As this will be one of my last blogs of the year, I'll keep with my custom (if 3 years qualifies as a custom) and share my random musings about the last 12 months:
I should have known the Mayans wouldn't get it right. They also picked the Jets to make the playoffs......
Considering Steven Spielberg's ability to tell a story, I thought "Lincoln" would have had a different ending....
2012 was so bad, I wish it could have ended in June.....
You know there's something wrong with our priorities when "Gangnam Style" was web searched more than "Korea tests nuclear bombs"........
The most recent hurricane and my ex Mother-in-Law are now 2 reasons for me to dislike the name "Sandy".....
While we're on the subject of gun control, let's add water guns to the list. I hate when the kids spray me in the face.....
Could you imagine if they produced "We are the World" today? It just wouldn't be the same with Justin Bieber, Demi Lovato, Rihanna, and Katy Perry.......
If Apple made an iPad Mini mini...it would be called an iPhone.......
The Fiscal Cliff would have been settled years ago if we had better rock climbers.....
Activision needs to make a public statement saying that "Call of Duty" isn't an instruction manual.....
It's been reported that Facebook can capture personal search data after you hit the "Like" button.....I don't like this....
The word "tablet" has a whole new meaning today.....when I was a kid, it referred to medication.....
People are getting more passive-aggressive. It's even in our music. That's why Carly Rae Jepson says, "Call Me......Maybe....."
I discovered very quickly that it's cheaper to buy Lucky Charms than Pandora's charms.....
EZ-Pass is still great. But I think they should change the name of the cash lane to "Dumb-Ass.".....
If online dating is filled with people who are well-educated, happy, well-travelled, financially sound, intellectual, and fun.....why do they all need dates?
Woody Allen once said that "the last time he was inside a woman, he was in the Statue of Liberty." I don't remember the last time I was in the Statue of Liberty.....
Mayor Bloomberg couldn't have picked two more unrelated targets......Guns and Soda......
Politicians keep telling us to look on the bright side....that's hard to do with their heads in their asses......
Amazingly, my divorce was shorter than the fighting in the Middle East....
Instagram didn't turn a profit, had only 13 employees, but sold for a billion dollars....they didn't teach me how to do that in college....
Thanks to Mitt Romney, Big Bird became more popular than Larry Bird.....
A-rod will soon need a rod in his hip......
On New Years Eve, New York shouldn't drop a ball, but instead something we'd like to get rid of....like our Blackberrys....
HAPPY AND HEALTHY NEW YEAR TO ALL...
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
A Halo Over Newtown
A country mourns and will continue mourning over the unimaginable shootings that took place and took lives in an elementary school in Connecticut.
Facebook, Twitter, radio and television talk shows have lit up with thousands of people giving their opinions on what measures need to be taken to prevent acts like this from ever happening again.
Thus far, I've heard plenty about gun control which has seemed blatantly obvious since Columbine. However, politics has reigned king on this one and may continue to do so. I've even read a few more militant solutions which call for more guns in the form of security guards and policeman in schools and in other public places.
And then, similar to the anti-cigarette lobby, Hollywood was vehemently attacked for making R-rated films that glorify blood, guts, and killers that all suffer from severe psychological disorders with access to guns.
As for me, I've begun to realize that a different culprit lies in the shadows at places like Best Buy, Gamestop, and Target. And that's where you can find games like Halo and Grand Theft Auto. Despite the warnings on their labels about being appropriate for older children, many parents buy them for their pre-tween and tween boys.
I know this seems trite and an easy solution to explain away these violent acts, but let's look a little deeper and under the epidermis of these mass killings. The recent shooter in Newtown was found wearing a military vest that held significant ammunition, as well as several guns, including an assault rifle. In the mall shooting in Oregon the gunman was wearing another load-bearing vest which is a military style garment meant for carrying heavy equipment. The shooter at a movie theater in Colorado was wearing a helmet, vest, leggings, groin and throat protector. It was then that I remembered seeing a recent ad for the latest version of "Halo," and then the picture became even clearer.
Let me share a few stats with you. The game Halo is currently in it's fourth generation. The third version did $170 million in sales on it's first day, and Halo 4 surpassed that number with $220 million during it's debut. In total, these games have now made $3.4 billion for.....Microsoft, maker of Xbox.
Just ask yourself why deranged killers that walk into movie theaters, malls, and schools need all this weaponry and equipment to fight against defenseless patrons, teachers, and school children. F
irst, there isn't a threat. So no one's going to fire back. Masking yourself is also a fruitless exercise because in an abundant number of these cases, the shooter kills himself afterwards. Therefore, they're hiding from no one. The weapons themselves have predominantly been those used by the military and not civilians leading me to this solitary belief:
THESE KILLERS BELIEVE THAT THEY'RE IN A VIDEO GAME THAT DOESN'T REALLY EXIST
So, what can we do to stop it? Can you stand in front of Microsoft in Seattle and demand answers? Can we force Bill Gates or Steve Ballmer to invest enough money into the anti-gun lobby to move the needle? Will they ever stop making games like this?
Here are the short answers to the test. NO, NO, and NO.
But here's what we can do:
1- If you have a child that borders on having any diagnosed psychological condition, particularly those that are on medication, you should not be allowed to legally or morally purchase these games.
2- If you legally own a handgun, rifle, assault weapon, or whatever, you should be on a list and be banned from owning this game or those like it.
3- This one is for Hollywood. Do not make any more movies about Halo or any facsimile video game.
4- If your child exhibits violent tendencies, or is on medication to curb any behavioral disorder, it is the parents' responsibility to keep him out of any movies that glorify gun violence.
You need more proof of the connection? The killers are all male, and are all in their early 20's. They just had several years in front of their X-boxes and their movies watching how to execute. Studying, learning. These kids must be taken away from these screens. Not tomorrow, but today. Very few people decide to pick up a hobby like violent video games and movies in their 20's. They had years of practice. So, by the time they're of age, the guns are loaded and ready.
I don't know how to make this point any clearer. We can scream from rooftops, blast social media with our desires, solicit our congressman and we'll barely move the needle. But take children away from a world of fantasy where you kill for points and you'll make a difference.
Like most things in life, change begins at home.
I know this seems trite and an easy solution to explain away these violent acts, but let's look a little deeper and under the epidermis of these mass killings. The recent shooter in Newtown was found wearing a military vest that held significant ammunition, as well as several guns, including an assault rifle. In the mall shooting in Oregon the gunman was wearing another load-bearing vest which is a military style garment meant for carrying heavy equipment. The shooter at a movie theater in Colorado was wearing a helmet, vest, leggings, groin and throat protector. It was then that I remembered seeing a recent ad for the latest version of "Halo," and then the picture became even clearer.
Let me share a few stats with you. The game Halo is currently in it's fourth generation. The third version did $170 million in sales on it's first day, and Halo 4 surpassed that number with $220 million during it's debut. In total, these games have now made $3.4 billion for.....Microsoft, maker of Xbox.
Just ask yourself why deranged killers that walk into movie theaters, malls, and schools need all this weaponry and equipment to fight against defenseless patrons, teachers, and school children. F
THESE KILLERS BELIEVE THAT THEY'RE IN A VIDEO GAME THAT DOESN'T REALLY EXIST
So, what can we do to stop it? Can you stand in front of Microsoft in Seattle and demand answers? Can we force Bill Gates or Steve Ballmer to invest enough money into the anti-gun lobby to move the needle? Will they ever stop making games like this?
Here are the short answers to the test. NO, NO, and NO.
But here's what we can do:
1- If you have a child that borders on having any diagnosed psychological condition, particularly those that are on medication, you should not be allowed to legally or morally purchase these games.
2- If you legally own a handgun, rifle, assault weapon, or whatever, you should be on a list and be banned from owning this game or those like it.
3- This one is for Hollywood. Do not make any more movies about Halo or any facsimile video game.
4- If your child exhibits violent tendencies, or is on medication to curb any behavioral disorder, it is the parents' responsibility to keep him out of any movies that glorify gun violence.
You need more proof of the connection? The killers are all male, and are all in their early 20's. They just had several years in front of their X-boxes and their movies watching how to execute. Studying, learning. These kids must be taken away from these screens. Not tomorrow, but today. Very few people decide to pick up a hobby like violent video games and movies in their 20's. They had years of practice. So, by the time they're of age, the guns are loaded and ready.
I don't know how to make this point any clearer. We can scream from rooftops, blast social media with our desires, solicit our congressman and we'll barely move the needle. But take children away from a world of fantasy where you kill for points and you'll make a difference.
Like most things in life, change begins at home.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
The Best Buys
By now, you've probably been rendered black and blue by Black Friday and most likely a little sore from Cyber Monday. And I can understand it. After all, you've just been bombarded with promotion from all sides with titles like "for a limited time", "just this weekend", and "while supplies last" enticing you to part with your money before it's too late.
The question that we really have to ask is not how much we've saved, but what we've truly gotten for our money. Because more often that not, we are overpaying. Not in a monetary sense. We're overpaying based on what these items are truly worth to us.
Take a smart phone for instance. The physical device usually costs about $200 bucks minimum. Then, you have to pay for the monthly data plan. So for just year one, you've dropped almost a thousand dollars to mostly text your friends, look at pictures on Facebook and Instagram, and oh yeah, occasionally make a phone call. Before long, the next exciting new phone is released which you have to have, and the process starts all over again.
So before you drop a bundle on what you think gives you back everything that you put in, consider that there are actually several other gifts you can buy or upgrade this holiday season that will hold its value much longer than most.
For instance, furniture. On the surface, this is one of the most expensive categories you can delve into. Or is it? If you want to furnish an entire room with couches, chairs, ottomans, coffee tables, and more, it's possible to drop several thousand dollars before you can blink. That sounds expensive. And it is. That's why furniture retailers are always touting interest free financing for a year. It softens the blow. But the truth is that most of your recently bought furniture could easily sit in your living room or den for at least a decade, turning your investment into just $1000 per year or under $100 per month. Under $100 so you can entertain, showcase a room, watch your big screen tv, have family game night and more. Let's see a Droid do that.
Another amazing deal that never seems that way at the time is music. A song on iTunes costs $1.29. Some of us are pissed because many of these songs used to be just .99 cents. The nerve of Apple! But in reality, we drop a little under the cost of a Metro Card swipe, and we get something we really like....forever. That's right. You can use it as many times as you like and it never gets old. Not only that, but thanks to the Cloud and multiple mobile devices, you can take this song just about anywhere. How many times do you think you play a typical song over your lifetime? A few hundred? A thousand? If you amortized this and really did the math, Apple would owe you money.
Now that we're headed into the winter, a lot of us will wear a wide selection of coats and jackets. You need one for the football game, and another for skiing. An over coat for work, but a casual wool coat for the weekend. So, when you look in your closet, you realize that you've had many of these items for years. Many of them may have cost between $500 and $2000, and you cringed at the cash register. But if you think about how many days you've worn them, it may turn out to be just $1 a day. You'll have to periodically buy a new one here and there, but don't hesitate. It's the best deal in your closet.
At the start of the new year, several of us will join new health clubs to coincide with a resolution we'll never keep. Gyms are getting fancier than ever with spa-like locker rooms and lap pools. After the tour, they break the news that you have to pay a membership fee and then close to $100 per month or $1200 per year. While at the gym, you'll use treadmills, bikes, and ellipticals. You may use the pool. You'll work on nautilus machines and lift free weights. If you had all this equipment in your house, it would probably be over $15,000. Some of the machines would eventually break, and you'd be responsible for fixing it. At the gym, you just move to a different machine. When you calculate the added health benefit of the exercise, there may be no better deal in the world.
The last very valuable item that consumers consistently bitch about is the cost of their phone/internet/cable package. Everyone moans about the monthly cost and switches their provider every one or two years to get the best deal. In the end, they settle around $150 per month or about $2,000 per year. For this price, you can stay on the phone for an unlimited amount of time with anyone in the country. You can access the internet with lightning speed which in turn gives you access to Facebook, iTunes, You Tube, Google, Yahoo, and Netflix. When you have HBO and Showtime, you can watch high quality shows without commercials and on multiple devices. With the right set up, you can even view the internet on your television, or make a phone call on the internet. In terms of data communication and entertainment, there really isn't anything you can't do. So is $2000 per year really a bad deal to have your entire life On Demand?
So, the next time you think you've found the perfect gift for the perfect price, remember that the best deals out there are already sitting in your house.
The question that we really have to ask is not how much we've saved, but what we've truly gotten for our money. Because more often that not, we are overpaying. Not in a monetary sense. We're overpaying based on what these items are truly worth to us.
Take a smart phone for instance. The physical device usually costs about $200 bucks minimum. Then, you have to pay for the monthly data plan. So for just year one, you've dropped almost a thousand dollars to mostly text your friends, look at pictures on Facebook and Instagram, and oh yeah, occasionally make a phone call. Before long, the next exciting new phone is released which you have to have, and the process starts all over again.
So before you drop a bundle on what you think gives you back everything that you put in, consider that there are actually several other gifts you can buy or upgrade this holiday season that will hold its value much longer than most.
For instance, furniture. On the surface, this is one of the most expensive categories you can delve into. Or is it? If you want to furnish an entire room with couches, chairs, ottomans, coffee tables, and more, it's possible to drop several thousand dollars before you can blink. That sounds expensive. And it is. That's why furniture retailers are always touting interest free financing for a year. It softens the blow. But the truth is that most of your recently bought furniture could easily sit in your living room or den for at least a decade, turning your investment into just $1000 per year or under $100 per month. Under $100 so you can entertain, showcase a room, watch your big screen tv, have family game night and more. Let's see a Droid do that.
Another amazing deal that never seems that way at the time is music. A song on iTunes costs $1.29. Some of us are pissed because many of these songs used to be just .99 cents. The nerve of Apple! But in reality, we drop a little under the cost of a Metro Card swipe, and we get something we really like....forever. That's right. You can use it as many times as you like and it never gets old. Not only that, but thanks to the Cloud and multiple mobile devices, you can take this song just about anywhere. How many times do you think you play a typical song over your lifetime? A few hundred? A thousand? If you amortized this and really did the math, Apple would owe you money.
Now that we're headed into the winter, a lot of us will wear a wide selection of coats and jackets. You need one for the football game, and another for skiing. An over coat for work, but a casual wool coat for the weekend. So, when you look in your closet, you realize that you've had many of these items for years. Many of them may have cost between $500 and $2000, and you cringed at the cash register. But if you think about how many days you've worn them, it may turn out to be just $1 a day. You'll have to periodically buy a new one here and there, but don't hesitate. It's the best deal in your closet.
At the start of the new year, several of us will join new health clubs to coincide with a resolution we'll never keep. Gyms are getting fancier than ever with spa-like locker rooms and lap pools. After the tour, they break the news that you have to pay a membership fee and then close to $100 per month or $1200 per year. While at the gym, you'll use treadmills, bikes, and ellipticals. You may use the pool. You'll work on nautilus machines and lift free weights. If you had all this equipment in your house, it would probably be over $15,000. Some of the machines would eventually break, and you'd be responsible for fixing it. At the gym, you just move to a different machine. When you calculate the added health benefit of the exercise, there may be no better deal in the world.
The last very valuable item that consumers consistently bitch about is the cost of their phone/internet/cable package. Everyone moans about the monthly cost and switches their provider every one or two years to get the best deal. In the end, they settle around $150 per month or about $2,000 per year. For this price, you can stay on the phone for an unlimited amount of time with anyone in the country. You can access the internet with lightning speed which in turn gives you access to Facebook, iTunes, You Tube, Google, Yahoo, and Netflix. When you have HBO and Showtime, you can watch high quality shows without commercials and on multiple devices. With the right set up, you can even view the internet on your television, or make a phone call on the internet. In terms of data communication and entertainment, there really isn't anything you can't do. So is $2000 per year really a bad deal to have your entire life On Demand?
So, the next time you think you've found the perfect gift for the perfect price, remember that the best deals out there are already sitting in your house.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Knocked Hockey
For most people, Thanksgiving is defined by the the 3 F's:
Family, Food, and Football
As for me, I've always focused on the first two. Because unlike the rest of the free world, I'm just not that into football. In some houses, this belief system would force me into a time-out in the corner, or be relegated to the kitchen and speak to some of the ladies about Rachael Ray, or some reality show on the Food Network. So be it.
I looked forward to Thanksgiving so I could watch hockey. That's right. A Canadian sport. And yes, from that northern country that celebrates Boxing Day instead of Thanksgiving. I'd rather watch two players throw their helmets and gloves off and duke it out rather than watch a guy pummel a helpless player catching a pass in mid-field. Hey, we all have our preferences.
But now, yet again, I will be without hockey on Thanksgiving. For this, I can give thanks to yet another NHL lockout; the second in just eight years. My fear is that this one is going to last well beyond Thanksgiving. I don't think I'll even see a puck drop by Christmas. Therefore, I must prepare for the worst and find different activities that replace the adrenaline rush I used to get from watching these toothless warriors skate around.
The first thing I need to solve is replacing violence in a skating arena. For that, I'm going to You Tube to watch the footage of the Nancy Kerrigan and Tanya Harding incident. Boy, I would love to have seen those two duke it out on the ice. My money's on Tanya.
I've always had an affinity for the goalies in hockey, and you just don't get a chance to see them every day. So, I think I'll download all the Halloween movies so I can see Jason in a classic Ken Dryden mask. I'm going to turn the volume down because he seems much less scary when you can't hear that foreboding music that just says, "look out behind you!"
It's hard to find a reason for people to use a hockey stick beyond, well, hockey. But I have a few ideas to put mine to good use. The first thing is to replace my broom. Brooms get dirty very quickly and cleaning them is even messier. (or should I say Messier?) Using a hockey stick to sweep dirt into a dustpan is much cooler and can make for great exercise. Cleaning up glass is a little trickier, but glass looks a lot like ice giving the process a more authentic feel.
I'm also going to replace my snow brush and ice pick. There's nothing sexy about taking snow and ice off your car. But there will be now, as you stick handle your way down the hood, across the windshields, and against the side mirrors. If you do this while wearing a hockey jersey, you can expect to find yourself on You Tube pretty quickly. And probably with a lot of views.
In keeping with the snow theme, I'm also going to rent my own Zamboni. After all, what are they using them for these days? I'll keep it in my garage, and on those really icy days, I'll use it on the driveway. This will help level out the chips, and I'll be able to create my very own rink. Just think how happy the kids are going to be when they can go ice skating without ever leaving the house.
Referees are people I'm definitely going to miss. There's just something about how those black and white stripes really stand out. As a replacement, I'll tune in to a few hours of Animal Planet and watch the Zebras. The lions in pursuit of their prey can play the role of the fired up coaches that argue the calls made by the zebra refs.
The hardest iconic hockey piece to replace is by far the face-off. It's one of the greatest battles in sports. Mano-a-mano, you stare up at your opponent and give them that nasty stare down. There can only be one winner, and you both dig in your heels and fight to the death for victory. Where else am I going to find that kind of intensity with such great frequency? Oh yeah. I still have my ex-wife.
In the end, I guess there just isn't a cure-all for a hockey lock-out. So today, I will dutifully watch football and secretly dream of grabbing a few turkey legs for sticks and a wish bone for a puck.
Game on.
Family, Food, and Football
As for me, I've always focused on the first two. Because unlike the rest of the free world, I'm just not that into football. In some houses, this belief system would force me into a time-out in the corner, or be relegated to the kitchen and speak to some of the ladies about Rachael Ray, or some reality show on the Food Network. So be it.
I looked forward to Thanksgiving so I could watch hockey. That's right. A Canadian sport. And yes, from that northern country that celebrates Boxing Day instead of Thanksgiving. I'd rather watch two players throw their helmets and gloves off and duke it out rather than watch a guy pummel a helpless player catching a pass in mid-field. Hey, we all have our preferences.
But now, yet again, I will be without hockey on Thanksgiving. For this, I can give thanks to yet another NHL lockout; the second in just eight years. My fear is that this one is going to last well beyond Thanksgiving. I don't think I'll even see a puck drop by Christmas. Therefore, I must prepare for the worst and find different activities that replace the adrenaline rush I used to get from watching these toothless warriors skate around.
The first thing I need to solve is replacing violence in a skating arena. For that, I'm going to You Tube to watch the footage of the Nancy Kerrigan and Tanya Harding incident. Boy, I would love to have seen those two duke it out on the ice. My money's on Tanya.
I've always had an affinity for the goalies in hockey, and you just don't get a chance to see them every day. So, I think I'll download all the Halloween movies so I can see Jason in a classic Ken Dryden mask. I'm going to turn the volume down because he seems much less scary when you can't hear that foreboding music that just says, "look out behind you!"
It's hard to find a reason for people to use a hockey stick beyond, well, hockey. But I have a few ideas to put mine to good use. The first thing is to replace my broom. Brooms get dirty very quickly and cleaning them is even messier. (or should I say Messier?) Using a hockey stick to sweep dirt into a dustpan is much cooler and can make for great exercise. Cleaning up glass is a little trickier, but glass looks a lot like ice giving the process a more authentic feel.
I'm also going to replace my snow brush and ice pick. There's nothing sexy about taking snow and ice off your car. But there will be now, as you stick handle your way down the hood, across the windshields, and against the side mirrors. If you do this while wearing a hockey jersey, you can expect to find yourself on You Tube pretty quickly. And probably with a lot of views.
In keeping with the snow theme, I'm also going to rent my own Zamboni. After all, what are they using them for these days? I'll keep it in my garage, and on those really icy days, I'll use it on the driveway. This will help level out the chips, and I'll be able to create my very own rink. Just think how happy the kids are going to be when they can go ice skating without ever leaving the house.
Referees are people I'm definitely going to miss. There's just something about how those black and white stripes really stand out. As a replacement, I'll tune in to a few hours of Animal Planet and watch the Zebras. The lions in pursuit of their prey can play the role of the fired up coaches that argue the calls made by the zebra refs.
The hardest iconic hockey piece to replace is by far the face-off. It's one of the greatest battles in sports. Mano-a-mano, you stare up at your opponent and give them that nasty stare down. There can only be one winner, and you both dig in your heels and fight to the death for victory. Where else am I going to find that kind of intensity with such great frequency? Oh yeah. I still have my ex-wife.
In the end, I guess there just isn't a cure-all for a hockey lock-out. So today, I will dutifully watch football and secretly dream of grabbing a few turkey legs for sticks and a wish bone for a puck.
Game on.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Say Yes To More Reality Mess
Every time my kids have a territorial advantage on the remote control, I'm forced to watch some reality show. Lately, the brain numbing program of choice has been "Say Yes to the Dress." Now, I don't need to go into great detail as to why this doesn't appeal to me. And it's compounded by the fact that I haven't seen a puck hit the ice in over two months.
Nonetheless, I'm forced to watch women of all shapes, sizes, and tattoos argue with everyone from salespeople, bridesmaids, and their mothers about which dress to select for an occasion that will last about 5 hours.
Suffice it to say that I couldn't "Care Less about the Dress." But my kids certainly do. My older daughter gets caught up in all the nuances of the family drama, while my youngest says, "I just like seeing all the different dresses.'' So, after several airings of this garbage, I thought, if you can't beat them...join them.
I started thinking about some spinoffs that would be much more interesting. As the next step after the wedding could be the decision to start a family, wouldn't it be great to see young couples bickering over whether or not have a kid?
"What do you mean we don't have the money?!!"
"I haven't even seen Italy yet!"
"I don't know how to change a diaper"
"Your mother's really been a pain in the ass"
And the name of our new hit show......."Say Maybe To The Baby." I smell a hit. There's just nothing better than a couple fighting vehemently about the biological clock. So this show runs its course, and eventually someone caves and they have the baby. They have to quickly move on to the next phase which involves certain traditions you plan for after bringing a little one into the world. Which brings us to our second spin-off called...
"Say Diss to the Bris." Let's face it. There are lot of people out there who have weak stomachs. Most of us could think of a laundry list of things they would rather be doing instead of witnessing a circumcision. And for some, just the word mohel, gives some people the shakes. So the prospect of filming people's reactions to a bris has great comic potential.
After the birth of a child, the in-laws usually spend a lot more time with the happy couple, usually rendering them, well, unhappy. Inevitably, flaws come to the surface like dead fish, and the grandparents become very critical of their sons and daughters in law. This dynamic would spawn two companion shows from different perspectives. "Can't Decide on the Bride" and "There's No Room For The Groom" will run back to back on Tuesday nights for an hour of reality bliss.
The next big step in the lifecycle is deciding where to buy a house for the growing family. Once again, this can cause great drama that's certain to provide strong ratings in the key demos. This is where couples first become exposed to one of the world's great menaces: The Real Estate Broker. Here, you can sit back and try to spot a series of lies about the neighborhood and its educational system. Therefore, "Losing Patience with Your Agent" is something we've all experienced and destined to be a crowd pleaser.
Completing the circle, about 7 years into our continuing franchise, we find many of our couples under the strain of finances, soccer games, individual smothering, infidelity, and more. This fiery period will draw us in to a world where the marriage eventually becomes unhinged, making "Get This Louse Out Of My House" an instant classic.
The beauty is that a majority of these couples will eventually get remarried, and when they do, we can watch them return on "Say Yes To The Dress."
Life really is its own reality show.
Nonetheless, I'm forced to watch women of all shapes, sizes, and tattoos argue with everyone from salespeople, bridesmaids, and their mothers about which dress to select for an occasion that will last about 5 hours.
Suffice it to say that I couldn't "Care Less about the Dress." But my kids certainly do. My older daughter gets caught up in all the nuances of the family drama, while my youngest says, "I just like seeing all the different dresses.'' So, after several airings of this garbage, I thought, if you can't beat them...join them.
I started thinking about some spinoffs that would be much more interesting. As the next step after the wedding could be the decision to start a family, wouldn't it be great to see young couples bickering over whether or not have a kid?
"What do you mean we don't have the money?!!"
"I haven't even seen Italy yet!"
"I don't know how to change a diaper"
"Your mother's really been a pain in the ass"
And the name of our new hit show......."Say Maybe To The Baby." I smell a hit. There's just nothing better than a couple fighting vehemently about the biological clock. So this show runs its course, and eventually someone caves and they have the baby. They have to quickly move on to the next phase which involves certain traditions you plan for after bringing a little one into the world. Which brings us to our second spin-off called...
"Say Diss to the Bris." Let's face it. There are lot of people out there who have weak stomachs. Most of us could think of a laundry list of things they would rather be doing instead of witnessing a circumcision. And for some, just the word mohel, gives some people the shakes. So the prospect of filming people's reactions to a bris has great comic potential.
After the birth of a child, the in-laws usually spend a lot more time with the happy couple, usually rendering them, well, unhappy. Inevitably, flaws come to the surface like dead fish, and the grandparents become very critical of their sons and daughters in law. This dynamic would spawn two companion shows from different perspectives. "Can't Decide on the Bride" and "There's No Room For The Groom" will run back to back on Tuesday nights for an hour of reality bliss.
The next big step in the lifecycle is deciding where to buy a house for the growing family. Once again, this can cause great drama that's certain to provide strong ratings in the key demos. This is where couples first become exposed to one of the world's great menaces: The Real Estate Broker. Here, you can sit back and try to spot a series of lies about the neighborhood and its educational system. Therefore, "Losing Patience with Your Agent" is something we've all experienced and destined to be a crowd pleaser.
Completing the circle, about 7 years into our continuing franchise, we find many of our couples under the strain of finances, soccer games, individual smothering, infidelity, and more. This fiery period will draw us in to a world where the marriage eventually becomes unhinged, making "Get This Louse Out Of My House" an instant classic.
The beauty is that a majority of these couples will eventually get remarried, and when they do, we can watch them return on "Say Yes To The Dress."
Life really is its own reality show.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Sandy vs 9/11
In this corner, weighing 3 million pounds, emanating from various areas of the Middle East.....it's Niiinneeee Eeeeeleeeveeen! And in the opposite corner, weighing in at a similar 3 million pounds...from the intersection of the U.S. and Canada...Huuriiicaaaane Saaannnddyyy!
It would be quite a boxing match if it ever occurred in some parallel universe, but no matter. An actual battle has been playing out in broadcast media, social media, and even in that antiquated medium called print. The comparisons are being made at many different levels, led predominantly by politicians, and for the purposes of federal reimbursement and decisions about safety.
First, it seems pointless to compare these events on any level. One was a calculated, diabolically planned terrorist attack that developed over many years. The other was a natural occurrence without any natural enemies that took just a few weeks to develop. But don't get me wrong. The damage inflicted was equally devastating and they cut deep into our collective psyches. However, to be fair, it's worth exploring the notable similarities and differences.
Hurricane Sandy and 9/11 shut down the U.S stock market. They closed public transportation, many businesses, and schools. They made it difficult for people to focus on anything else but the immediate matters at hand, and it exposed a breach in our security. Communication was virtually shut down, and it became difficult to alert your friends and family about your whereabouts. These events even forced our political leaders to rise to the occasion and many raised their profiles and approval ratings.
They also brought us closer together. We began to talk to people that we'd usually ignore. Race and religion no longer mattered. We were all Americans. Americans challenged to get their lives back together. It also made us take a second look at what we had. If your family was still in tact, you were grateful. If your house was still intact, you were grateful. So it made us take pause; something that we rarely schedule into our weekly calendars.
But that's where the comparisons end.
When the towers fell, more people perished. It was over 3000. With the hurricane, the number stood near 43. (Please note that these numbers are only for the basis of comparison, as just a single death is too many.) 9/11 essentially turned off lower Manhattan, and specifically those areas near Wall Street. Hurricane Sandy shut down power for over 50 percent of the tri-State area, many of whom are still without it.
The terrorist attack shook us at our foundations, including friends, families, and co-workers. Hurricane Sandy shook the foundations of houses, businesses, boardwalks, sending many into the ocean or just into a state of massive dilapidation. After 9/11, most of us had places to return to, either home or business. In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, some people don't know where to go.
9/11 was a massive violation. Hurricane Sandy was a massive Armageddon. Right now, people haven't had their power for a full week. Gas is scarce, and the working pumps have 2 hour lines. I have co-workers that lost their homes and friends spending several days in other peoples homes just for heat and hot water. Some of these may even be out of state.
And yet, we still have people trying to link these two events. The New York City Marathon was a great example. The initial thought was if we ran the race after 9/11, we shouldn't have a problem running it now. We all know how that turned out. It also seemed like the Red Cross naturally gravitated to downtown Manhattan again, because the power was shut down there, and after all, that's where they went last time. Meanwhile, the people on Staten Island and in Queens that really needed the immediate help, had to wait longer. It was even rumored that before the cancellation of the NYC Marathon, Mayor Bloomberg called former Mayor Rudy Giuliani to ask for advice. Are you kidding?
I think it's time we stop connecting these two events and let them stand on their own. They are different, and so are our feelings towards them. Instead, let's focus our efforts through all means possible, getting assistance to the people who really need it.
Help someone get gas for his generator. Bring food and water to an area without it. Offer your homes to friends and neighbors without power. And most importantly, keep people informed.
9/11 and Hurricane Sandy are in similar weight classes - they're both heavyweights. But that's where the comparisons end.
It would be quite a boxing match if it ever occurred in some parallel universe, but no matter. An actual battle has been playing out in broadcast media, social media, and even in that antiquated medium called print. The comparisons are being made at many different levels, led predominantly by politicians, and for the purposes of federal reimbursement and decisions about safety.
First, it seems pointless to compare these events on any level. One was a calculated, diabolically planned terrorist attack that developed over many years. The other was a natural occurrence without any natural enemies that took just a few weeks to develop. But don't get me wrong. The damage inflicted was equally devastating and they cut deep into our collective psyches. However, to be fair, it's worth exploring the notable similarities and differences.
Hurricane Sandy and 9/11 shut down the U.S stock market. They closed public transportation, many businesses, and schools. They made it difficult for people to focus on anything else but the immediate matters at hand, and it exposed a breach in our security. Communication was virtually shut down, and it became difficult to alert your friends and family about your whereabouts. These events even forced our political leaders to rise to the occasion and many raised their profiles and approval ratings.
They also brought us closer together. We began to talk to people that we'd usually ignore. Race and religion no longer mattered. We were all Americans. Americans challenged to get their lives back together. It also made us take a second look at what we had. If your family was still in tact, you were grateful. If your house was still intact, you were grateful. So it made us take pause; something that we rarely schedule into our weekly calendars.
But that's where the comparisons end.
When the towers fell, more people perished. It was over 3000. With the hurricane, the number stood near 43. (Please note that these numbers are only for the basis of comparison, as just a single death is too many.) 9/11 essentially turned off lower Manhattan, and specifically those areas near Wall Street. Hurricane Sandy shut down power for over 50 percent of the tri-State area, many of whom are still without it.
The terrorist attack shook us at our foundations, including friends, families, and co-workers. Hurricane Sandy shook the foundations of houses, businesses, boardwalks, sending many into the ocean or just into a state of massive dilapidation. After 9/11, most of us had places to return to, either home or business. In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, some people don't know where to go.
9/11 was a massive violation. Hurricane Sandy was a massive Armageddon. Right now, people haven't had their power for a full week. Gas is scarce, and the working pumps have 2 hour lines. I have co-workers that lost their homes and friends spending several days in other peoples homes just for heat and hot water. Some of these may even be out of state.
And yet, we still have people trying to link these two events. The New York City Marathon was a great example. The initial thought was if we ran the race after 9/11, we shouldn't have a problem running it now. We all know how that turned out. It also seemed like the Red Cross naturally gravitated to downtown Manhattan again, because the power was shut down there, and after all, that's where they went last time. Meanwhile, the people on Staten Island and in Queens that really needed the immediate help, had to wait longer. It was even rumored that before the cancellation of the NYC Marathon, Mayor Bloomberg called former Mayor Rudy Giuliani to ask for advice. Are you kidding?
I think it's time we stop connecting these two events and let them stand on their own. They are different, and so are our feelings towards them. Instead, let's focus our efforts through all means possible, getting assistance to the people who really need it.
Help someone get gas for his generator. Bring food and water to an area without it. Offer your homes to friends and neighbors without power. And most importantly, keep people informed.
9/11 and Hurricane Sandy are in similar weight classes - they're both heavyweights. But that's where the comparisons end.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
What Can You Live Without?
This storm of all storms, ironically, named after my ex-Mother-in-Law, has caused a whirlwind of introspection. Beyond the obvious of forcing many of us to take a step backwards and analyze what's truly important in our lives, it's also caused us all to take a genuine look at what we can truly live without.
Just for starters, power isn't one of them. I never realized how much I loved power until I walked around in the dark holding a flashlight while looking for candles. Not having hot water made cold showers seem like water torture, and I didn't think I fell in love with wi-fi, but when it returns, I think I'm going to marry it.
However, in those hours of sitting in the dark and reading by iPad light I came to realize what I really didn't find essential.
Television
It's a shame to admit this, especially because I work in the business. However, didn't miss it. Baseball is over, hockey is in the middle of yet another lock out, and with the exception of just a few shows I like, the rest can be tossed off a cliff. I couldn't care less about what's happening with The New Girl, Gossip Girl, or Girls. I wouldn't miss the endless shows about vampires and zombies. For that matter, you can also strike any show with an alcoholic cop or a lawyer that bends the rules.
Ice Cream
I'm one of those who don't need a warm day to crave ice cream or frozen yogurt. Either way, when the power goes out, you're left with nothing more than defrosted sugar soup. One look at that mess and I realized that a cookie would be just fine. And much drier.
Newspaper
With an eye on full disclosure, I must admit that I did manage to get 4G service throughout the storm. Simulataneously, I missed delivery of all of my highly coveted Wall Street Journals during a similar period of time. And although I still enjoy reading a newspaper, I managed to receive all the pertient information regarding power outages, sports, business news, and more simply by perusing different news oriented websites on my iPad. It's a sad day when I can forsee a time when the printing press becomes a relic like the typewriter, but the end is near.
Mircrowave
By the time I arrive home from work, the last thing on my mind is to pretend that I'm a contestant on a Food Network show. So, I take what I have in the fridge and nuke it. I'm not proud of it. I know that these microwaves can't be good for me or frankly, for the food. But I eat it any way. Having a few days without it, forced me to improvise and get by with the stovetop. And not only does it give you a break, it also gives you more options.
Lights
This one is a little more radical. But follow it through. For half the day, you can live with natural light. By the time you're back at night, it's only a few more hours before you hit the pillow. Now think of every device that you use - cell phone, computer, laptop, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and television. Each one has a screen that lights up. With the exception of finding the toiliet, you could literarally do seveal different activities in the house with only the light from your electronics.
Those are my top 5. And as this blackout continues, I may encounter a few more for the list.
What can you live without?
Just for starters, power isn't one of them. I never realized how much I loved power until I walked around in the dark holding a flashlight while looking for candles. Not having hot water made cold showers seem like water torture, and I didn't think I fell in love with wi-fi, but when it returns, I think I'm going to marry it.
However, in those hours of sitting in the dark and reading by iPad light I came to realize what I really didn't find essential.
Television
It's a shame to admit this, especially because I work in the business. However, didn't miss it. Baseball is over, hockey is in the middle of yet another lock out, and with the exception of just a few shows I like, the rest can be tossed off a cliff. I couldn't care less about what's happening with The New Girl, Gossip Girl, or Girls. I wouldn't miss the endless shows about vampires and zombies. For that matter, you can also strike any show with an alcoholic cop or a lawyer that bends the rules.
Ice Cream
I'm one of those who don't need a warm day to crave ice cream or frozen yogurt. Either way, when the power goes out, you're left with nothing more than defrosted sugar soup. One look at that mess and I realized that a cookie would be just fine. And much drier.
Newspaper
With an eye on full disclosure, I must admit that I did manage to get 4G service throughout the storm. Simulataneously, I missed delivery of all of my highly coveted Wall Street Journals during a similar period of time. And although I still enjoy reading a newspaper, I managed to receive all the pertient information regarding power outages, sports, business news, and more simply by perusing different news oriented websites on my iPad. It's a sad day when I can forsee a time when the printing press becomes a relic like the typewriter, but the end is near.
Mircrowave
By the time I arrive home from work, the last thing on my mind is to pretend that I'm a contestant on a Food Network show. So, I take what I have in the fridge and nuke it. I'm not proud of it. I know that these microwaves can't be good for me or frankly, for the food. But I eat it any way. Having a few days without it, forced me to improvise and get by with the stovetop. And not only does it give you a break, it also gives you more options.
Lights
This one is a little more radical. But follow it through. For half the day, you can live with natural light. By the time you're back at night, it's only a few more hours before you hit the pillow. Now think of every device that you use - cell phone, computer, laptop, iPad, Kindle, Nook, and television. Each one has a screen that lights up. With the exception of finding the toiliet, you could literarally do seveal different activities in the house with only the light from your electronics.
Those are my top 5. And as this blackout continues, I may encounter a few more for the list.
What can you live without?
Monday, October 29, 2012
Whistle While You Work
I don't know if you've noticed, but lately, there's a whole lot of whistling going on. Not the kind that's ripping outside your window right now. I'm speaking of the traditional kind. Now this isn't exactly a negative. Whistling has always been thought of as activity you engage in when you're relaxed, and most of the time when you're happy.
And because whistling is also known as the "poor man's singing," it's had a tendency to also show up in many popular songs over the years. One of the best, of course, is Otis Redding's "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay" which used whistling just as much for imagery as it did for the tune itself. Many years later, Bobby Mcpherrin soared to popularity in the late 80's with the reggae inspired laid back hit, "Don't Worry, Be Happy," which held a steady, I don't give a sh$t whistle throughout.
Now there's another song that I've been hearing far too often by a group named, Flo Rida, simply called "Whistle." It pounds in my head at the gym, at the pharmacy, in a few elevators, and most notably on my kids' iPad. When I first heard this song in a public place, I had no idea there was whistling in the song. I thought the guy on line behind me was whistling to it. Which just goes to show you that when it comes to whistling, you really can't tell the difference between professional and amateur.
But don't think for a second that it ends with music. It's now moved into advertising. Especially on the radio. 1-800-GOT-JUNK's ad has two men offering to clean up your mess, and all along do it while whistling. The new Honda Accord commercial is a conversation between husband and wife arguing about whether the husband should have spent so much money for extras like Bluetooth, Pandora, and a back up camera. We eventually find out that all these features are standard. All along, we hear someone whistling in the background. Toyota quickly followed suit with it's own ad reminding drivers to bring their vehicles in for regular maintenance, also with a narrator and a whistler.
So just what's going on here? Are these ad agencies trying to save money on musicians? Does buying the rights to a popular rock song no longer fit into the media plan? There aren't even any background singers anymore. Just whistlers. I'm sure they come cheaper.
When it comes to the popular history of whistling, the country's first mass introduction was the theme of "The Andy Griffith Show." That video of Andy walking a country road with little Ron Howard, both carrying fishing poles just epitomized the laid back lifestyle of that sleepy Mayberry town in North Carolina.
And if you want to travel back even further, long before there was Facebook, some of you may have seen Bing Crosby whistle to White Christmas. I don't think you saw it live, but hey, isn't that what You Tube is for?
The one conclusion that can be drawn about the whistle is that somehow it reflects a feeling of a more peaceful time gone by. It conjures a father-son activity like fishing, a family holiday like Christmas, or a casual, carefree attitude of a life driven by a lack of worry. Why wouldn't musicians and advertisers take advantage of using it?
Maybe you should too. It may just get you through a hurricane.
And because whistling is also known as the "poor man's singing," it's had a tendency to also show up in many popular songs over the years. One of the best, of course, is Otis Redding's "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay" which used whistling just as much for imagery as it did for the tune itself. Many years later, Bobby Mcpherrin soared to popularity in the late 80's with the reggae inspired laid back hit, "Don't Worry, Be Happy," which held a steady, I don't give a sh$t whistle throughout.
Now there's another song that I've been hearing far too often by a group named, Flo Rida, simply called "Whistle." It pounds in my head at the gym, at the pharmacy, in a few elevators, and most notably on my kids' iPad. When I first heard this song in a public place, I had no idea there was whistling in the song. I thought the guy on line behind me was whistling to it. Which just goes to show you that when it comes to whistling, you really can't tell the difference between professional and amateur.
But don't think for a second that it ends with music. It's now moved into advertising. Especially on the radio. 1-800-GOT-JUNK's ad has two men offering to clean up your mess, and all along do it while whistling. The new Honda Accord commercial is a conversation between husband and wife arguing about whether the husband should have spent so much money for extras like Bluetooth, Pandora, and a back up camera. We eventually find out that all these features are standard. All along, we hear someone whistling in the background. Toyota quickly followed suit with it's own ad reminding drivers to bring their vehicles in for regular maintenance, also with a narrator and a whistler.
So just what's going on here? Are these ad agencies trying to save money on musicians? Does buying the rights to a popular rock song no longer fit into the media plan? There aren't even any background singers anymore. Just whistlers. I'm sure they come cheaper.
When it comes to the popular history of whistling, the country's first mass introduction was the theme of "The Andy Griffith Show." That video of Andy walking a country road with little Ron Howard, both carrying fishing poles just epitomized the laid back lifestyle of that sleepy Mayberry town in North Carolina.
And if you want to travel back even further, long before there was Facebook, some of you may have seen Bing Crosby whistle to White Christmas. I don't think you saw it live, but hey, isn't that what You Tube is for?
The one conclusion that can be drawn about the whistle is that somehow it reflects a feeling of a more peaceful time gone by. It conjures a father-son activity like fishing, a family holiday like Christmas, or a casual, carefree attitude of a life driven by a lack of worry. Why wouldn't musicians and advertisers take advantage of using it?
Maybe you should too. It may just get you through a hurricane.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Mixed Doubles
After watching three Presidential Debates in their entirety, and listening to endless hours of the talking head pundits on both the liberal and coservative networks, I've come to a conclusion.
Our system needs an overhaul. I know I'm not alone here. Many have suggested doing away with the electoral college. Although I'm more of a popular vote fan, I elect to keep it. Others have discussed the need for a true independent party. I'm in favor, but the problem is finding a candidate with the necessary funding to make a legitimate run at the Presidency. Last week, a friend suggested a radical approach where the Commander in Chief be granted a 6-year term. This way, he won't be burdened with the campaign trail after just a short 24 months. I like this idea in concept, but if you truly dislike your President, six years is an enternity to wait for a changing of the guard.
Suffice it to say that no idea is perfect. However, I've come up with a way for us to satisfy our need for the balance of power without extended terms, voter changes, or even an an additional political party. This is something even Elephants and the Donkeys haven't thought of yet.
From now on, our political tickets should play a game of mixed doubles. One from column A and one from column B. You want a fair and balanced system? You got it.
One Repulican and one Democrat on each side. You want someone that can reach across the aisle? How about reaching across the table, because that's how close they'll be. They can share a bagel or a knish. When they work on domestic and foreign policy issues, they won't have to worry about whether it will appeal more to the Senate or the House, or whether it will lean too far to the left or right. Now, these bipartisan doctrines will go in fully vetted while reducing the likelihood of being thrown out.
The debates would be more interesting too. Can you imagine? I'd pit the Democrat against the Democrat and the Republican against the Republican. Just out of the abject fear of agreeing with an adversary in the same party, they would be forced to bring original ideas forward. That's someting politicians aren't accustomed to. Currently, they're trained to repeat the same old mantras of their party. But the same party battling against each other? Now you'd have a horserace.
There was a recent article on Yahoo that uncovered an electroral vote permuatation that showed how Obama and Romney could actually finish with 269 votes each. According to the aformentioned article, Constitutional law states that in the event of a draw, the incumbent President loses to the challenger, however, the current Vice President chooses the new one. So conceivably, Romney and Biden would be in power. It's a crazy thought, but it would make for some great ratings on election night....and beyond.
It could also set a precedent for a new democratic election system that becomes more the norm, and one that we could all live with.
A man can dream, can't he?
Our system needs an overhaul. I know I'm not alone here. Many have suggested doing away with the electoral college. Although I'm more of a popular vote fan, I elect to keep it. Others have discussed the need for a true independent party. I'm in favor, but the problem is finding a candidate with the necessary funding to make a legitimate run at the Presidency. Last week, a friend suggested a radical approach where the Commander in Chief be granted a 6-year term. This way, he won't be burdened with the campaign trail after just a short 24 months. I like this idea in concept, but if you truly dislike your President, six years is an enternity to wait for a changing of the guard.
Suffice it to say that no idea is perfect. However, I've come up with a way for us to satisfy our need for the balance of power without extended terms, voter changes, or even an an additional political party. This is something even Elephants and the Donkeys haven't thought of yet.
From now on, our political tickets should play a game of mixed doubles. One from column A and one from column B. You want a fair and balanced system? You got it.
One Repulican and one Democrat on each side. You want someone that can reach across the aisle? How about reaching across the table, because that's how close they'll be. They can share a bagel or a knish. When they work on domestic and foreign policy issues, they won't have to worry about whether it will appeal more to the Senate or the House, or whether it will lean too far to the left or right. Now, these bipartisan doctrines will go in fully vetted while reducing the likelihood of being thrown out.
The debates would be more interesting too. Can you imagine? I'd pit the Democrat against the Democrat and the Republican against the Republican. Just out of the abject fear of agreeing with an adversary in the same party, they would be forced to bring original ideas forward. That's someting politicians aren't accustomed to. Currently, they're trained to repeat the same old mantras of their party. But the same party battling against each other? Now you'd have a horserace.
There was a recent article on Yahoo that uncovered an electroral vote permuatation that showed how Obama and Romney could actually finish with 269 votes each. According to the aformentioned article, Constitutional law states that in the event of a draw, the incumbent President loses to the challenger, however, the current Vice President chooses the new one. So conceivably, Romney and Biden would be in power. It's a crazy thought, but it would make for some great ratings on election night....and beyond.
It could also set a precedent for a new democratic election system that becomes more the norm, and one that we could all live with.
A man can dream, can't he?
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Dave and Busters, Craps and Blackjack
I've found that one of the easiest ways to entertain the kids is to venture over to Dave and Busters. And that's exactly what I did last weekend at the cavernous Palisades Center Mall in Rockland County.
Fueling up monetarily for the heavenly game room used to require quarters. But that was a different era. Many years later, tokens became in vogue. Now, technology has dictated that the most efficient way to quickly run through your money is by using declining balance swipe cards. This system is ingenious. Instead of visibly counting coins or tokens, you're blind to how much you actually have left, so before long, you're back to buy another card. No surprises here when I report that I easily blew through 4 cards before I could blink.
But I didn't mind. The games were great. They had horse races, dance contests, basketball, soccer, skeeball, and even a version of Fruit Ninja. I almost bought a game card for myself, but will power won over. So, the kids got busy in a hurry, running from station to station, more excited by each one.
This gave me a chance to sit back and watch the dynamic in the room. Hundreds of kids, carrying plastic buckets, and collecting tickets. I took a closer look at the games. There was one that resembled a slot machine. Another "game of chance" involved a ball that spun around endlessly until finally landing on a number that you hopefully pre-selected. In other words, roulette. The horse race game looked like a real race track with individual horses.
After each game, tickets spewed out of a small slot. I never understood the algorithm of how many you actually win, but my kids were tearing them off like paper towels. So, I watched all of this collective ticket collecting, with the volume getting so high that many spilled over the buckets and onto the floor.
It wasn't until they were finished and time to cash in those tickets that I realized that they were nothing more than mere substitutes for casino chips. Holy crap. This is gambling!
I don't remember exactly how old I was when I first became exposed to gambling. Although, I do have some vague recollection of going with my grandfather to pick my uncle up at an OTB. My grandfather used to call him "Uncle Nearly", instead of Larry. When I asked why, he said, "because your uncle always says he "nearly" won. This didn't exactly entice me to gamble.
Many years later, my father took me to Atlantic City where I got my first taste of a real casino. But my exposures to gambling were few and far between, and to this day I rarely go to Vegas or Atlantic City to throw my money away. I stay close to home and do that on iTunes.
But back to Dave and Busters. These bastards have actually set up a casino for children. This isn't my old arcade. This isn't Chucky Cheese either. This is gambling. And it's perfectly legal. More importantly, my kids love it. So this will be hard task to wean them off.
Fortunately, there is one saving grace. The prize counter. It doesn't matter how long you stay at Dave and Busters or how many tickets you accumulate. By the time you get to the prizes, you realize that you've won a sticker and rubber ball. OK, maybe it's not that bad. You may also get a skin tattoo.
Inevitably, you walk away disappointed. A lot like how you feel leaving a casino. Maybe this place does have some redeeming value after all.
Fueling up monetarily for the heavenly game room used to require quarters. But that was a different era. Many years later, tokens became in vogue. Now, technology has dictated that the most efficient way to quickly run through your money is by using declining balance swipe cards. This system is ingenious. Instead of visibly counting coins or tokens, you're blind to how much you actually have left, so before long, you're back to buy another card. No surprises here when I report that I easily blew through 4 cards before I could blink.
But I didn't mind. The games were great. They had horse races, dance contests, basketball, soccer, skeeball, and even a version of Fruit Ninja. I almost bought a game card for myself, but will power won over. So, the kids got busy in a hurry, running from station to station, more excited by each one.
This gave me a chance to sit back and watch the dynamic in the room. Hundreds of kids, carrying plastic buckets, and collecting tickets. I took a closer look at the games. There was one that resembled a slot machine. Another "game of chance" involved a ball that spun around endlessly until finally landing on a number that you hopefully pre-selected. In other words, roulette. The horse race game looked like a real race track with individual horses.
After each game, tickets spewed out of a small slot. I never understood the algorithm of how many you actually win, but my kids were tearing them off like paper towels. So, I watched all of this collective ticket collecting, with the volume getting so high that many spilled over the buckets and onto the floor.
It wasn't until they were finished and time to cash in those tickets that I realized that they were nothing more than mere substitutes for casino chips. Holy crap. This is gambling!
I don't remember exactly how old I was when I first became exposed to gambling. Although, I do have some vague recollection of going with my grandfather to pick my uncle up at an OTB. My grandfather used to call him "Uncle Nearly", instead of Larry. When I asked why, he said, "because your uncle always says he "nearly" won. This didn't exactly entice me to gamble.
Many years later, my father took me to Atlantic City where I got my first taste of a real casino. But my exposures to gambling were few and far between, and to this day I rarely go to Vegas or Atlantic City to throw my money away. I stay close to home and do that on iTunes.
But back to Dave and Busters. These bastards have actually set up a casino for children. This isn't my old arcade. This isn't Chucky Cheese either. This is gambling. And it's perfectly legal. More importantly, my kids love it. So this will be hard task to wean them off.
Fortunately, there is one saving grace. The prize counter. It doesn't matter how long you stay at Dave and Busters or how many tickets you accumulate. By the time you get to the prizes, you realize that you've won a sticker and rubber ball. OK, maybe it's not that bad. You may also get a skin tattoo.
Inevitably, you walk away disappointed. A lot like how you feel leaving a casino. Maybe this place does have some redeeming value after all.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Football Bombs and Nuclear Bombs
Without question, the most incendiary, explosive story of the last few days was the appearance of Ahmadinejad at the UN. His timing was very interesting. First, it occurred less than 2 months before our national election. Thus, supplying fertile ground for both the incumbent President and the Republican challenger to create a sea of relevant sound bites.
The September choice of the Ahmadinejad visit was also ideally timed as his repudiation of Israel became the topic of many discussions in synagogues across the country during the Yom Kippur holiday. And as expected, much of the conversation turned political as many debated the current state of U.S. - Israeli relations.
Needless to say, for all these reasons and more, I expected the media to own this. By media, I refer to all of it. Bloggers, newspapers, websites, TV and radio. It's individual relevance is meaningless compared with its collective tsunami of influence. Did I see a few stories here and there? Absolutely. Did it seem to move us in any actionable way? Not really. And the reason?
The media had a bigger story on its hands. One much larger than the potential for Iranian nuclear bombs. This bomb had to do with football.
That's right. On Monday Night, a pass was thrown into the end zone at the end of a game. Instead of calling an obvious pass interference penalty, the offensive team was awarded a touchdown. Big deal, right? But wait. There's more. There's a current referee dispute in the NFL, so the officiating is being done by replacements....or temps.
OMG.
The NFL is ruining Monday Night Football! We won't stand for it. So the media jumped on this story instead. TV and radio stations that don't specialize in sports made it a lead news story. Newspapers drew caricatures of refs wearing sunglasses and a walking stick to represent blind men. Why? Because no one messes with our football.
Seriously, what's wrong with us? Even when you put politics aside and just consider that a country in the Middle East is building a nuclear weapon, do you think that should trump a football game? Even you don't buy that argument, just do the math. They play football twice a week. Iran is building a nuclear weapon every day. Including weekends.
But we casually pass by it on CNN, then race to another station so we can watch the same replay from Monday's night's game. This time from a different angle, with an analysis from a different commentator.
The fact that our minds move to football before national diplomacy says a lot about how we think. You see, most of the news isn't good. And there's only so much unemployment disappointment, oil price gauging, and stock market swoons we can take. So, we move to something else as a defense mechanism. In this case, football. Fantasy leagues, Sunday parties, and tailgaters swallow up what little time we have left to think about anything else. Pretty soon, the most important thing in our lives, after our families, is football.
I don't know what the future holds in Iran or in the NFL, but I do hope for one thing:
Let's get the real refs back on the field.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Expense Report
Do you ever stop and look at your household expenses? I mean really sit down in front of your online banking statement and stare at what you pay for each month? I'm sure you don't. Because if you did, you'd realize pretty quickly how you and your money became separated on things that you really didn't need.
And I'm not talking about vacations, or grocery shopping, or other basic necessities. I'm talking about the extras. You know the extras.
Some of you are married to TECHNO-HEADS that have to have the latest Apple i-anything, or a 3-D television, the new Wii, or the Audi with the backup camera that also drives for you like a player piano. We all know this type. They have to be the first in their neighborhoods or in their buildings to showcase the latest products. And they must have the fastest internet, the most channels, and the highest bars on their phones. It's harmless, really. Unless of course, you have other bills to pay.
I don't want to stereotype this group, but they have a tendency to be male. So, to be fair, the females gravitate towards another category of wasteful spending. HOME IMPROVEMENT. Are you one of these? For some reason, despite the fact that the house looks good and seemingly has all the necessities, something's just.....missing. They can't put their fingers on it, but it could mean a new couch, a brighter chandelier, new carpeting, expanding over the garage, a new vanity in the bathroom, a mattress, or the seemingly obvious need for a bay window. Therefore, the house is never done. And therefore, you, can never retire.
Now, why stop with the parents? Let's get the kids in on the act. When our kids are really young they don't know the difference between mediocre and great. So, their cribs, clothes, furniture, and toys are really about you, the parents. Somewhere around 6, that all changes. They go to school, and begin to see the difference between Target and Neiman Marcus. And this will typically last until they get their first jobs. Sneakers, clothes, phones, computers need to be uniform with the cool kids, otherwise, they won't "fit in." And what kind of parents would we be if we bought our kids a Nokia phone, New Balance, or a Dell? Shame on us. And more wasteful spending.
Then, I pause and think about what my parents went through. What kind of expenses did they have? First, we didn't even have cable right away. I remember how jealous I was of the families that paid for something called Home Box Office and WHT (Wometco Home Theater). Eventually we caved, but it was pennies compared with today. When we wanted to make a phone call, we used a rotary phone or eventually a push button. But nobody had cell phones.
I needed to write papers for school, so I used a typewriter, and then something called a word processor. It took years before getting my first computer. There weren't fancy laptops, or mobile devices. If I wanted to read a book, I'd wait for the paperback, and spend a few bucks. We didn't have Kindles and Nooks where the temptation to read 3 books at once is overwhelming.
If we were short on things to do, we took a drive. Gas wasn't $4 a gallon, so we could go anywhere. We didn't have a Garmin, so we'd just drive, occasionally taking out a paper map or something the AAA called a Trip-tik. Most of these were free.
If I needed information, I'd go the library. I'd sift through old newspaper articles on microfiche, and I was lucky enough to have an encyclopedia, I'd research at home. By the way, that was a one time expense, and not a monthly subscription like high speed internet service.
Needless to say, we all had fewer expenses just one generation ago. This doesn't even take education into account. We all want the best for our kids as early as pre-school. We pay for private schools, tutors, trainers, and anyone who can place our kids in the best position to attend the most prestigious college. You know, the one that costs 50K a year.
So with so many more things to pay for, why do we through so much away? Simple. You're either one of two kinds of people:
1- One that keeps up with the Joneses
2- One that thinks "you only live once"
And that's OK. But just think of where else your money could go, if you just cut back a little. Look at your expense report.
Where's your waste?
And I'm not talking about vacations, or grocery shopping, or other basic necessities. I'm talking about the extras. You know the extras.
Some of you are married to TECHNO-HEADS that have to have the latest Apple i-anything, or a 3-D television, the new Wii, or the Audi with the backup camera that also drives for you like a player piano. We all know this type. They have to be the first in their neighborhoods or in their buildings to showcase the latest products. And they must have the fastest internet, the most channels, and the highest bars on their phones. It's harmless, really. Unless of course, you have other bills to pay.
I don't want to stereotype this group, but they have a tendency to be male. So, to be fair, the females gravitate towards another category of wasteful spending. HOME IMPROVEMENT. Are you one of these? For some reason, despite the fact that the house looks good and seemingly has all the necessities, something's just.....missing. They can't put their fingers on it, but it could mean a new couch, a brighter chandelier, new carpeting, expanding over the garage, a new vanity in the bathroom, a mattress, or the seemingly obvious need for a bay window. Therefore, the house is never done. And therefore, you, can never retire.
Now, why stop with the parents? Let's get the kids in on the act. When our kids are really young they don't know the difference between mediocre and great. So, their cribs, clothes, furniture, and toys are really about you, the parents. Somewhere around 6, that all changes. They go to school, and begin to see the difference between Target and Neiman Marcus. And this will typically last until they get their first jobs. Sneakers, clothes, phones, computers need to be uniform with the cool kids, otherwise, they won't "fit in." And what kind of parents would we be if we bought our kids a Nokia phone, New Balance, or a Dell? Shame on us. And more wasteful spending.
Then, I pause and think about what my parents went through. What kind of expenses did they have? First, we didn't even have cable right away. I remember how jealous I was of the families that paid for something called Home Box Office and WHT (Wometco Home Theater). Eventually we caved, but it was pennies compared with today. When we wanted to make a phone call, we used a rotary phone or eventually a push button. But nobody had cell phones.
I needed to write papers for school, so I used a typewriter, and then something called a word processor. It took years before getting my first computer. There weren't fancy laptops, or mobile devices. If I wanted to read a book, I'd wait for the paperback, and spend a few bucks. We didn't have Kindles and Nooks where the temptation to read 3 books at once is overwhelming.
If we were short on things to do, we took a drive. Gas wasn't $4 a gallon, so we could go anywhere. We didn't have a Garmin, so we'd just drive, occasionally taking out a paper map or something the AAA called a Trip-tik. Most of these were free.
If I needed information, I'd go the library. I'd sift through old newspaper articles on microfiche, and I was lucky enough to have an encyclopedia, I'd research at home. By the way, that was a one time expense, and not a monthly subscription like high speed internet service.
Needless to say, we all had fewer expenses just one generation ago. This doesn't even take education into account. We all want the best for our kids as early as pre-school. We pay for private schools, tutors, trainers, and anyone who can place our kids in the best position to attend the most prestigious college. You know, the one that costs 50K a year.
So with so many more things to pay for, why do we through so much away? Simple. You're either one of two kinds of people:
1- One that keeps up with the Joneses
2- One that thinks "you only live once"
And that's OK. But just think of where else your money could go, if you just cut back a little. Look at your expense report.
Where's your waste?
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Convention Depression
So, now that I've had my fill of both Republican and Democratic conventions, I'm feeling a bit depressed. Not because I'll miss the pundits analyzing the nuances and the cadence in every speech. And not because I considered it to be just good theater.
I'm depressed because I realize that this is the best we've got.
It really doesn't matter what your political affiliation is. You just look up at the 4 principals in the election and you say...."if this was my fantasy baseball team, I'd trade all of them."
For some reason, we don't feel the same way about some former Presidents. They have a certain aura about them. In fact, many were referenced in both conventions. Reagan, Lincoln, JFK, and FDR immediately come to mind. And Clinton's speech made sure you added his name to the list. Sure, they all had their critics when they governed, but somehow we look back favorably on their legacies. Sadly, I just don't feel the same about our two current candidates. I wish I did.
We're only two months away from the election. And everyone's attempting to make up my mind. If Bill Maher, Rachael Maddow, and Sean Hannity aren't enough, I'll get my earful of politics just by logging into Facebook where each of you apparently has your own show with your name atop the marquee. Some of you even have theme music.
But political ideology carries much less weight than you think. Because at the core, at the true epicenter of this election, the elephants and the donkeys don't really matter much. I don't care about trickle down, deficits, or reaching across the aisle. The real issue is this.
The President has a job like everyone else. There's just one difference. It's the toughest job. And the salary isn't even that impressive. In fact, the President of the U.S. may be the quintessential definition of "overworked and underpaid." But, let's keep looking at this as a job.
If the incumbent President was in HR, an accountant, a teacher, a cop, a lawyer, a salesperson, a contractor, or any other job with an annual review, his boss would decide if he makes it another year. The President, unlike many other jobs, actually has a 4 year contract. Not too shabby.
With that said, it's time for a review. And you're the boss. Based on performance, you're not completely satisfied. Although, you do recognize that there's been a lot of hard work. You also acknowledge that this employee took the job during a period that was economically challenging for your organization. Now you have to decide if you want to keep him.
He acknowledges that he isn't completely satisfied either, and that he knows he can do better. He just needs a little more time. In most organizations, if an employee didn't get the results you were looking for in 4 years time, you'd probably show him the door. Presidents are different, so let's keep going.
First, we'd have to see look at those "candidates" interviewing for the position. What if you went through a series of prospects (similar to the primary), until you narrowed it down to one. You looked at his experience, personality, values, and how you think he'd fit into the organization. In the end, you're not sure. You like some things, others you don't.
And that's our current election in a nutshell. One guy needs a little more time, and the other guy may work out, but he just doesn't knock your socks off. It probably happens every day at a variety of different companies, and in many different businesses.
It's just too bad this one involves the Presidency. You're the boss.
How will you choose?
Sunday, August 26, 2012
When It's Positive to be Negative
In light of this country's need for healthcare reform, I think it would be short sighted to stop with just the healthcare itself. While we're tackling these issues and identifying what needs to be changed, it's high time we also consider the medical terminology itself.
For years, we hear doctors use phrases, abbreviations, acronyms and more without stopping to think how ridiculous it all sounds. And, because I've had my share of x-rays, MRIs, and surgeries, I think I'm uniquely qualified to lead the charge.
So, just what qualifies as nonsense in the medical vernacular? Well, for starters, where else in the English language is negative news looked at as a positive?
"John, we received your test results. And it's "negative." "Thank the Lord for that."
Any other part of your life that uses the negative usually means things like: you didn't get the job, your reviews were horrible, someone didn't accept your invitation on Facebook, you failed your weigh-in at Weight Watchers, or your spouse said they have a headache. However, in medicine, "negative" means only one thing. You're a winner.
In the same category lies one of my favorite medical terms: "Unremarkable." This is easily interchanged with negative, when hearing the results of a test. You wait about 3 days to hear back, and the doctor hits you with:
"Well, you were "unremarkable". And you're thrilled. "Did you hear that, Stan, the doctor thought I was unremarkable!" "Actually, I thought you've been unremarkable for the last 15 years."
Who wants to be known as unremarkable? That's what you use to describe a new restaurant, or a bad date. Maybe even a movie. But in the medical community, unremarkable means only good news. They looked at the MRI, and you're clean. Your blood test is fine.
Here's another anomaly. For years we've been told that cholesterol is something to be tested, monitored, controlled, and analyzed. People have begun to memorize their numbers, and are not shy about telling you. "Hi, I'm 210." So why did they ever introduce the theory of "good" cholesterol? (or HDL) Couldn't they have gone with a different name? Don't even call it cholesterol at all. It forms in your liver, so call it something everyone knows like, "chopped liver." People like chopped liver and recognize it as a positive. Er, as a negative as it takes cholesterol away from the heart. Damn. Now I'm confused.
Of course, to get results from any test, you need machines. And many of the common machines have names that don't sound like they were designed for humans. Let's say your doctor orders you a Catscan, or maybe a Petscan. Shouldn't you be checking to see if you mistakenly went to a Vet? "Hey buddy, tell my dog to get a Petscan." And some other tests use language that softens up how difficult they actually are. Like a spinal tap. Simple, right? It sounds like someone's going to give you a light pat on the back. Imagine your surprise when they grab your spinal fluid through a lumbar puncture. Or how about a pap smear? It sounds like something you'd put on a bagel. "Yes, I'll have a cinnamon raisin with a side of pap smear." Guess again.
Sometimes, doctors just get plain lazy. When they've run out different ways to describe the condition, they just take a part of your body and ad the activity which probably caused the injury. My favorite has always been swimmer's ear. Your ear hurts, you were swimming....swimmer's ear! Or how about tennis elbow? What a cop out that is. The latest is reserved for those injured on artificial grass. Turf toe. It doesn't even sound serious. These all sound like petty nuisances, but if you've had any of them, it hurts like hell.
Now, if any of these conditions need surgery, you're in for a long ride. And if for some reason it doesn't work, don't worry. They now have revision surgery. This is great. So you destroy your knee, and you go in so they can fix it. If it doesn't work, they revise it. Whoops, sorry. Do over. Are they nuts? This isn't Simon Says. This is your f'n knee.
Even if you're the picture of health, the medical community has enough for you to constantly test. So don't even think of relaxing. Because thanks to your doctor's job to keep your brain and heart healthy, you'll go on for the rest of your life monitoring very calm items such as your nervous system, and your blood pressure.
Somebody pass the valium.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Giving Me the Boot
After two hip surgeries, including one where it was replaced altogether, I've had my share of medical devices.
The short list includes canes, crutches, claws, sock pull-ups, a commode, and my personal favorite.....the ice machine. Suffice it to say that under any analysis, I feel that I've had enough of these items to last a lifetime.
That's why I couldn't be more disappointed to discover that the nagging softball injury I suffered on artificial turf was not, as I had suspected, a sprained foot. I went through the perfunctory X-ray (inconclusive) and MRI (made much better by the satellite radio station that was pumping through the headphones). But had to wait about 3 days to find out what I had. So, I started rationalizing all the possibilities.
It could be a break, a fracture, a torn tendon, a torn ligament, or the latest trendy injury with the extremely lame moniker, "turf toe." I waited a day for the results, only to find that I had none of these. I did, however, have a torn joint capsule.
What the hell was that? I know that "torn" is never particularly good, and neither is any injury to the joint. It was the "capsule" that was throwing me. Without getting into the rudiments of basic podiatry, this translated into a few key recovery items.
Rest, Immobility......and........THE BOOT. Not Das Boot. The dreaded foot boot.
Now, I have probably seen hundreds, no, maybe thousands of people in these large stabilization boots. And I'm in tune with the necessity for them. In fact, if you have a normal size foot, they almost look...cool.
The problem is, I'm a size 12. For shoes, skates, sandals, and sneakers, there really isn't a terribly noticeable difference from the norm. But put on a therapeutic boot, and you just grabbed a bullhorn, jumped onto a loudspeaker, hired a cheerleading squad,and broadcast in stereo to look down at this deformity.
When I went to the podiatrist to size it, they said that my toes protruded beyond the large size. (Who did they think they were fitting, "Shaq?") Therefore, the only comfortable option was an X-large. To put this into the proper perspective, the difference between the large an X-large was about 2 city blocks.
After I left the doctor, I began to walk down 7th avenue to test my theory. And sure enough, it was true. With a single step, I covered both 54th and 55th streets. When you work in the city, it takes a lot for people to notice you. They've seen everything. But I couldn't help noticing that as I made my approach down the street, people were taking cover like a tsunami was coming.
Back at the office, several co-workers were wondering if I was actually wearing a boot, or a cage you transport animals in. It was a valid question. Later that day, my kids caught sight of it for the first time and became caught between sympathy and hysterics. In case you were wondering, the hysterics won.
So, I'll be stuck with this boot for a full month which invariably will present itself with literally hours of comic relief. First, it will look great with a pinstripe suit. The perfect accessory. It will also be ideal for big client meetings, especially when I stand up. And I do worry about flying. If I check it, it'll be over the weight limit. If I wear it, there is a possibility that it will weigh the plane down. I probably can't get the emergency row either. Maybe I'll take the train.
If you do see me in the next month, please take the proper precautions. Tuck and roll, wear a helmet, and leave at least 5 car lengths between the two of us.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Olympic Basements and Back Yards
When I was a kid, I remember listening to one of my favorite George Carlin routines called, "Sports." For those of you not as familiar, Carlin expertly defines what qualifies as a sport and then deftly proves how a majority of well known sports simply don't make the grade.
One of his rules was that to be an established sport, your game must use a ball. This eliminated hockey from the conversation to which Carlin added, "Hockey is played with a puck. The only other time a puck has been used is in a urinal in the men's room."
Well, that was over 30 years ago, and I think the list needs a refresher. And I can think of no better time than the 2012 Summer Olympics. Just look on any program grid, and some of these games just stick out like a sore thumb. You already know where I stand on beach volleyball. But when you add ping pong and badminton to the repertoire, you begin to see a trend.
These aren't Olympic sports. They're leisure activities you do with family and friends on the weekends. And I think there should be one simple rule for all Olympic sports.
If you can play it in your basement or in your back yard, it's not a sport.
At this pace, it's only a matter of time before air hockey becomes an Olympic sport. Just a hunch, but I think Canada would be considered the favorites. Especially if the players get the urge to grab a stick and play on the table.
But let's play this out a few steps further. What if the Summer Olympics allowed just about anything you can do in a basement or in a back yard? Think of the possibilities!
First, I could see them adding "Barbecuing." The trials alone would make for must-see TV. Just a bunch of fat guys holding a beer and flipping burgers. And I can hear the announcers, "just look at his seasoning technique, not to mention the way he cleans that grill."
Another backyard favorite, and a natural for the Summer, would be "Tag." Wouldn't that be awesome if you were known as one of the best Tag players in the world? Some players would be great "eluders", while others would master being "It."
Next, for those who love the winter slalom, you won't have to wait every 4 years anymore. Now we'll have a fine summer equivalent when we add "Slip and Slide" to the 2016 games. Just imagine those athletes racing down steep hills on their stomachs. It will be sight to behold. Some players will be even be disqualified for falling onto the grass. Oh, the heartbreak.
Of course, no backyard Olympic sport would be complete without adding, "Swings." We would have 2 distinct categories. One for height, and the other for distance. When it comes to distance, athletes would jump off the swing and land in a sand lot. Picture the current long distance jump, but from a swing set. (Extra points of course, for the nicest swing set.)
I would be remiss if I didn't explore the basement as well. Especially because they already allow ping pong. So, the first basement qualifier would be Olympic "Twister." Wouldn't you love to proudly say that you made the All American Twister team? It has nice cache. And I'm sure the uniforms would be very cool.
If you couldn't make the Twister team, there would always be "Monopoly." Each country would be represented by a different token. We'd give the car to the Japanese. England gets the top hat. Italy claims the thimble. The U.S. will don the wheel barrel. However, this would not be our best event. Somewhere along the line, we'd get caught for stealing money.
And finally, no Summer Olympics would be complete without the addition of that game of sweet revenge, "Sorry." Another perfect fit. The colors on the board match many of those in the Olympic rings, so it's a great ambassador of the games. And I couldn't think of any other sport, where just at the moment you move ahead of your opponent, you utter that thoughtful word, "sorry."
No one's sorrier than me that that the London games continue to let just about anyone in.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Cheaters
I read some very disturbing news today. A book I had just finished called, "Imagine" had suddenly found its way back in the news, and for all the wrong reasons. The book dealt with how the human mind thinks creatively, and it's author, Jonah Lehrer, admitted to some pretty egregious improprieties.
He lied. In one chapter he wrote about the craft of how Bob Dylan wrote music and lyrics. In it, he supplied several insightful Dylan quotes. The only problem was, Dylan never said any of them. The author fabricated them to make a few salient points. In essence, he cheated.
Of course, this is far from the first time we've heard about a writer trumping the system. We all remember Jason Blair of the NY Times. In 2003, it was discovered that he ripped off several other writers in his many accounts of the War in Iraq. Once again, he cheated.
This made me think of so many others in unrelated fields who have gone down the same path.
Wall Street immediately comes to mind. Bernie Madoff was just the beginning of the Ponzi scheme era. He was quickly followed by Galleon Group's Roger Rajaratman who was made famous my making billions on inside trading tips. That's right. He couldn't rely on his own ability as a prognosticator, so he stole the news. The current flavor of the day is the head of Peregrine Financial Group who admitted that his client's profits were falsified and was actually quoted as saying:
"I was forced with a difficult decision. Should I go out of business or cheat? So I cheated."
We're all aware that sports isn't immune to cheating. Just ask Barry Bonds and the countless number of baseball players that have been in Jose Canseco's book or those found on an underground watch list for using anabolic steroids or human growth hormones. They couldn't stay young forever, so they needed an edge. And they cheated.
When I was a kid, there was an old adage that I had originally heard from either a teacher or my father that stuck with me throughout my life:
"Winners never cheat, and cheaters never win."
I took that one seriously. Although, its truth and relevance can certainly be called into question. Perhaps it needs a slight edit. "Sometimes winners cheat and don't get caught, and cheaters actually win for a little while." I still remember being in a grade school classroom during tests and watching kids looking over each other's shoulders, or passing their completed exams around. This wasn't for me.
Cheating can even occur in areas thought to police the existence of cheating itself. Like the police. It was only last year that an enormous ticket fixing scandal was broken in NYC where a large number of tickets suddenly disappeared off people's records in exchange for who knows what.
So, what's going on here? Have economic times and fierce competition gotten so intense that people are cheating more than ever. Probably not. It's just that our surveillance systems have gotten much better. The internet has certainly helped in that regard, as nothing posted is ever sacred. So remember that Twitterheads.
The real question to ask is why do people cheat in the first place? Is it greed? The pressure to succeed? I'm not buying it. It's trite to just attribute these actions to simple human nature. So I'm going to throw out my own theory.
Cheating has been around with us for so long, its become part of our fabric. We may not always see it, taste it, or touch it, but we know its there. It's in the air. We don't need maps.
So here's what happens. The cheating actually feeds upon itself.
No matter which industry you're in, there will always be someone cheating. It doesn't make it right for us to do the same. However, it does change our thinking from common decency to having an insatiable need to even the playing field. That's what it's all about.
Some Wall Street firms believe that they can't compete with outsize returns from their competition, so they need to narrow the advantage. Aging athletes need to stay viable. But once a large selection gravitates to steroids, others don't take them to make them superior. They take them to stay even. And if writers know that someone else continues to get those superior writing assignments or book deals because they cut a proverbial corner, well, they must be afforded the same opportunity.
So, the common notion that cheating occurs to get ahead is and has probably been a misnomer for decades. If everyone cheats, everyone stays even.
And sometimes the goal is just survival. It's just a shame what people will resort to just to keep up with the Jonses. What really makes it disturbing is that there's almost no fear of getting caught. But some of them do. They just don' t care. It's almost as if they expect you to understand their modus operandi; their terrible plight.
But the truth is.....we almost never do.
Going for The Gold.....Remote
The Summer Olympics are here, and I have to admit that I've never been a huge fan.
I guess I'm more attracted to the Winter and not just because I have hockey in my veins. There's just something exhilarating about the risk of skiing and bobsledding that's always managed to grab my attention. And I'm still entertained with curling because one - I don't get it - and two -that one guy looks like a very quick handed version of a janitor every time.
Nonetheless, I didn't want to let my seasonal Olympic bias to affect my kids. If they want to watch people twirl on the parallel bars, or swim like dolphins in a swimming pool, well, who am I to interfere?
This past weekend had its share of competition, but not just in London. A fierce battle of wills took place in my living room. For the remote. In fact, it was so good, I started thinking about petitioning for Remote Control jousting as a new Olympic sport.
This particular disagreement had to do with the battle between a previously recorded Olympic event or the unmistakably live Yankees/Red Sox game on Saturday night. In my house, the greatest rivalry in sports usually wins. But on this night, an unexpected battle ensued.
You see, this was the day that my kids discovered something so earth shattering, so inspiring and athletically enthralling, that they wouldn't be denied. You guessed it.
Beach Volleyball.
Was this for real? Turn back to the Yankee game!
"No, Dad. I want to watch this one match."
Were they kidding? Recorded, tape delayed, beach volleyball? First of all, it's 2 on 2. So we're not talking about the ball hitting a series of hands here. It's only 4 people on the court. On the beach. This was an Olympic sport?
My kids couldn't turn away. But I wanted to. The Yankees had just tied the game on a Marc Texiera 2-run blast over the right field wall. This was Yankees-Red Sox. A game with 9 players....on the grass. We watched for a few minutes. And just as the game hit its crescendo......back to beach volleyball.
NBC raised the stakes by mentioning that the American tandem had never lost a match in almost 3 consecutive Olympic appearances. Very impressive. But again, this was 4 people playing on the beach. From my view, it could have been a pick-up game.
I lunged for the remote, but my daughter has become very adept at concealing it by using her body to shield off my approach. Sometimes her sister even sets a pick. Realizing that this was no use, I tried to use logic. I explained the history of the baseball rivalry, but that meant nothing to them. Then I took the live vs recorded earlier route and encouraged them to head to the computer to see who won. Who was I kidding? To them, this DVR, and tape delayed program was just as good as live. And besides, who do you think they wanted to emulate more? A bunch of ballplayers spitting between strikes or women on the beach wearing bathing suits and really funky protective goggles?
In the end, the Americans won. And so did the kids.
Friday, July 27, 2012
A Cure for Baby Names
One of the most complex decisions we've ever had to make was what to name our kids. Let's face it. This is the true definition of pressure. They have to live with it....forever. And if you're born into a last name like Lipshitz, you're already behind the eight ball.
Depending on who you are, a different set of priorities is established. Once you've gotten beyond the idea that you're not simply going to place the word "Jr.' behind your own name, well, the fun really starts.
In the Jewish religion, there's a very uplifting tradition where the child's first initial or perhaps their middle name, mirrors a deceased member of the family. I've always respected the intent of keeping a grandmother's name alive, but this approach will somehow always be associated with some classic horror movie concepts that were probably born out of Linda Blair.
The next hurdle is avoiding any name that already exists in your life whose owner is someone you simply detest. No matter how hard you try, a lifelong imprinted name will always remind you of that kid in 8th grade who gave you a wedgie in the bathroom. With that said, I must also state the painfully obvious. If a name suddenly springs into the vernacular and then becomes possessed by a litany of new offspring, we tend to shy away because it kills our originality.
I remember when my second child was born. I was tired of falling back to the baby naming websites and books that I had become accustomed. So, I suggested looking into a different resource.
Zagat
After all, many restauranteurs named their establishments after women they've loved; girlfriends, wives, mothers. So either way, there was bound to be a few winners in there. Now, I'm not suggesting that I was considering 'Gotham Bar and Grill" or 'Nobu." However, "Oceana" and "Serafina" almost made the cut. Much to the pleasure of my daughter, we didn't go with those options.
Names are important. Many people have suggested that "your name is your destiny." Great, more pressure. But if we humored society for a moment and went with that premise, you could make the argument that your name should come from an established grouping that is clearly defined to be and do only one thing.
Like the pharmaceuticals.
Why not name our children after some of the medication we've been taking throughout our lives?The same medication that our kids will probably be taking throughout their own. I know, a silly idea, but maybe not.
You want to have a kid that will lead a peaceful life? Call him Xanax. If you even manage to get into a heated debate with him, you just say, "calm down, Xanax." If that isn't your cup of tea, you'll still be left with a dearth of other choices.
Want a really strong, manly name? Go with Cialis. Women will just have to hear that name once, and they'll flock. Or how about a really laid back girl? Lunesta. How about a kid that never complains when potty-training? Flomax. It even has the name "max" in there. For those who want kids who are immune to infections? Go with another "max". Zithromax.
But why let the prescription meds have all the fun. The OTC drugs have a place in the child naming process as well. For the girl you never want to find smoking with her friends? Call her Nicorette. They'll eventually shorten it to Nicky. If you call your kid Benadryl, his friends will probably gravitate towards Beny. And on the female side, Claritin will most certainly be adopted into Clare.
And as we've all encountered people that make us sick to our stomachs, wouldn't they be just a bit more palatable if their names relieved the way we react to them. For instance. I would feel so much better if I encountered an a-hole named Prevacid. Maybe I would have gotten along with old co-workers better if they were named Nexium.
These names are unmistakable. We know what they represent and in turn, our expectations are met. So the next time you or someone you know is struggling between 6 overplayed names (3 if it's a girl, and 3 if it's boy), tell them to put the books down and go to CVS.
Then, they can really make some progress.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Bang on the Drum All Day
As a follow up to the my wildly successful posting on the "Greatest Voices in Rock and Roll" (I think 12 people read it), the sequel will cover one of my favorite instruments - the drums. After all, who doesn't love the drummer in a rock and roll band?
There are literally hundreds to choose from, and similar to the previous list, they can be vehemently debated. I'm OK with good old fashioned sparring as long as no one gets hurt.
So, once again, in no particular order.......
CARL PALMER - For some reason, this guy gets overlooked on most lists. Quick hands and impeccable timing, he pounded the snare for both Emerson, Lake and Palmer and Asia. In both occasions, he brought many of the songs to another level. Just listen to Karn Evil 9 or Soul Survivor and you'll see what I mean.
JOHN BONHAM - It's hard to be in Led Zeppelin and not be an expert in your field. Bonham had a lot of great, original Jimmy Page riffs to work with, but no one has ever hit the drums harder. When pundits said that LZ's music came from the gods, it was Bonham that evoked them.
ALAN WHITE - Probably one of the most underrated percussionists of his generation, but his 2 tours of duty with YES showcased his talents in both progressive rock, traditional, and pop rock. The early years in YES called for complex rhythms and he was up to the task.
PHIL COLLINS - Long before he grabbed a microphone, Phil seemed to have 4 sticks in his hand when he played never ending songs in Genesis. His signature style continued throughout his solo work and his distinct sound was simulated, but never duplicated.
NEAL PEART - It's hard to believe Rush is still around, but Neal is a central part of the reason. Some would argue that his arrangements were the most complex in the history of rock, and I tend to agree. He hit on beats that typically remained silent and drove Rush's arena classics into new territory Probably the greatest ever.
ALEX VAN HALEN - He had some pretty cool songs to work with as they were a mix of hard rock and fun rock (is that even a label?). What he was most famous for was hitting the epicenter of the ride cymbal. That distinct sound set him apart from the rest. His best work was done well before Jump.
STEWART COPELAND - The Police didn't play as hard as some of their rock contemporaries. However, like most of Sting's lyrics, the music was very technical. Their reggae rock often kept him between genres, but he was able to master both. His work on the Synchronicity album really showcased his versatility.
ROGER TAYLOR - In Queen, Freddie Mercury received all the attention. But Taylor deserves a fair shake. He had a lead singer with a driving voice and a lead guitarist that practically created a rock opera each night. He sat in the back seat on many occasions, but his skill is second to only a small few, and his beat on "We Will Rock You" will be played in stadiums forever.
TAYLOR HAWKINS - When your lead singer played the drums in an iconic rock band, that's a lot of pressure. No matter. Dave Grohl's writing in the Foo Fighters usually has the drums in mind, so Hawkins needs to be on top of his game. He probably hits the drums more often than anyone in history. Great hand speed.
KEITH MOON - The Who may be the original arena/stadium anthem band. The songs had power and energy, driven by powerful vocals and guitar windmills. Moon kept pace, and rose above many other British Invasion bands of his generation. He's regarded as a major influence on many other members of this list.
GINGER BAKER - He didn't have as long a shelf life with Cream as did other drummers with their bands during his time, but Eric Clapton gave him some classics to work with. And he made them his own. You could make the argument that his style and influence helped shape the eventual sound of the classic rock drummer.
CARTER BEAUFORD - Carter who? Fans know he's in the Dave Matthews Band. And experts know that he's forced to play many different styles, as DMB can do rock, jazz, punk, and more. A very versatile drummer over a long period of time.
Alright, that's it. Hopefully, more than 12 people read this. With a little luck, more than 50% will even care. Gentleman, start your engines and let the debate begin.
A Dark Night at the Dark Knight
I don't know about you, but I've been shaken by the horrific events that took place in Colorado this weekend. To the detriment of us as a society, the "lone gunman" story has become increasingly more commonplace, and now it has incredulously spread to the one true sanctuary of genuine escape in our daily lives. No, not the toilet. The movies.
The irony of the execution is staggering. The crazed shooter opened fire just at the moment that the film showed a blazingly violent gun fight on an airplane. As audiences are now accustomed to 3-D and crystal clear digital Dolby sound, you can only imagine how long it must have taken for the viewers to distinguish between fantasy and reality.
When any terrifying event of this nature occurs, several groups rear their heads in an attempt to restore order.
The media will play their usual game called "Let's find a Motive." But we can all cut to the chase on this. There isn't any. In this world, insanity is a courtroom defense, but not a motive. So the exhaustive search to find some semblance of logic will keep us all inside the mouse trap.
Next, the 2nd amendment pundits will come out of the woodwork, and begin their call for new gun laws. Although a very respectable sentiment, we already know that the NRA has been holding a gun to politicians' heads for decades, so don't expect everyone to switch to BB guns any time soon.
After this, the psychiatrists will emerge, all espousing the fact that if the shooter was their patient, they would have probably seen the signs long before the ammunition was even purchased. It's apparent that a grand total of none of them could have prevented this, but it does make you wonder if they just wait for these assassinations to begin their recruitment campaigns for new clients.
The final group to weigh in, will be law enforcement. I only have the utmost respect for the men and women who choose this line of work to protect us against the harm that lurks in the shadows in every town in the country. But their first chess move is typically misdirected. A perfect example was NYPD Police Commissioner Ray Kelly's decision to place cops at every Batman theater in NYC. It's a great sentiment, I know, but do we really think anyone would try this in Manhattan? The NYPD has built a reputation that most people really don,t want to roll the dice with.
Which brings up another critical point. Over the last decade, these shootings continue to propagate outside the major cities. Just look at most of them post-Columbine. We had a colossal disaster at Virginia Tech. Then there was the military shooter in Fort Hood Texas. Now someone has put Aurora, Co. on the map. Is there a certain sophistication in the major cities in this country where individuals understand that violent movies and video games are mere entertainment and not a How-To guide on how to reek havoc on society? I don't think we'll ever know, but something wicked this way comes in Small Town USA.
So where do we go from here? When this story's flame is extinguished, we'll go back to our lives where business will most likely be as usual. And, we'll allow our experts to do their jobs. The media will continue to debate and inform. Politicians will engage and then deflect any changes to the gun laws. Psychiatrists will try to keep the crazies off the streets through talk therapy, and the cops will do everything short of encroaching on your civil liberties to make sure the public remains as safe as possible.
And despite this bastion created by several key members of our community, in the end, there's only one truth we all know too well.
Sometimes, we're just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Photography Camp
For the first time, both my kids and I are experiencing sleep away camp this summer. My kids because they're actually there, and me because I'm realizing that they're no longer here.
But as many of the more seasoned sleep away parents have informed me, I don't have to miss them at all. This is due to the camps' highly extensive websites. Many, if not all of them, post hundreds of photos several times per day, and some even follow up with at least 2 daily videos.
So, I thought I would give it a try. With a simple password, I was granted access to five full days of over 1000 pictures. Pictures of girls playing volleyball and tennis; boys playing soccer and street hockey. Photos of girls cooking, swimming, and dancing. Snapshots of boys hitting baseballs, smacking a gaga ball, and sitting at campfires.
As I looked through several of these albums in search of my own children, I couldn't help but notice a common theme.
All these kids were posing.
They were posing at the pool, on the tennis courts, in the kitchen, at the computer station, while they were eating, and just about in any other area outside of their bunks.
I just can't imagine going to camp, getting involved in an activity and then being told, "wait...stop right there....and smile." "Could you three move closer together?" "Alright..you the tall one, you get in the middle, and you the little one...come down front."
The last time most of us were actively involved in a really good time, and then suddenly told to stop and pose was probably at our weddings. And if most of you can remember, you didn't like it very much. First it was those pre-game family shots, then the horrific table photos, and in total, hours of what Larry David would probably call, "the Stop and Pose." Thinking back to how annoying that was, I can only imagine what it's like in sleep away camp.
I took a closer look at the sea of digital photography. Wait a minute. I barely see my own kids. What are they not cute enough? Maybe that's one of them in the background on this one....Nope. Are they even at this camp? Did they pull a "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah?" Do they already have an aversion to the Camp paparazzi? My attention was diverted when I looked at the top of the page and saw with just a click of the mouse, you can buy these pictures. Wow. I guess the camp dues just aren't enough to cover expenses.
But more importantly, where are my kids? Then it hit me. Maybe they feel like I do about all these pictures. Perhaps, just the thought of interrupting their cheeseburger with saying "cheese" just isn't their idea of a good time. After all, school is just around the corner. So who wouldn't want to savor every minute of this slice of heaven called "getting away from your parents."
All at once, I was proud of my two non-conformers. But every now and then, it would be nice to see them doing something at his camp other than ducking the cameras.
Maybe they'll show up tomorrow.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Madoff Math
Bernie Madoff has always been good at math. Especially when there was only one number to focus on.
For many years, that number was 10. Ten represented the percent return investors received every 12 months despite the natural vagaries of the stock market. So it didn't matter if the Dow crashed, if the Nasdaq sold off, the bond market plummeted, oil prices skyrocketed, or there were wild swings in international markets.
Investors still made 10%. Simple math.
Bernie Madoff 's number changed dramatically when he finally admitted that it was impossible to achieve the same return to investors every year, and that his Jewish roots were actually part Italian dating back to the Ponzi family.
The courts decided that when it came to sentencing f0r his sociopathic-like crimes, the number 10 was far too small, and something more like 150 made more sense. And with that edict, Bernie Madoff will now live and more likely die with the number 150 stuck in his head, as he's been told that he can leave prison when he's around 220 years old. This, of course, being a number that he's not very likely to see unless he becomes bunk mates with Walt Disney. (that was for you cryogenics fans out there).
And with this final sentencing, it appeared that the legal work related to the Madoff family was primarily done. His sons pretended that they had amnesia and got off with a slap on the wrist. Although, one of them felt that was far too lenient, and decided to kill himself instead. Bernie's wife isn't serving any time either. She simply had to return cars, homes, boats, jewelry, televisions, iPods iPads, and anything else she didn't buy at a flea market.
But the whole time, I was wondering when the government was going to get to perhaps the most pivotal family member of the entire diabolical scheme.
Bernie's brother, Peter.
Peter Madoff had a critical role inside the organization. He was the compliance officer. Simply put, and this is really the comical part, he was responsible for making sure that all of the trades made by his brother were legal.
So, let me emphasize this again. Peter's main role with the company was to guarantee that his brother stayed within the legal guidelines of the SEC before making any investments. And here's the twist. Bernie didn't make any. Essentially, Peter falsified trades that were never made.
And this where the math gets crazy.
Next to Bernie, Peter was the next most pivotal player. He had to make it look like something was happening that really wasn't. The legal definition of this is "magician", but this was the illegal kind. We'll never know if the mastermind behind the business model was Peter himself, but I think it's safe to say that at the very least, he drove the getaway car.
For all crimes related to this scam, it was just announced that Peter will also be going to jail. But his sentence is only for 10 years.
What?!!!
Let me get these numbers straight. The face of the company and probable mastermind of the impropriety gets 150 years in prison. The guy who made sure it was all possible.....10.
150 vs. 10
Does something seem off here? Of course, there is some irony in the fact that Peter receives a number wholly identical to the investor returns he helped falsify for his entire career. Still, this is just plain inexcusable.
In a way, it feels like the Madoffs have scammed us again. I guess if you pay the lawyers enough money, you can make almost anything happen.
There's just such strength in numbers.
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