Dog Doo

I love my dog. In fact, I love all dogs.

The only problem is that these days I see others more than mine. Since my family and I are now living separately, the dog became one of the many casualties. The fact that my building doesn't allow dogs only complicates the matter.

So, my visits with "Mocha", the Yorkshire Terrier/poodle, are limited to a quick hello at the door when I'm picking up my kids for a weekend visit. Even then, my ex-wife has become very territorial. When I ask if the dog can come out for a quick hello, she says that the dog is exhausted and sleeping when, in fact, I not only can hear Mocha barking, she's also visibly scratching at the window at the side of the front door. So much for that alibi.

In divorce, there's a lot that you can split evenly. A dog isn't one of them. Because unless you're David Copperfield, this dog is destined to stay in one piece. And despite the fact that our Mocha will clearly be living with the kids, I've actually been asked to financially support her.

Yes, that's correct. Dog alimony.

I asked my attorney, called a few friends who are attorneys, and caved into researching on the web, and I couldn't find one law that provides for what amounts to "doggy support." Now, I've always considered pets to be an integral part of every family. And we all form strong attachments that are akin to our brothers and sisters. But at the end of the day, this is an animal.

First, I thought that maybe Mocha hired her own attorney. After all, Jim Carrey was a Pet Detective. Maybe there were Pet Lawyers as well. I didn't find any listed.

Nonetheless, I wondered what my dog would be asking for next. Did I have to also provide winter sweaters and new feeding bowls every year? Was she entitled to an annual vacation? Weird things begin to circle through your head. It was a good thing we had her spayed, otherwise, I may be asked to pay for child support. God, and what about college? And braces?

The logic behind why I should pay for pet expenses was also an exercise in either insanity or an intelligence that has yet to be discovered. The argument went something like this:

"Well, we really didn't want a dog....you did"
"You named her, you should pay for her."
"You walked her most often."

Holy crap. This faulty deductive reasoning rivals the purported need for 3-D television and Nicki Minaj.

Needless to say, there's just not enough money to go around to pay for a dog that I never see. I haven't seen my former television, dining room table, and den couches in several months either, and I'm not paying to support them. However, this experience has opened my eyes to a potential new business.

Maybe dogs should have lawyers. And I'd like to become the first one. I can go to Canine Law School. There, you would learn about all breeds and their life expectancies, so you can get fair settlements. I would study proper standards of living in each state, and make sure that these dogs had enough for school in the event that they ever wanted to train for the Big Apple Circus.

I could even envision the television commercials where dogs would be placed in testimonials with voiceovers explaining how they would have been destitute and on the street had it not been for me. And it would be explained how they were able to maintain their upscale lifestyles of sleeping, eating table scraps, and leaving a log on other people's lawns.

This new job should help supplement my income so I can pay support for my kids - - the ones who really need it.

The last time I saw my dog, perhaps for the last time, I was bringing her home after a few days of her staying with me against complex rules. I put her in my car and next to the kids in the back. As we drove, she looked around to get her bearings, and she seemed to recognize that she was headed back home.

There seemed to be a sadness in her eyes. Almost a depressed look as if to say, well my friend, it looks like this is it. We had a nice run. I bet the concept of visitation rights, a dog, and how she could get screwed in the deal never even dawned on her.

That makes two of us.