My Funny Valentine

Valentine's Day will certainly be different for me this year. The mother of my children will still be a part of it. But instead of a candlelit table, this year's festivities will take place at the negotiating table.

Yes, it's true. My Valentine's Day will be spent in divorce mediation.

Falling under the popular category of "You Just Can't Make This Shit Up", this mediation is certain to have magic in the air. There's just nothing more romantic than sitting in a room with two divorce attorneys, a mediator, and a woman who's trying to take half your money.

At times like these, gift giving can be very complicated. First of all, what do you get for the woman who has everything? That's right. My attorney. She really does have everything, namely, all my money. So perhaps, indirectly, I've paid for a few gifts along the way. Like that new iPhone she has.

Next up, we have the mediator. The problem with her is, any gift she receives would immediately get split in half. So, does that mean I should buy her 2 gifts? This way when she cuts them evenly, the two halves would make a whole gift. Well, that could get expensive, and after all, I'm trying to save money here.

A gift for my ex-wife's attorney is completely out of the question. If not for the obvious reasons, then because of what she'd do with it. Somehow, it would backfire on me. I'd be asked to provide a receipt for the purchase, then it would be used against me as proof that I spend frivolously when the money could have gone to alimony.

Finally, there's my ex-wife. The first thing that goes through my head is all the money I've spent on her over the years for Valentines Day. My mind races through the numbers, and I wish I had even 75% of that back. Then, you move on to the total number of Hallmark cards. Five bucks a pop for someone else's words that years later you don't mean anymore. It kind of makes you think that Hallmark could make a mint if it began selling "You're Divorced' greeting cards;

"On this very special day, I'd ask that you don't take all my pay"

"Wishing you a sweet Valentine, please stop taking all that is mine"

The only appropriate gift would be some form of practical joke. Something like a flower that squirts water into her face or a pen with exploding ink. If all else fails, I can always fall back on offering her a piece of gum that snaps back on the finger like a mouse trap.

Wait a minute. These sound more like gifts for the kids. Maybe I'll apply them to child support.

This should be a Valentines Day to remember.