"SAWed" in Half

My grandfather loved surgery, like a man loves his dog. He would discuss his schedule of surgeries as someone else would speak about a timeshare. Instead of an upcoming trip to the Caribbean, he would mention his upcoming carotid artery surgery. Others would boast about Bali, he would proudly discuss his pending bypass surgery.

I didn't have my first surgery until I was 38, and unlike my grandfather, my preparation was nothing akin to an island vacation. Mine was much closer to being in a "SAW" movie. My procedure wasn't overly complicated or dangerous and the surgeon was the most notable expert in the field. But none of that mattered to me. In my mind, the whole concept of surgery was, stated in the proper vernacular......NUTS!

I often think that if you had to describe the process of surgery to creatures from another planet, they might consider it an act of barbarism. My description would go something like this:

First, they starve you for twelve hours. When arriving at a large building filled with sick people, they ask you to immediately strip naked. To avoid embarrassment, they clothe you with an oversized gown and funny slippers, which only causes further embarrassment. Next, for entertainment, you receive a needle in your arm which is attached to a movable pole that you have to drag with you like a new pet. After a long, unbearable wait, your number comes up, and they lead you through a set of double doors that feel like the entrance to a dungeon for top secret science experiments.

You're led into a room where you're immediately surrouded by several men and women in outlaw masks. There's a great temptation to put your hands in the air, then hand over your wallet(if you only had pants). They toy with you further by asking for your name and the reason for your "visit." To complete your outfit, you're given a hat which is a cross between a shower cap and a chef's hat. So you don't see how ridiculous you look, they put you to sleep. Then, with a series of sharp instruments, they take your body and slice, dice, and trim until completion(maybe that's why you get a chef's hat).

Hours later, your eyes open and you awaken in a room with other victims, without any recollection of how you got there. I've had two surgeries now, and there's a third one pending.

I just wish it felt more like a timeshare.