When It's Positive to be Negative

In light of this country's need for healthcare reform, I think it would be short sighted to stop with just the healthcare itself. While we're tackling these issues and identifying what needs to be changed, it's high time we also consider the medical terminology itself.

For years, we hear doctors use phrases, abbreviations, acronyms and more without stopping to think how ridiculous it all sounds. And, because I've had my share of x-rays, MRIs, and surgeries, I think I'm uniquely qualified to lead the charge.

So, just what qualifies as nonsense in the medical vernacular? Well, for starters, where else in the English language is negative news looked at as a positive?

"John, we received your test results. And it's "negative." "Thank the Lord for that."

Any other part of your life that uses the negative usually means things like: you didn't get the job, your reviews were horrible, someone didn't accept your invitation on Facebook, you failed your weigh-in at Weight Watchers, or your spouse said they have a headache. However, in medicine, "negative" means only one thing. You're a winner.

In the same category lies one of my favorite medical terms: "Unremarkable." This is easily interchanged with negative, when hearing the results of a test. You wait about 3 days to hear back, and the doctor hits you with:

"Well, you were "unremarkable". And you're thrilled. "Did you hear that, Stan, the doctor thought I was unremarkable!" "Actually, I thought you've been unremarkable for the last 15 years."

Who wants to be known as unremarkable? That's what you use to describe a new restaurant, or a bad date. Maybe even a movie. But in the medical community, unremarkable means only good news. They looked at the MRI, and you're clean. Your blood test is fine.

Here's another anomaly. For years we've been told that cholesterol is something to be tested, monitored, controlled, and analyzed. People have begun to memorize their numbers, and are not shy about telling you. "Hi, I'm 210." So why did they ever introduce the theory of "good" cholesterol? (or HDL) Couldn't they have gone with a different name? Don't even call it cholesterol at all. It forms in your liver, so call it something everyone knows like, "chopped liver." People like chopped liver and recognize it as a positive. Er, as a negative as it takes cholesterol away from the heart. Damn. Now I'm confused.

Of course, to get results from any test, you need machines. And many of the common machines have names that don't sound like they were designed for humans. Let's say your doctor orders you a Catscan, or maybe a Petscan. Shouldn't you be checking to see if you mistakenly went to a Vet? "Hey buddy, tell my dog to get a Petscan." And some other tests use language that softens up how difficult they actually are. Like a spinal tap. Simple, right? It sounds like someone's going to give you a light pat on the back. Imagine your surprise when they grab your spinal fluid through a lumbar puncture. Or how about a pap smear? It sounds like something you'd put on a bagel. "Yes, I'll have a cinnamon raisin with a side of pap smear." Guess again.

Sometimes, doctors just get plain lazy. When they've run out different ways to describe the condition, they just take a part of your body and ad the activity which probably caused the injury. My favorite has always been swimmer's ear. Your ear hurts, you were swimming....swimmer's ear! Or how about tennis elbow? What a cop out that is. The latest is reserved for those injured on artificial grass. Turf toe. It doesn't even sound serious. These all sound like petty nuisances, but if you've had any of them, it hurts like hell.

Now, if any of these conditions need surgery, you're in for a long ride. And if for some reason it doesn't work, don't worry. They now have revision surgery. This is great. So you destroy your knee, and you go in so they can fix it. If it doesn't work, they revise it. Whoops, sorry. Do over. Are they nuts? This isn't Simon Says. This is your f'n knee.

Even if you're the picture of health, the medical community has enough for you to constantly test. So don't even think of relaxing. Because thanks to your doctor's job to keep your brain and heart healthy, you'll go on for the rest of your life monitoring very calm items such as your nervous system, and your blood pressure.

Somebody pass the valium.