Facing Facts About Facebook

If you suffer from one or more of the following symptoms, please contact your doctor immediately, as you may be terminally addicted to Facebook:

HUMAN GPS SYNDROME - this common problem derives from an insatiable desire to alert your complete list of friends as to your exact whereabouts. Clearly, these people are compelled to think that they're spies and are in desperate need of back up. Some of the more exciting posts include "throwing clothes in the dryer", "changing a diaper," and "leaving a urine sample." For most, unless you're joining the mile high club or robbing a bank, your exploits are just not that newsworthy.


REPETITIVE THUMB ADDICTION - it was bad enough that Siskel and Ebert made thumbs an integral part of pop culture, but they couldn't have known that it would also lead to a Facebook community of critics. If you post a video, article, political commentary, or a general opinion, you can be sure that several of your friends will hit the Facbook thumb button, as a sign that they "like this." So now you know that your friends agree with you. What a shocker. If they didn't, they probably wouldn't be your friends in the first place.


SELF BUGGING AFFLICTION - Imagine if someone bugged your house, and you were responsible for it! Thanks to Facebook, millions have now given universal access to their conversations by creating "The Wall." And despite the knowledge that everything you post on your wall can be seen by everyone else like some massive outdoor billboard, the afflicted unabashedly continue to speak about stomach viruses, vasectomies, and bachelor parties reminiscent of "The Hangover." But who cares, right? We're all friends here and there's nothing that we say that can't be heard by every other human being we've ever met on the planet.


STATUS UPDATE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER - Facebook is very concerned about your current status. Are you "in a relationship"? Are you recently married or perhaps single once again? In this regard, Facebook is like the paparazzi wanting the lead story in a sea of non-celebrities. Some are obsessed with letting you know if they're dating, engaged, on a honeymoon, or even divorced. When I first registered, I forgot to input my own status. The next day, I signified that I was married. My status changed, and I received several emails of congratulations despite already being married for over 10 years. I spent the next week explaining that I wasn't a newlywed, but in retrospect, I probably should have joined a wedding registry at Williams Sonoma.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE FRIENDSHIPS - During elementary school, typical friendships could change by the hour. Your best friend during lunch could be your worst enemy by recess. Back then, our methods of demarcation were much more subtle. You could eat with a different group or snub someone on the monkey bars. Facebook has made this infantile behavior far too easy. So, if you find yourself, "friending" or "deleting a friend" often, you're probably regressing to an earlier time. Seek help before your flightly behavior ruins an adult life as well as the one you probably destroyed in grade school.

INVOLUNTARY TRUTH SERUM ANXIETY - Most of us tend to be very guarded with our personal thoughts. This was the norm, of course, until Facebook starting asking, "What's on your mind?" Who knew that all you had to do was ask, and people would begin singing like canaries? That empty box apparently makes a good percentage of the population very nervous. So people fill it in with whatever they're thinking about. Opining on American Idol, divulging personal gifts from loved ones, complaints about their bosses....it's all fair game. Just keep it between us.

If you have any or all of these symptoms, it's not too late to get help. I was told of a rehab facility where addicts learn how to pick up the phone to speak with friends, and actually make and keep plans to meet. Many engage in real interpersonal conversation. I can't remember the number off hand.

But don't worry. I'll post it on Facebook.