Humans are strange animals. Aren't they? We're filled with angst and anxiety that we carry around for years. And by the time we realize how unimportant most of it was, we're probably somewhere between incontinence and a respirator.
Our pets have it much better. And to a certain extent, wild animals have it the best.
But why? Their basic requirements are the same as ours. They need to eat, drink, make, bathe, sleep, and have sex. On the surface, it's a mirror image of our species. Not exactly. What separates them from us is that these simplistic needs are ALL they concern themselves with. Nothing else gets in the way.
Our lists are twice as long. And if you're Jewish, they're even longer.
First, animals never have to worry about money. With the exception of the kangaroo and maybe a koala, none of them have pockets. Without pockets, there's just no room for cash or credit cards. So they don't have any financial worries. Their kids never go to college and retirement plans never enter the picture.
Animals also have the unique benefit of never having to focus on clothes. They don't care about Fashion Week, and last year's style means about as little as this year's. If they have fur, they're always wearing a jacket and if they don't, well, they're in their birthday suits. Fortunately, they don't give a damn. They can walk around naked all day, and nobody sends them to their own beach. They never get arrested.
They also can't talk. That means a few important things. They don't spew racial slurs, they don't argue about politics, and they never bad mouth anybody. If you counted the number of times we did these things, you'd quickly realize that if we didn't, we'd never talk at all.
Animals don't have to worry about keeping up with the Jonses. They don't get extra credit for being in a nicer dog house, a spacious place for hibernation, or the perfect spot in a tree. Location, location, location doesn't apply here. Also, nobody drives. If you don't drive, you can't possibly look at cars as a status symbol. Most wouldn't know a Ford from a Lexus, except maybe deer that would freeze a little more in certain zenon headlights.
They never worry about their health. I haven't met one animal yet that's considers hersrlf a hypochondriac. Even if they have a condition that should concern them, they don't pay attention. I've never seen a tiger worry about incontinence. The birds never worry about flu season. Even if it's the bird flu. Does an elephant ever think about cataracts? Does your dog worry about his first colonoscopy? No chance.
Animals' biggest category of superiority has to be....sex. Animals have sex to breed and perpetuate the species. That's it. Not us. We're at a different level. When was the last zebra that worried about erectile dysfunction? Did the Lion King ever ask his date if it was "good for her?" Did a horse ever worry about being thought of as a slut? Not even Equus. Maybe this is why humans who are good in the sack are referred to as "animals."
Animals are at peace. They don't complain to their friends. They don't get medication from their shrinks. They're just survivors. Animals aren't caught up in nonsense. They keep it simple.
A lesson all humans still need to learn.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
The Joy of Text
I'm all for communicating by email. I've even come to tolerate messages sent on Facebook. Skype and Facetime don't seem to bother me either. I don't love Twitter, but I do enjoy some of the "tweets." And I must admit, I still have a nostalgic liking for smoke signals and carrier pigeons.
But I have to draw the line when it comes to our laziest form of communication.
Texting.I
It's not the smiley faces or the LOL's that drive me nuts. It's everything else.
First, any acronym should be expunged immediately. Cute shortcuts like OTL and TTYL are like the Cliffs Notes of the human language. Say what you mean. Sometimes, someone throws one at you that you've never seen before. Then you have to keep guessing until it has some semblance of meaning. At the end, you're exhausted and realize that this episode could have been avoided if one of you would have just picked up the phone.
Next up on the list is the use of the letter "U" and the letter "R". As in the infamous, "How R U?" Geez. How lazy is this crap? Have we gotten to the point where we don't even have time to spell out three letter words? Pretty soon we'll be able to shorten everything and bring back morse code.
And it gets worse.
Some people deem it necessary to confirm plans with a single letter. "K." So let's put this into perspective. Our lives are now moving so fast that we don't even have time to spell out 2-letter words. This decision sits at a level that lies somewhere between ennui and illiteracy. I always wondered what the shortened version of not confirming plans woudl be. "NO K?"
We can't even thank people correctly. Instead, we have to show off our creativity and attempt to express our gratitude in as many different ways as possible. When we thank someone, we can say "Thnx" or "Thks." When we don't like something it "sux." If we really like something, we say it "roks." For some reason, we just can't bring ourselves to add the letter "C."
This brings us to the King, the reigning champion, the crown jewel of texting laziness. It's referred to as "Colon P." It almost sounds dirty or like some test you have to take by leaving a sample in a cup and leaving it on the sink. In reality, the "Colon P" is a symbolic way of showing your displeasure.
:P
To truly decifer its meaning, you're required to turn your head 90 degrees to the left. When you do, you'll see an image of a face with a tongue sticking out. This is classy stuff. Somewhere in the future, the spaceships will land. The aliens will emerge and see our used Blackberrys and think that we must have been a very intelligent species.
Of course, if they came to this conclusion, we'd have to check their intelligence.
Hopefully this made you LOL, or at the the very least, gave you a :)
But I have to draw the line when it comes to our laziest form of communication.
Texting.I
It's not the smiley faces or the LOL's that drive me nuts. It's everything else.
First, any acronym should be expunged immediately. Cute shortcuts like OTL and TTYL are like the Cliffs Notes of the human language. Say what you mean. Sometimes, someone throws one at you that you've never seen before. Then you have to keep guessing until it has some semblance of meaning. At the end, you're exhausted and realize that this episode could have been avoided if one of you would have just picked up the phone.
Next up on the list is the use of the letter "U" and the letter "R". As in the infamous, "How R U?" Geez. How lazy is this crap? Have we gotten to the point where we don't even have time to spell out three letter words? Pretty soon we'll be able to shorten everything and bring back morse code.
And it gets worse.
Some people deem it necessary to confirm plans with a single letter. "K." So let's put this into perspective. Our lives are now moving so fast that we don't even have time to spell out 2-letter words. This decision sits at a level that lies somewhere between ennui and illiteracy. I always wondered what the shortened version of not confirming plans woudl be. "NO K?"
We can't even thank people correctly. Instead, we have to show off our creativity and attempt to express our gratitude in as many different ways as possible. When we thank someone, we can say "Thnx" or "Thks." When we don't like something it "sux." If we really like something, we say it "roks." For some reason, we just can't bring ourselves to add the letter "C."
This brings us to the King, the reigning champion, the crown jewel of texting laziness. It's referred to as "Colon P." It almost sounds dirty or like some test you have to take by leaving a sample in a cup and leaving it on the sink. In reality, the "Colon P" is a symbolic way of showing your displeasure.
:P
To truly decifer its meaning, you're required to turn your head 90 degrees to the left. When you do, you'll see an image of a face with a tongue sticking out. This is classy stuff. Somewhere in the future, the spaceships will land. The aliens will emerge and see our used Blackberrys and think that we must have been a very intelligent species.
Of course, if they came to this conclusion, we'd have to check their intelligence.
Hopefully this made you LOL, or at the the very least, gave you a :)
Sunday, September 11, 2011
9/11.....a thought process
Ten years ago, sitting in a downtown office in New York City, I had many thoughts running through my head.
The first of which was trying to process the enormity of what had just happened. Hijacks, terrorist suicide, crash landings, and an act of war were all words and phrases that circled the wagon otherwise known as my eyes.
So now I was half way home. I knew what I was thinking as it related to the day's events. Now it was time to move on to the other half. What were the perpetrators thinking?
Yes, I eventually figured out that the terrorists wanted to use our own planes against us, destroy national landmarks, and wreak havoc on several thousand lives as well. But as the weeks began to pass, I found myself once again asking, "what were they thinking?"
Did these trained assassins and their leaders not think that there would be retribution? Did they not think that it would bring our nation together in complete unity? (at least for awhile anyway). Could they not surmise that we would eventually win the game of hide and seek and find their militant masterminds? Or that these events wouldn't force the improvement of our security personnel?
I couldn't know for sure. In fact, I still don't. Because the attacks from a decade ago still seem unfathomable to us all.
Today we commemorate and honor those who fought and lost their lives 10 years ago. We do this with flowers, processions, and speeches not only at Ground Zero, but in small towns and communites across the country.
At the most symbolic site of all, buildings have once again risen. A pool glistens with a continuous flow of water, symbolic of the memories of those we lost, forever alive in our collective consciousness. The names of the deceased are emblazoned in stone all around this pool, once a pool of blood, and now of water. Families snapped photographs of the names of their loved ones, and some even used paper to trace them, so they had a version at home as well.
Politicians arrived but left politics behind. Religion was absent from the ceremonies with the only reference at all being, "God Bless America." The media broadcasts had more moments of silence than moments of commentary.
Just what were the terrorists thinking now? Ten years later, we came together as one yet again. The city rebuilt and so did many companies, fire stations, and families. The buildings rose once more and so did we. Because that's what this country does. It remembers, it heals, and it moves forward.
Whatever your thoughts are today, make them proud. And let's hope that next time terrorists plan to think....they do it twice.
The first of which was trying to process the enormity of what had just happened. Hijacks, terrorist suicide, crash landings, and an act of war were all words and phrases that circled the wagon otherwise known as my eyes.
So now I was half way home. I knew what I was thinking as it related to the day's events. Now it was time to move on to the other half. What were the perpetrators thinking?
Yes, I eventually figured out that the terrorists wanted to use our own planes against us, destroy national landmarks, and wreak havoc on several thousand lives as well. But as the weeks began to pass, I found myself once again asking, "what were they thinking?"
Did these trained assassins and their leaders not think that there would be retribution? Did they not think that it would bring our nation together in complete unity? (at least for awhile anyway). Could they not surmise that we would eventually win the game of hide and seek and find their militant masterminds? Or that these events wouldn't force the improvement of our security personnel?
I couldn't know for sure. In fact, I still don't. Because the attacks from a decade ago still seem unfathomable to us all.
Today we commemorate and honor those who fought and lost their lives 10 years ago. We do this with flowers, processions, and speeches not only at Ground Zero, but in small towns and communites across the country.
At the most symbolic site of all, buildings have once again risen. A pool glistens with a continuous flow of water, symbolic of the memories of those we lost, forever alive in our collective consciousness. The names of the deceased are emblazoned in stone all around this pool, once a pool of blood, and now of water. Families snapped photographs of the names of their loved ones, and some even used paper to trace them, so they had a version at home as well.
Politicians arrived but left politics behind. Religion was absent from the ceremonies with the only reference at all being, "God Bless America." The media broadcasts had more moments of silence than moments of commentary.
Just what were the terrorists thinking now? Ten years later, we came together as one yet again. The city rebuilt and so did many companies, fire stations, and families. The buildings rose once more and so did we. Because that's what this country does. It remembers, it heals, and it moves forward.
Whatever your thoughts are today, make them proud. And let's hope that next time terrorists plan to think....they do it twice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)