No Return, No Receipt

The other day I took a good look at my wallet and realized that it resembled George Castanza's personal monstrosity from Seinfeld. You know the type. Overstuffed, overweight, and seemingly in need of a Weight Watchers program.

To be completely honest, my wallet doesn't binge and has a certain element of self control. It limits itself to just two credit cards, one bank card, and a few other frivolous additions like Triple A, office security, and health insurance. Everything else has been removed, including photos and business cards (thank you Blackberry). So figuring out why your wallet is heavy enough to use in a traditional stoning wasn't easy.

This lasted for years, until one day I opened the billfold and realized that beyond the paltry few dollars that sat there like a failed decoy was a swarm of those small slips of paper that multipy with blinding speed - receipts. And what a wide variety I had! Bank, taxi, restaurant, credit cards, and parking receipts were all duly represented and completely necessary. But there were several others that never should have seen the light of day.

For one, I don't need a receipt for every time I order lunch. Some restaurants like Au Bon Pain actually post that if you don't get a receipt from the cashier, your lunch is free. Well, they've never missed one yet. So I dutifully throw them in. Then sometime near tax season after holding it stupidly for seven months, I reminisce about the grilled chicken sandwhich I had on ciabatta bread.

Another item that comes with a needless receipt is any store that sells greeting cards. I don't know about you, but I've never returned a greeting card. What would you even say? "I'm sorry, my wife read it, and was hoping for something more apologetic." Or how about returning a condolence card because the family decided to resusitate? Better yet, you bring back an anniversary card because the couple got divorced. Look, people don't return greeting cards! If it doesn't work out, we'll just repackage them for someone else who stayed married or actually croaked.

The pharmacy is by far the worst. Do we really need a receipt for condoms? Well, for one thing, they'd never come back used. Or what's another guy going to say? "I'm sorry, they were too big." Or how about a return because of non-use. Who would admit to that? Toilet paper is another item that doesn't need proof of purchase. Eventually, it will be used. And if you had Mexican for dinner, you may use more than expected.

Sometimes we get receipts for services that we can never return. Like a haircut. Can you ever return a haircut? "I'm sorry, I didn't like it. I'd like my hair back please." A massage is another classic non-receipt scenario. You can't get reimbursed five minutes later if your muscles tighten up while you're sitting in traffic during a fit of road rage.

Only once was I originally disappointed for not getting a receipt. A New York City tailor in midtown would take my suits, chalk them up, give you a few hangers, and ask you to return in 5 days. "No receipt?," I asked. With a heavy Italian accent he replied, "No. I remember suits."

The scary thing is....he did.