One of his rules was that to be an established sport, your game must use a ball. This eliminated hockey from the conversation to which Carlin added, "Hockey is played with a puck. The only other time a puck has been used is in a urinal in the men's room."
Well, that was over 30 years ago, and I think the list needs a refresher. And I can think of no better time than the 2012 Summer Olympics. Just look on any program grid, and some of these games just stick out like a sore thumb. You already know where I stand on beach volleyball. But when you add ping pong and badminton to the repertoire, you begin to see a trend.
These aren't Olympic sports. They're leisure activities you do with family and friends on the weekends. And I think there should be one simple rule for all Olympic sports.
If you can play it in your basement or in your back yard, it's not a sport.
At this pace, it's only a matter of time before air hockey becomes an Olympic sport. Just a hunch, but I think Canada would be considered the favorites. Especially if the players get the urge to grab a stick and play on the table.
But let's play this out a few steps further. What if the Summer Olympics allowed just about anything you can do in a basement or in a back yard? Think of the possibilities!
First, I could see them adding "Barbecuing." The trials alone would make for must-see TV. Just a bunch of fat guys holding a beer and flipping burgers. And I can hear the announcers, "just look at his seasoning technique, not to mention the way he cleans that grill."
Another backyard favorite, and a natural for the Summer, would be "Tag." Wouldn't that be awesome if you were known as one of the best Tag players in the world? Some players would be great "eluders", while others would master being "It."
Next, for those who love the winter slalom, you won't have to wait every 4 years anymore. Now we'll have a fine summer equivalent when we add "Slip and Slide" to the 2016 games. Just imagine those athletes racing down steep hills on their stomachs. It will be sight to behold. Some players will be even be disqualified for falling onto the grass. Oh, the heartbreak.
Of course, no backyard Olympic sport would be complete without adding, "Swings." We would have 2 distinct categories. One for height, and the other for distance. When it comes to distance, athletes would jump off the swing and land in a sand lot. Picture the current long distance jump, but from a swing set. (Extra points of course, for the nicest swing set.)
I would be remiss if I didn't explore the basement as well. Especially because they already allow ping pong. So, the first basement qualifier would be Olympic "Twister." Wouldn't you love to proudly say that you made the All American Twister team? It has nice cache. And I'm sure the uniforms would be very cool.
If you couldn't make the Twister team, there would always be "Monopoly." Each country would be represented by a different token. We'd give the car to the Japanese. England gets the top hat. Italy claims the thimble. The U.S. will don the wheel barrel. However, this would not be our best event. Somewhere along the line, we'd get caught for stealing money.
And finally, no Summer Olympics would be complete without the addition of that game of sweet revenge, "Sorry." Another perfect fit. The colors on the board match many of those in the Olympic rings, so it's a great ambassador of the games. And I couldn't think of any other sport, where just at the moment you move ahead of your opponent, you utter that thoughtful word, "sorry."
No one's sorrier than me that that the London games continue to let just about anyone in.
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