Float This

Now that Thanksgiving is over, I have to make a confession. I love the food and football, but absolutely hate the parade. I have nothing against Macy's. I won't change my shopping habits to a retailer that doesn't support parades and fireworks. But this float fest needs an upgrade and fast. And to something significanly more meaningful.

They can keep the giant Turkey and the marching bands. Everything else must go. I don't want to see any more Disney characters and especially no more floats that exist for the sheer purpose of promoting a show on the collection of NBC Universal television networks. We also need to eliminate the shameless promotion of Broadway shows which clearly have no connection to the foundation of Thanksgiving. Unless, Andrew Lloyd Weber decides to write a love story about Pilgrims.

So what's the best redux for this parade of helium induced stars? Make it a year in review. Thanksgiving takes place at the end of the year, so it's a perfect time to reflect, and I couldn't think of a better alternative then to commemorate with large floats.

After the oversized Turkey, I think we should lead with a float filled with doctors, nurses, surgeons and other healthcare professionals. The aerial will be an inflated tongue depressor and on the side it would display "ObamaCare" in large neon lettering. To be completely authentic, the float would have to deflate somewhere near the end of the route.

Next up...a General Motors float. Several members of the corporate team will be perched near the top of this car-shaped balloon, and they'll be throwing cash at the onlookers. This will reprsent the return of the loan they received from the taxpayers, and everyone lucky enough to attend will get the refund they deserve.

Rounding the corner now is a well appointed tea cup. No, not the one from Alice in Wonderland. This one will be filled with all the Tea Party candidates that won in the latest election. For added symbolism, several of these politicians will dump tea overboard just like they did in Boston years ago.

Wait, what's that I see next? Yes, it's a giant Apple! In 2010, Apple helped reinvent the speed and efficiency in which we do many basic tasks. Steve Jobs would be in the lead position, and he'd show everyone how he's keeping the balloon inflated by using an app on his iPad.

Parades can't be all about fun and games. So we'd need one float the combines all the gut-wrenching stories of the year. This one won't be easy, but stay with me on this. It's an enormous Toyota Camry. The float intermittently accelerates without warning, shaking violently along it's path. This gives the impression of an earthquake and we quickly see that the vehicle is filled with several people from Haiti. They jump out of the car with Red Cross cans, so the attendees can donate the money that they failed to give the first time. At the rear of the car, near the gas tank, are the letters, BP. So to complete this mess, gas is leaking onto the ground. (I can dream, can't I?)

We would only allow 1 celebrity float, but this one will only contain only the shamed, not the celebrated. Tiger Woods will be the captain and he'll be seated next to Mel Gibson who will be seen wearing a yarlmacha. Lindsay Lohan stands behind him, and she'll cry consistently for the entire parade.

The last few floats will highlight some of this year's more newsworthy industries. The first will be the largest balloon in the parade - a giant Jet Blue aircraft. The base will contain a slide, and the bombastic flight attendant, Steven Slater. He'll periodically slide down while holding a gin and tonic in each hand. In the rear of the motor car, a group of people will jump in and out of a large screening machine so we can all see whether or not they're hiding their car keys. Following quickly behind will be our last float of the day. It's an enlarged prison cell. Our two dozen prisoners are all men. Some are wearing expensive navy pinstripe suits, others, neatly pressed khakis and polo shirts. No one will be recognizable except Madoff's sons. The sides of the float will simply say, "Wall Street."

Now that's what I call a parade.