Please Gong "American Idol"

I really miss Chuck Barris. You remember Chuck Barris, don't you? Creator of both The Newlywed Game and The Gong Show, he was also rumored to be an operative in the CIA. Let's just say, he'd have one of the more interesting resumes on LinkedIn.

But when looking back on a successful career, he will be most remembered for hosting what I consider to the be the precursor and superior version of American Idol - - The Gong Show.

For those who don't remember, the Gong Show had a very simple premise. You competed on stage for a few minutes, performing just about anything you wanted. Singers, dancers, magicians, comedians, musicians, poetry readers, and church choirs, were all fair game. Three celebrity judges would rate your performance on a scale of 1-10 if and only if you made it through your act without one of them grabbing a mallot and smashing a huge gong. This act, of course, signified a general distate for a specific performance or in the a more direct parlance, "You suck."

Chuck Barris was like Ryan Seacrest, with the exception of what seemed like his being on heavy doses of cocaine. (Understandably, this made for a much more charismatic host). Half the fun was in watching Chuck Barris do or say just about anything, and the other half was waiting in anticipation to see if a really bad act would actually find its way around that dreaded gong.

Winners received a nominal cash prize. No record contracts. No national interviews on radio and television talk shows. And you certainly didn't make the national headlines. This was especially true if you won the Gong Show for playing the Star Spangled Banner by whistling your nose hair.

So when Amercian Idol returns every January, I don't watch. I can't. The first four weeks consist of all the horrible acts on the Gong Show that didn't last more than 30 seconds without getting the boot. On American Idol, we have to watch these train wrecks for several minutes. On the Gong Show, these acts would be sprinkled in with others that were actually above average. American Idol makes you watch these tone deaf bastards for one month straight before moving on to anyone that can sing.

If for some reason, you decide to watch through this cold period, you then get to view high end karaoke for the next 20 weeks. Is this really supposed to capture our attention. If I really wanted to watch karaoke, I could find a bachelorette party somewhere in New York City. But let's face it. Who has that kind of time?

As an added bonus, we get to listen to host Ryan Seacrest, who's about as interesting a personality as the guy who died in Weekend at Bernie's. Sometimes he gets to tell the back stories of some of the contestants which all involve someone who used to sing in Church or in a garage rock band who one day dreamed of being on Fox-TV with Simon Cowell. Oh, wait a minute. Simon took off to start another karaoke show. Now you'll have to deal with Steven Tyler, lead singer of Aerosmith.

Is he supposed to be a replacement for Cowell, the Don Rickles of the music industry? And do you really want his opinion on anything? Dream On.

So, here's the cure for American Bile, er, American Idol. Turn it into the Gong Show. If you have to keep the music theme, fine. But let's find judges who know nothing about music at all, and hand them a gong. It would certainly save time. Why do we have to sit and listen to yet another kid doing a Justin Bieber impression for 4 minutes, when they could quickly gong these clowns back to the nearest bus station. Replace Ryan Seacrest with Jim Carrey and now you'd have a show.

Well, Fox would probably never go for it. Gong sounds too much like bong and that might send Steve Tyler back into rehab. But mark my words. This could be the beginning of the end for this evergreen talent contest if they don't make a few tweaks.

I bet, if you asked nicely, you could even get the Unknown Comic to make a comeback.