Band Aid

What ever happened to cool sounding rock bands? The 80's were filled with them. Their names were edgy, fierce, and intimidating. And their monikers spanned the gamut from poisonous insects, rodents, and even serious mental conditions. Let's see. There was Megadeath which implied a fate somehow worse than death. There were bleak scenarios like Black Sabbath and Quiet Riot, repulsive creatures like Scorpions and Ratt, and vivid depravity from Twisted Sister.

Those were the days.

Unfortunately, many of these bands have either physically died or publicly died out, and with them their beloved names that made us proud to be fans. Sprint ahead twenty years, and rock band names have gone inexpicably soft. "Fall Out Boy?" That just sends chills down my spine. What about "The Plain White T's"? Is that supposed to impress me? They sound like a Gap ad, or maybe something from a Target circular. "Kings of Leon"? "Muse"? That's about as exciting as The Wiggles. It's almost as if these bands were purposely going for a "G" rating. And even when they make an effort to be cutting edge, they still can't get it right. "My Chemical Romance?" First of all, there is certainly no room for the word, "romance" in a rock band's name. I know what they're trying to say, but wouldn't it have sounded much cooler if they went with "Addiction?"

This trend of soft euphemism needs to end now. It's time for us to take back the naming rights of these musicians, and restore their manhood. So the first order of business is to begin with a theme that universally makes us all stand at attention just at the mere thought -- Medical Illness. Yes, you heard me. Nothing wakes us up faster than a bad diagnosis. These terms have been in our collective vernacular for years, and always associated with dread. Now, using them for rock names will give them all a new, higher purpose.

We don't have to start with the most deplorable. We can pick something mild, then slowly work our way up. Something like, "Influenza." Now that's a cool band! Their first single? "Temperature Rising." Next, we rathcet it up a notch to something like, "Syphillis." Doesn't that just grab you? Their first release? "Scratch Tracks." Rolling Stone would eventually put them on the cover with a feature article called, "Syphillis spreads across America."

Let's also not forget about medical equipment, as the industry is filled with great prospects. And the DJ says...... "that was the latest from "The Catheters" catch them in your town for their "Going Down the Tubes Tour." Then there's my personal favorite, "The Defribillators" who'll be opening up this Summer for "The Stents." And when we run out of equipment, we could move on to the medication.

Just once, I'd like to like to look at Billboard's top 10 list and see hit songs from Prozac, Xanax, Coumadin, Prilosec, Xyrtec, Percocet, Vicadin, Immodium, Viagra, and Celebrex. Every band would sound mean and not weak like what you see on today's charts. I would love to just hear one of my friends say, "I'm looking forward to the next release from Viagra."

All right, now back to the diseases. Something that would cover what rock and roll fans know so much about - - Smoking and Drinking. So I'd start off with something like, "Emphysema." They would feature a memorable remake of "Every Breath You Take." For the alcoholics, we's have "Cirrhosis", also made famous by a cover tune - - "I Drink Alone."

All medical rock bands would have their own satellite radio station. And we'd call it "Blue Cross." Although it would probably be tough on the DJ after awhile, and maybe even a little depressing; especially after a long, commercial free block. So, just to keep him free from any suicidal thoughts, we'd make sure that songs from "The Cure" would always be on hand.

Long live Rock and Roll, even if they're in failing health.