of Thanksgiving. I'd rather watch two players throw their helmets and gloves off and duke it out rather than watch a guy pummel a helpless player catching a pass in mid-field. Hey, we all have our preferences.
But now, yet again, I will be without hockey on Thanksgiving. For this, I can give thanks to yet another NHL lockout; the second in just eight years. My fear is that this one is going to last well beyond Thanksgiving. I don't think I'll even see a puck drop by Christmas. Therefore, I must prepare for the worst and find different activities that replace the adrenaline rush I used to get from watching these toothless warriors skate around.
The first thing I need to solve is replacing violence in a skating arena. For that, I'm going to You Tube to watch the footage of the Nancy Kerrigan and Tanya Harding incident. Boy, I would love to have seen those two duke it out on the ice. My money's on Tanya.
I've always had an affinity for the goalies in hockey, and you just don't get a chance to see them every day. So, I think I'll download all the Halloween movies so I can see Jason in a classic Ken Dryden mask. I'm going to turn the volume down because he seems much less scary when you can't hear that foreboding music that just says, "look out behind you!"
It's hard to find a reason for people to use a hockey stick beyond, well, hockey. But I have a few ideas to put mine to good use. The first thing is to replace my broom. Brooms get dirty very quickly and cleaning them is even messier. (or should I say Messier?) Using a hockey stick to sweep dirt into a dustpan is much cooler and can make for great exercise. Cleaning up glass is a little trickier, but glass looks a lot like ice giving the process a more authentic feel.
I'm also going to replace my snow brush and ice pick. There's nothing sexy about taking snow and ice off your car. But there will be now, as you stick handle your way down the hood, across the windshields, and against the side mirrors. If you do this while wearing a hockey jersey, you can expect to find yourself on You Tube pretty quickly. And probably with a lot of views.
In keeping with the snow theme, I'm also going to rent my own Zamboni. After all, what are they using them for these days? I'll keep it in my garage, and on those really icy days, I'll use it on the driveway. This will help level out the chips, and I'll be able to create my very own rink. Just think how happy the kids are going to be when they can go ice skating without ever leaving the house.
Referees are people I'm definitely going to miss. There's just something about how those black and white stripes really stand out. As a replacement, I'll tune in to a few hours of Animal Planet and watch the Zebras. The lions in pursuit of their prey can play the role of the fired up coaches that argue the calls made by the zebra refs.
The hardest iconic hockey piece to replace is by far the face-off. It's one of the greatest battles in sports. Mano-a-mano, you stare up at your opponent and give them that nasty stare down. There can only be one winner, and you both dig in your heels and fight to the death for victory. Where else am I going to find that kind of intensity with such great frequency? Oh yeah. I still have my ex-wife.
In the end, I guess there just isn't a cure-all for a hockey lock-out. So today, I will dutifully watch football and secretly dream of grabbing a few turkey legs for sticks and a wish bone for a puck.
Game on.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Say Yes To More Reality Mess
Every time my kids have a territorial advantage on the remote control, I'm forced to watch some reality show. Lately, the brain numbing program of choice has been "Say Yes to the Dress." Now, I don't need to go into great detail as to why this doesn't appeal to me. And it's compounded by the fact that I haven't seen a puck hit the ice in over two months.
Nonetheless, I'm forced to watch women of all shapes, sizes, and tattoos argue with everyone from salespeople, bridesmaids, and their mothers about which dress to select for an occasion that will last about 5 hours.
Suffice it to say that I couldn't "Care Less about the Dress." But my kids certainly do. My older daughter gets caught up in all the nuances of the family drama, while my youngest says, "I just like seeing all the different dresses.'' So, after several airings of this garbage, I thought, if you can't beat them...join them.
I started thinking about some spinoffs that would be much more interesting. As the next step after the wedding could be the decision to start a family, wouldn't it be great to see young couples bickering over whether or not have a kid?
"What do you mean we don't have the money?!!"
"I haven't even seen Italy yet!"
"I don't know how to change a diaper"
"Your mother's really been a pain in the ass"
And the name of our new hit show......."Say Maybe To The Baby." I smell a hit. There's just nothing better than a couple fighting vehemently about the biological clock. So this show runs its course, and eventually someone caves and they have the baby. They have to quickly move on to the next phase which involves certain traditions you plan for after bringing a little one into the world. Which brings us to our second spin-off called...
"Say Diss to the Bris." Let's face it. There are lot of people out there who have weak stomachs. Most of us could think of a laundry list of things they would rather be doing instead of witnessing a circumcision. And for some, just the word mohel, gives some people the shakes. So the prospect of filming people's reactions to a bris has great comic potential.
After the birth of a child, the in-laws usually spend a lot more time with the happy couple, usually rendering them, well, unhappy. Inevitably, flaws come to the surface like dead fish, and the grandparents become very critical of their sons and daughters in law. This dynamic would spawn two companion shows from different perspectives. "Can't Decide on the Bride" and "There's No Room For The Groom" will run back to back on Tuesday nights for an hour of reality bliss.
The next big step in the lifecycle is deciding where to buy a house for the growing family. Once again, this can cause great drama that's certain to provide strong ratings in the key demos. This is where couples first become exposed to one of the world's great menaces: The Real Estate Broker. Here, you can sit back and try to spot a series of lies about the neighborhood and its educational system. Therefore, "Losing Patience with Your Agent" is something we've all experienced and destined to be a crowd pleaser.
Completing the circle, about 7 years into our continuing franchise, we find many of our couples under the strain of finances, soccer games, individual smothering, infidelity, and more. This fiery period will draw us in to a world where the marriage eventually becomes unhinged, making "Get This Louse Out Of My House" an instant classic.
The beauty is that a majority of these couples will eventually get remarried, and when they do, we can watch them return on "Say Yes To The Dress."
Life really is its own reality show.
Nonetheless, I'm forced to watch women of all shapes, sizes, and tattoos argue with everyone from salespeople, bridesmaids, and their mothers about which dress to select for an occasion that will last about 5 hours.
Suffice it to say that I couldn't "Care Less about the Dress." But my kids certainly do. My older daughter gets caught up in all the nuances of the family drama, while my youngest says, "I just like seeing all the different dresses.'' So, after several airings of this garbage, I thought, if you can't beat them...join them.
I started thinking about some spinoffs that would be much more interesting. As the next step after the wedding could be the decision to start a family, wouldn't it be great to see young couples bickering over whether or not have a kid?
"What do you mean we don't have the money?!!"
"I haven't even seen Italy yet!"
"I don't know how to change a diaper"
"Your mother's really been a pain in the ass"
And the name of our new hit show......."Say Maybe To The Baby." I smell a hit. There's just nothing better than a couple fighting vehemently about the biological clock. So this show runs its course, and eventually someone caves and they have the baby. They have to quickly move on to the next phase which involves certain traditions you plan for after bringing a little one into the world. Which brings us to our second spin-off called...
"Say Diss to the Bris." Let's face it. There are lot of people out there who have weak stomachs. Most of us could think of a laundry list of things they would rather be doing instead of witnessing a circumcision. And for some, just the word mohel, gives some people the shakes. So the prospect of filming people's reactions to a bris has great comic potential.
After the birth of a child, the in-laws usually spend a lot more time with the happy couple, usually rendering them, well, unhappy. Inevitably, flaws come to the surface like dead fish, and the grandparents become very critical of their sons and daughters in law. This dynamic would spawn two companion shows from different perspectives. "Can't Decide on the Bride" and "There's No Room For The Groom" will run back to back on Tuesday nights for an hour of reality bliss.
The next big step in the lifecycle is deciding where to buy a house for the growing family. Once again, this can cause great drama that's certain to provide strong ratings in the key demos. This is where couples first become exposed to one of the world's great menaces: The Real Estate Broker. Here, you can sit back and try to spot a series of lies about the neighborhood and its educational system. Therefore, "Losing Patience with Your Agent" is something we've all experienced and destined to be a crowd pleaser.
Completing the circle, about 7 years into our continuing franchise, we find many of our couples under the strain of finances, soccer games, individual smothering, infidelity, and more. This fiery period will draw us in to a world where the marriage eventually becomes unhinged, making "Get This Louse Out Of My House" an instant classic.
The beauty is that a majority of these couples will eventually get remarried, and when they do, we can watch them return on "Say Yes To The Dress."
Life really is its own reality show.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Sandy vs 9/11
In this corner, weighing 3 million pounds, emanating from various areas of the Middle East.....it's Niiinneeee Eeeeeleeeveeen! And in the opposite corner, weighing in at a similar 3 million pounds...from the intersection of the U.S. and Canada...Huuriiicaaaane Saaannnddyyy!
It would be quite a boxing match if it ever occurred in some parallel universe, but no matter. An actual battle has been playing out in broadcast media, social media, and even in that antiquated medium called print. The comparisons are being made at many different levels, led predominantly by politicians, and for the purposes of federal reimbursement and decisions about safety.
First, it seems pointless to compare these events on any level. One was a calculated, diabolically planned terrorist attack that developed over many years. The other was a natural occurrence without any natural enemies that took just a few weeks to develop. But don't get me wrong. The damage inflicted was equally devastating and they cut deep into our collective psyches. However, to be fair, it's worth exploring the notable similarities and differences.
Hurricane Sandy and 9/11 shut down the U.S stock market. They closed public transportation, many businesses, and schools. They made it difficult for people to focus on anything else but the immediate matters at hand, and it exposed a breach in our security. Communication was virtually shut down, and it became difficult to alert your friends and family about your whereabouts. These events even forced our political leaders to rise to the occasion and many raised their profiles and approval ratings.
They also brought us closer together. We began to talk to people that we'd usually ignore. Race and religion no longer mattered. We were all Americans. Americans challenged to get their lives back together. It also made us take a second look at what we had. If your family was still in tact, you were grateful. If your house was still intact, you were grateful. So it made us take pause; something that we rarely schedule into our weekly calendars.
But that's where the comparisons end.
When the towers fell, more people perished. It was over 3000. With the hurricane, the number stood near 43. (Please note that these numbers are only for the basis of comparison, as just a single death is too many.) 9/11 essentially turned off lower Manhattan, and specifically those areas near Wall Street. Hurricane Sandy shut down power for over 50 percent of the tri-State area, many of whom are still without it.
The terrorist attack shook us at our foundations, including friends, families, and co-workers. Hurricane Sandy shook the foundations of houses, businesses, boardwalks, sending many into the ocean or just into a state of massive dilapidation. After 9/11, most of us had places to return to, either home or business. In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, some people don't know where to go.
9/11 was a massive violation. Hurricane Sandy was a massive Armageddon. Right now, people haven't had their power for a full week. Gas is scarce, and the working pumps have 2 hour lines. I have co-workers that lost their homes and friends spending several days in other peoples homes just for heat and hot water. Some of these may even be out of state.
And yet, we still have people trying to link these two events. The New York City Marathon was a great example. The initial thought was if we ran the race after 9/11, we shouldn't have a problem running it now. We all know how that turned out. It also seemed like the Red Cross naturally gravitated to downtown Manhattan again, because the power was shut down there, and after all, that's where they went last time. Meanwhile, the people on Staten Island and in Queens that really needed the immediate help, had to wait longer. It was even rumored that before the cancellation of the NYC Marathon, Mayor Bloomberg called former Mayor Rudy Giuliani to ask for advice. Are you kidding?
I think it's time we stop connecting these two events and let them stand on their own. They are different, and so are our feelings towards them. Instead, let's focus our efforts through all means possible, getting assistance to the people who really need it.
Help someone get gas for his generator. Bring food and water to an area without it. Offer your homes to friends and neighbors without power. And most importantly, keep people informed.
9/11 and Hurricane Sandy are in similar weight classes - they're both heavyweights. But that's where the comparisons end.
It would be quite a boxing match if it ever occurred in some parallel universe, but no matter. An actual battle has been playing out in broadcast media, social media, and even in that antiquated medium called print. The comparisons are being made at many different levels, led predominantly by politicians, and for the purposes of federal reimbursement and decisions about safety.
First, it seems pointless to compare these events on any level. One was a calculated, diabolically planned terrorist attack that developed over many years. The other was a natural occurrence without any natural enemies that took just a few weeks to develop. But don't get me wrong. The damage inflicted was equally devastating and they cut deep into our collective psyches. However, to be fair, it's worth exploring the notable similarities and differences.
Hurricane Sandy and 9/11 shut down the U.S stock market. They closed public transportation, many businesses, and schools. They made it difficult for people to focus on anything else but the immediate matters at hand, and it exposed a breach in our security. Communication was virtually shut down, and it became difficult to alert your friends and family about your whereabouts. These events even forced our political leaders to rise to the occasion and many raised their profiles and approval ratings.
They also brought us closer together. We began to talk to people that we'd usually ignore. Race and religion no longer mattered. We were all Americans. Americans challenged to get their lives back together. It also made us take a second look at what we had. If your family was still in tact, you were grateful. If your house was still intact, you were grateful. So it made us take pause; something that we rarely schedule into our weekly calendars.
But that's where the comparisons end.
When the towers fell, more people perished. It was over 3000. With the hurricane, the number stood near 43. (Please note that these numbers are only for the basis of comparison, as just a single death is too many.) 9/11 essentially turned off lower Manhattan, and specifically those areas near Wall Street. Hurricane Sandy shut down power for over 50 percent of the tri-State area, many of whom are still without it.
The terrorist attack shook us at our foundations, including friends, families, and co-workers. Hurricane Sandy shook the foundations of houses, businesses, boardwalks, sending many into the ocean or just into a state of massive dilapidation. After 9/11, most of us had places to return to, either home or business. In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, some people don't know where to go.
9/11 was a massive violation. Hurricane Sandy was a massive Armageddon. Right now, people haven't had their power for a full week. Gas is scarce, and the working pumps have 2 hour lines. I have co-workers that lost their homes and friends spending several days in other peoples homes just for heat and hot water. Some of these may even be out of state.
And yet, we still have people trying to link these two events. The New York City Marathon was a great example. The initial thought was if we ran the race after 9/11, we shouldn't have a problem running it now. We all know how that turned out. It also seemed like the Red Cross naturally gravitated to downtown Manhattan again, because the power was shut down there, and after all, that's where they went last time. Meanwhile, the people on Staten Island and in Queens that really needed the immediate help, had to wait longer. It was even rumored that before the cancellation of the NYC Marathon, Mayor Bloomberg called former Mayor Rudy Giuliani to ask for advice. Are you kidding?
I think it's time we stop connecting these two events and let them stand on their own. They are different, and so are our feelings towards them. Instead, let's focus our efforts through all means possible, getting assistance to the people who really need it.
Help someone get gas for his generator. Bring food and water to an area without it. Offer your homes to friends and neighbors without power. And most importantly, keep people informed.
9/11 and Hurricane Sandy are in similar weight classes - they're both heavyweights. But that's where the comparisons end.
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