Knocked Hockey

For most people, Thanksgiving is defined by the the 3 F's:

Family, Food, and Football

As for me, I've always focused on the first two.  Because unlike the rest of the free world, I'm just not that into football.  In some houses, this belief system would force me into a time-out in the corner, or be relegated to the kitchen and speak to some of the ladies about Rachael Ray, or some reality show on the Food Network.   So be it.

I looked forward to Thanksgiving so I could watch hockey.   That's right.  A Canadian sport.  And yes,  from that northern country that celebrates Boxing Day instead of Thanksgiving.  I'd rather watch two players throw their helmets and gloves off and duke it out rather than watch a guy pummel a helpless player catching a pass in mid-field.  Hey, we all have our preferences.

But now, yet again, I will be without hockey on Thanksgiving.   For this, I can give thanks to yet another NHL lockout; the second in just eight years.  My fear is that this one is going to last well beyond Thanksgiving.   I don't think I'll even see a puck drop by Christmas.   Therefore, I must prepare for the worst and find different activities that replace the adrenaline rush I used to get from watching these toothless warriors skate around.

The first thing I need to solve is replacing violence in a skating arena.   For that, I'm going to You Tube to watch the footage of the Nancy Kerrigan and Tanya Harding incident.  Boy, I would love to have seen those two duke it out on the ice.  My money's on Tanya.

I've always had an affinity for the goalies in hockey, and you just don't get a chance to see them every day.    So, I think I'll download all the Halloween movies so I can see Jason in a classic Ken Dryden mask.   I'm going to turn the volume down because he seems much less scary when you can't hear that foreboding music that just says, "look out behind you!"

It's hard to find a reason for people to use a hockey stick beyond, well, hockey.  But I have a few ideas to put mine to good use.  The first thing is to replace my broom.   Brooms get dirty very quickly and cleaning them is even messier.  (or should I say Messier?)   Using a hockey stick to sweep dirt into a dustpan is much cooler and can make for great exercise.  Cleaning up glass is a little trickier, but glass looks a lot like ice giving the process a more authentic feel.

I'm also going to replace my snow brush and ice pick.   There's nothing sexy about taking snow and ice off your car.  But there will be now, as you stick handle your way down the hood, across the windshields, and against the side mirrors.   If you do this while wearing a hockey jersey, you can expect to find yourself on You Tube pretty quickly.   And probably with a lot of views.

In keeping with the snow theme, I'm also going to rent my own Zamboni.  After all, what are they using them for these days?   I'll keep it in my garage, and on those really icy days, I'll use it on the driveway.   This will help level out the chips, and I'll be able to create my very own rink.   Just think how happy the kids are going to be when they can go ice skating without ever leaving the house.

Referees are people I'm definitely going to miss.  There's just something about how those black and white stripes really stand out.   As a replacement, I'll tune in to a few hours of Animal Planet and watch the Zebras.   The lions in pursuit of their prey can play the role of the fired up coaches that argue the calls made by the zebra refs.

The hardest iconic hockey piece to replace is by far the face-off.  It's one of the greatest battles in sports.  Mano-a-mano, you stare up at your opponent and give them that nasty stare down.   There can only be one winner, and you both dig in your heels and fight to the death for victory.  Where else am I going to find that kind of intensity with such great frequency?  Oh yeah.  I still have my ex-wife.

In the end, I guess there just isn't a cure-all for a hockey lock-out.  So today, I will dutifully watch football and secretly dream of grabbing a few turkey legs for sticks and a wish bone for a puck.

Game on.