Every time my kids have a territorial advantage on the remote control, I'm forced to watch some reality show. Lately, the brain numbing program of choice has been "Say Yes to the Dress." Now, I don't need to go into great detail as to why this doesn't appeal to me. And it's compounded by the fact that I haven't seen a puck hit the ice in over two months.
Nonetheless, I'm forced to watch women of all shapes, sizes, and tattoos argue with everyone from salespeople, bridesmaids, and their mothers about which dress to select for an occasion that will last about 5 hours.
Suffice it to say that I couldn't "Care Less about the Dress." But my kids certainly do. My older daughter gets caught up in all the nuances of the family drama, while my youngest says, "I just like seeing all the different dresses.'' So, after several airings of this garbage, I thought, if you can't beat them...join them.
I started thinking about some spinoffs that would be much more interesting. As the next step after the wedding could be the decision to start a family, wouldn't it be great to see young couples bickering over whether or not have a kid?
"What do you mean we don't have the money?!!"
"I haven't even seen Italy yet!"
"I don't know how to change a diaper"
"Your mother's really been a pain in the ass"
And the name of our new hit show......."Say Maybe To The Baby." I smell a hit. There's just nothing better than a couple fighting vehemently about the biological clock. So this show runs its course, and eventually someone caves and they have the baby. They have to quickly move on to the next phase which involves certain traditions you plan for after bringing a little one into the world. Which brings us to our second spin-off called...
"Say Diss to the Bris." Let's face it. There are lot of people out there who have weak stomachs. Most of us could think of a laundry list of things they would rather be doing instead of witnessing a circumcision. And for some, just the word mohel, gives some people the shakes. So the prospect of filming people's reactions to a bris has great comic potential.
After the birth of a child, the in-laws usually spend a lot more time with the happy couple, usually rendering them, well, unhappy. Inevitably, flaws come to the surface like dead fish, and the grandparents become very critical of their sons and daughters in law. This dynamic would spawn two companion shows from different perspectives. "Can't Decide on the Bride" and "There's No Room For The Groom" will run back to back on Tuesday nights for an hour of reality bliss.
The next big step in the lifecycle is deciding where to buy a house for the growing family. Once again, this can cause great drama that's certain to provide strong ratings in the key demos. This is where couples first become exposed to one of the world's great menaces: The Real Estate Broker. Here, you can sit back and try to spot a series of lies about the neighborhood and its educational system. Therefore, "Losing Patience with Your Agent" is something we've all experienced and destined to be a crowd pleaser.
Completing the circle, about 7 years into our continuing franchise, we find many of our couples under the strain of finances, soccer games, individual smothering, infidelity, and more. This fiery period will draw us in to a world where the marriage eventually becomes unhinged, making "Get This Louse Out Of My House" an instant classic.
The beauty is that a majority of these couples will eventually get remarried, and when they do, we can watch them return on "Say Yes To The Dress."
Life really is its own reality show.
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