Baby Food

Do you remember the days when your were expecting your first child, and you went to Barnes and Noble to buy a countless number of baby naming books? Remember how difficult it was? You looked through thousands of names, and narrowed it down to about (5) choices on each side of the potential gender.

Then came the hard part. First, we didn't want to give our kids the same name as our friend's kids. So that knocked a few choices off the list. Next, if you already knew an adult with the same name on your list, and you didn't like them.....well.....those choices were forever doomed. And if you were Jewish, you had the added pressure of selecting a name with the same first initial of someone deceased. How's that for uplifting?

After a few disagreements, you finally settled on a name or two. And it's a lot of pressure. After all, this kid has to live with this moniker for the rest of his/her life. (Marriage can change the surname, but never the first.) Then, you had to worry about whether or not the other kids on the playground would find a way to make fun of your selection. These kids in elementary schools are literary geniuses. They can somehow twist and turn any combination of letters into something incredibly embarrassing and just like that, your kid has to live with it for at least a decade. Personally, I didn't take the brunt of this behavior. The worst I heard was "Adam Madame." I could live with that. It was my last name that fell under attack. "Rowe, Rowe, Rowe your boat...." could be heard near the monkey bars on a regular basis.

Most of us are well past the point of having another child, or perhaps having one at all. But now that I'm older, and just slightly wiser, I realized that our approach to baby naming was off course right from the beginning. We were all looking in the wrong books. We didn't need expensive, and quite heavy baby naming books, especially when we had one in our homes that could have done a more stellar job.

The Zagat book.

Think about it. Many restauranteurs also need to select a name that will be synonymous with strength, quality, and popularity. They derive from a wide variety of nationalities and have already found a positive place in our vernacular. A quick skim through the Zagat's first few pages of top restaurants by cuisine or the best restaurants by neighborhood will easily provide more than enough male and female choices to make you the envy of young parents everywhere.

I could provide endless choices, but I'm only going to highlight a few standouts for a variety of different ethnicities:

FEMALE

Avra - Greek, and somewhat angelic
Oceana - great for nature lovers
Remi - very pretty, and simple
JoJo - playful, and already sounds like a nickname
Aureole - almost has a Disney feel to it
Novita - rolls off the tongue
Pastis- anything French sounds good
Barbetta - very Hollywood

MALE

Nobu - c'mon, who doesn't like Nobu?
Veritas - strong and powerful
Bouley- a name that will get all the girls
Babbo - a little Flintstones, but original
Balthazar - already sounds like a novelist
Pylos - like a Greek God
Tabla - it doesn't rhyme with anything

Now you might ask why on earth would I want to name my kids after anything that reminds me of food, particularly places where I've eaten? But why not? When scores of people look upon these names it can only remind them of the most positive times. Great business lunches, birthdays, anniversaries, retirement parties, holiday parties, and other causes of celebration. How many other names have that kind of equity naturally built in?

I just don't get the same feeling from Ashley, Tiffany, Christopher, and Noah. Most likely, neither will you.

Recalculating

The GPS device was built for men. We never liked to ask for directions anyway, so why not have a computer with full satellite reception lead us around? And it certainly beats looking for the North Star.

Personally, I've always been partial to Garmin over Tom Tom. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because the natural default voice is female, and I simply never trusted guys named Tom, or people whose first and last names were identical.

But more than anything else, I love the intuitive nature of the device. The Garmin knows where you are at all times. If you program it to bring you from point A to point B, it always constructs the shortest route. And perhaps it's greatest asset is its ability to quickly surmise that you've strayed off course and quickly "recalculates" to get you back on the straight and narrow. It truly is one of the few products I've purchased (more than once) that actually performs as promised.

Now it's time for Garmin to take the next step and move beyond driving directions. We need a GPS device that goes a significant step further. One that guides us through life. It would even be called the Garmin Life. Instead of plugging in street names, or doing searches for the nearest movie theater or gas station, this Garmin would be filled with advice on critical life choices.

So first, you plug in, "Career." A series of alphabetical choices would pull up in a drop down menu- Accountant, Babysitter, Consultant, Doctor.....and all the way down the line until we get to Zoologist. You graduate from college, put on the Garmin Life and pick a career. The Garmin then operates much the same as it does now. It gives you direction, estimates how fast your're traveling down your career "path", and approximates your time of arrival. The user is advised to follow the Garmin as instucted. But if you select the wrong medical scholol, or the wrong company to launch your career, the Garmin reverts back to the all too familiar, "recalculating." and gets you back on course.

There would also be a section for "Real Estate." How many times have we exhaustively searched for that house or condo, onlyto find that we were outbid or were dealing with an unscrupulous broker. Well, not to fear any more. The Garmin Life will follow the trends and search the neighborhoods by satellite, until finally finding you the perfect place to live. It may not even be in the town you thought you would settle in, but it will be close. And the Garmin Life will save you from a real estate buyer's greatest fear - - buying the Money Pit.

The most complex function of the Garmin Life, will be in the "Relationship" section. Similar to some of the more popular or unpopular dating sites, you would have choices for gender, hair color, personality, height, weight, profession, etc. Single people would simply get in their cars and the GPS would take them directly to where their matches are. It could guide you to bars, restaurants, offices, or even to someone's house. Think of the time it would save! If the other party also used a Gamin Lite which ironically lead them to you, then you've got yourself a winner my friends.

The new Garmin Life would also be your guide when deciding on a doctor for all forms of medicine. The "Medical" section would help with finding a good local pediatrician, a dentist, urologist, cardiologist, and surgeon. Thanks to Garmin's online updates, we'll have lifetime intel on malpractice suits, retirements, performance in medical school and more. Even if we get a top referral from a friend who proudly claims that "my guy is the best," the Garmin will recalculate if it knows something that your friend doesn't.

I don't want you to think that I'm not sympathetic to how this device would affect other businesses. It would really kill the fortune teller conglomerates. There would be thousands of palms that would go unread and lifelines gone unidentified. The crystal ball business would crumble and ouija boards would suddenly be all over Ebay.

But like the 8-track tape, the typewriter, and the VCR, there will always be some casualties in the face of growing technology.

The Anti-Social Network

So, if thirty years ago, I told you that people would begin to communicate primarily through their computers, you'd say that I either took Matthew Broderick's "War Games" or George Orwell's "1984" a little too seriously.

If twenty years ago, I said that the second most popular form of communication would occur by telephone, you'd probably sigh with boredom until I told you that it would happen on a phone that wasn't plugged into your wall.

Then, I'd hit you with a real zinger by saying that this wireless phone would actually be used less for the spoken word and more for the written one. This is precisely when you'd promptly suggest that I attend a Trekie convention or Comic-Con.

After decades of these fearless predictions, and sometime in 2011, we'd look back and realize that incredibly, smartphones and other mobile devices have ostensibly become the basic foundation for how we now communicate. And it's not just the devices that matter, it's the distribution systems that are the lifeblood of our modern day communication.

Let's see. We have Gmail, Hotmail, Yahoo Mail, Facebook, Twitter, You Tube and LinkedIn, too name a few. Now, I can show you my vacation through hundreds of pictures and video and never have to tell you about it. I can pass along current information about my life and never have to open my mouth. I can even give you my current location in real time, and let you know how I feel about it, all without ever having to show my face.

The label for this method of communication? Social Media. Social?

When I was a kid, at some point in my parent/teacher conferences, a discussion was had about how I "socialized" with other children. Of course, that always meant face-to-face contact. Currently, being labeled social means that you returned an email within the hour. But never having to see anyone.

Man do we have this backwards. Not everyone's excited about broadcasting every aspect of their experiences. What about about the shy, private, reclusive types that don't feel like sharing their entire lives digitally. They shouldn't be excluded and need a place of their own where they can congregate.

An Anti-Social Network.

These people will have their own website where they can let everyone know where they haven't been. "This month I didn't go to Orlando, Europe, or even into town. In fact, I never left my house." They'd tell you about the dates they never went on, the movies they haven't seen, and all the restaurants they've never been to. Most of these people will probably have cats.

Another great function would be a button where you could periodically de-friend people. As a matter of fact, that would be a major component of this website. Everyone starts with 100 friends and then you'd see how long it takes to get rid of them all. Eventually, they'd turn it into a reality show. Donald Trump would host.

Once per year, all the members of the anti-social network would have a mandatory get-together, face-to-face, and do.......nothing. The website would be the antithesis of Facebook and just be called, "Empty Pages." The web traffic will explode, ad thousands of people would log on, so they never have to log in anywhere else. There wouldn't be a button for "like", just "dislike". The "What's on Your Mind" box would still be present, but it would link directly to a psychiatrist.

I don't know how Marc Zuckerberg missed the boat on this one. I look forward to the IPO.

Please Gong "American Idol"

I really miss Chuck Barris. You remember Chuck Barris, don't you? Creator of both The Newlywed Game and The Gong Show, he was also rumored to be an operative in the CIA. Let's just say, he'd have one of the more interesting resumes on LinkedIn.

But when looking back on a successful career, he will be most remembered for hosting what I consider to the be the precursor and superior version of American Idol - - The Gong Show.

For those who don't remember, the Gong Show had a very simple premise. You competed on stage for a few minutes, performing just about anything you wanted. Singers, dancers, magicians, comedians, musicians, poetry readers, and church choirs, were all fair game. Three celebrity judges would rate your performance on a scale of 1-10 if and only if you made it through your act without one of them grabbing a mallot and smashing a huge gong. This act, of course, signified a general distate for a specific performance or in the a more direct parlance, "You suck."

Chuck Barris was like Ryan Seacrest, with the exception of what seemed like his being on heavy doses of cocaine. (Understandably, this made for a much more charismatic host). Half the fun was in watching Chuck Barris do or say just about anything, and the other half was waiting in anticipation to see if a really bad act would actually find its way around that dreaded gong.

Winners received a nominal cash prize. No record contracts. No national interviews on radio and television talk shows. And you certainly didn't make the national headlines. This was especially true if you won the Gong Show for playing the Star Spangled Banner by whistling your nose hair.

So when Amercian Idol returns every January, I don't watch. I can't. The first four weeks consist of all the horrible acts on the Gong Show that didn't last more than 30 seconds without getting the boot. On American Idol, we have to watch these train wrecks for several minutes. On the Gong Show, these acts would be sprinkled in with others that were actually above average. American Idol makes you watch these tone deaf bastards for one month straight before moving on to anyone that can sing.

If for some reason, you decide to watch through this cold period, you then get to view high end karaoke for the next 20 weeks. Is this really supposed to capture our attention. If I really wanted to watch karaoke, I could find a bachelorette party somewhere in New York City. But let's face it. Who has that kind of time?

As an added bonus, we get to listen to host Ryan Seacrest, who's about as interesting a personality as the guy who died in Weekend at Bernie's. Sometimes he gets to tell the back stories of some of the contestants which all involve someone who used to sing in Church or in a garage rock band who one day dreamed of being on Fox-TV with Simon Cowell. Oh, wait a minute. Simon took off to start another karaoke show. Now you'll have to deal with Steven Tyler, lead singer of Aerosmith.

Is he supposed to be a replacement for Cowell, the Don Rickles of the music industry? And do you really want his opinion on anything? Dream On.

So, here's the cure for American Bile, er, American Idol. Turn it into the Gong Show. If you have to keep the music theme, fine. But let's find judges who know nothing about music at all, and hand them a gong. It would certainly save time. Why do we have to sit and listen to yet another kid doing a Justin Bieber impression for 4 minutes, when they could quickly gong these clowns back to the nearest bus station. Replace Ryan Seacrest with Jim Carrey and now you'd have a show.

Well, Fox would probably never go for it. Gong sounds too much like bong and that might send Steve Tyler back into rehab. But mark my words. This could be the beginning of the end for this evergreen talent contest if they don't make a few tweaks.

I bet, if you asked nicely, you could even get the Unknown Comic to make a comeback.

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

If you ever sat down and made a list of all the things you'd like to teach your children across a lifetime, it would probably resemble the length of the Declaration of Independence.

We all know the basics: "Wear a hat in the winter." "Don't put your hand near the stove." "Brush your teeth." "Look both ways when crossing the street." And who could forget, "Don't take rides with strangers."

These are the easy ones. Minor leagues, really. They were taught to us at an early age when we were at our most impressionable. And through the natural course of daily living, we're fortunate enough to get plenty of practice as parents. Somehow, these incidents seem to present themselves so often that after awhile, our kids can recite the mantras before they even leave our mouths.

After all the standard precautions are out of the way, we move onto a higher level of basic etiquette. "Say you're sorry." "Always say thank you." "When you ask for something, say please." Of course, these are usually less of a slam dunk and could easily go by the wayside. However, at the end of the day, you can sleep at night with the knowledge that you tried to train your kids for the important things in life; even as basic as they are.

We teach the differences between right and wrong and even explain the disparity between good and bad people, as sometimes referred to as "Mensches vs Schmucks". Unfortunately, it's the subcategories that often get forgotten. For me, the eye opener this week happened at Claire's, a costume jewelry store for young girls.

It wasn't the trigger happy ear piercer, or the obnoxious sales clerk. It was someone else that my kids had never experienced before.

THE SHOPLIFTER

My wife first noticed it. A teenager had tucked a pair of earrings in her pocket, and was immediately caught by a very observant sales clerk. She cornered the shoplifter, and asked the cashier to call the police. Our kids were pulled aside from the "crime scene" as they watched with utter amazement that someone would actually try to take something without paying for it.

It was at that moment that I realized that as parents, we never really set aside time to explain the existence of dishonest people in the world. Our kids may have witnessed cheating on a test, or maybe school pranks that end quickly and without permanent harm. However, we never really expose them to....real thieves.

Then the questions begin. "Why did she do that? "What are the police going to do?" "Will she go to jail?" "Could she just say she was sorry?"

The police did eventually arrive, and the kids didn't feel like waiting around to see what the outcome would be. In fact, they didn't even want to do anything else in town. They simply wanted to go home, presumably before they ran into any other shoplifters with inflated pockets.

I told this story to a friend of mine just yesterday, and he mentioned that while inside the mall last week, someone broke the back window of his sport utility to get his mitts on his daugther's iTouch. His kids returned to the car to not only find a missing iTouch, but a hole where the window should be and glass all over their car seats. My friend called the police and his kids finished witnessing their first exposure to theft. He too had to explain his way out of this one while walking on egg shells. He busted out the "some people are poor" card. Then followed up with "maybe his parents didn't teach him the right things to do." It didn't really matter. His kids are still talking about it.

Maybe there isn't a way to ever prepare your kids for people who steal. The unfortunate thing is, it will be all around them for the rest of their lives. It's why the police always have work, and why homes have alarm systems. It keeps security guards in business, and doesn't hurt doormen either. Thievery is like oxygen to Wall Street and a blood transfusion to a used car dealer.

Movies and television can't help us with this kind of education. Somehow "Swiper" from Dora just doesn't have the same impact as real life, especially because he never gets away with it. I guess there may never be a specific way to prepare our kids for the Billy the Kids that reside in our towns, or for that matter in every town. Nobody wants to get robbed. Nobody wants to see a robbery in progress.

So we shelter our kids from the Fagans of the world the best we can. And when they do finally come face to face with someone mean who takes something that doesn't belong to them, we can only hope.

We hope that it's a 9-year old, with a Yankees cap, stealing his first pack of baseball cards.

Observations from 2010

They say you get wiser as you get older, but I think that old adage is somewhat subjective. The jury's still out on me. Nonetheless, I had time to ponder some of the things I've learned over the last year, and decided to put these musings down on paper. So, in no particular order:


Since I walked my dog after the blizzard, I've lost any interest in lemon ices......

When I hear people say Woody and Buzz, I can't tell if they've watching a scene from Toy Story or The Hangover

Over the last 3 years, I've paid enough money to physical therapists to qualify for a time share......

The Wii was only meant for people with little fingers and little hands......

If you get your hair washed by the right shampoo girl, your wife has reasonable grounds to file for divorce.....

We seem to be more worried about bed bugs than terrorists.....

If I keep contributing to 401Ks, IRAs, 529 Plans, life insurance and auto insurance, I should be able to declare bankruptcy sometime around the middle of next year......

These new screening machines at the airport will allow me to get periodic looks at my hip replacement......

They should have sleep away camp for parents.......

I'm waiting for someone to create better medical apps so I can get a colonoscopy from my Ipad......

Conan is funnier when he's being interviewed than when he's interviewing almost anyone else.....

I've grown to trust my car dealer more than real estate brokers, doctors, and Al Qaeda.....

Most waiters make lousy actors, but several actors make good waiters......

Retail clothing stores require the salespeople to wear their merchandise, except for Victoria Secret...and that is truly a travesty...

New Jersey Transit trains should only be used to transport criminals to various prisons.....(wait a minute)

I'll never be able to retire, but at 65 I'm going back to school, and hopefully my parents can take care of me......

When my daughters begin dating, I'm moving out of the house......

People who write blogs should have their heads examined......


HERE'S TO A GREAT 2011.....ANOTHER YEAR OLDER.....AND HOPEFULLY, ANOTHER YEAR WISER.

Some Gifts Keep on Giving

Today officially ends all aspects of holiday gift giving. Chanukah and Christmas are done. The menorah lights have dimmed and soon the bright lights across the rooftops and trees of many houses will as well.

Then and only then can we make a final assessment of how we did with something we all covet - presents! Let's face it, in the end, that's all we care about anyway. At least 25% of the people at these holiday family gatherings we don't want to see more than once a year. The holiday food isn't healthy and usually launches a series of weight loss resolutions. So, in the end, all you really have are the presents.

Before you spend any time going through what hopefully is a large collection, the answer to whether or not you're satified with the 2010 version of your holiday gifts has already been determined. The retailers already know. Because at least 30% of everything bought before December 25th is going right back to the store. (There's a reason why they always ask if you want a gift receipt).

But why do we return so much every single year? Are we a nation of unsatisfactory gift-givers? Do we not know anyone's sweater size? Poor gift choices do not lean towards young or old, male or female. Additionally, it's not because we're unaware of what anyone wants. It's not because of someone's expensive tastes that the majority of us can never truly satisfy. It's not even because we've been married to the same person for 20 years and still don't know their life's hobbies or passions.

The truth of the matter is that the majority of what we buy is crap. We're not to blame. We don't control product design or distribution. We're just a society that loves to spend money or use our credit cards for inferior products. For most of us, the prospect of buying something new is enough. We don't focus on how long it will last because as soon as it wears out or breaks, we can do what we love all over again - - go shopping!

So all this got me thinking, which remains a very dangerous pursuit for both myself and those around me. I racked by brain thinking of products and brands that I've bought or received over the years that I've remained loyal to that had a high level of quality, durability, and longevity - - three critical components to any product purchase. With that said, I was able to come up with only a few stalwarts.

HONDA - I just leased my second Honda Accord and if I count my wife's (3) Pilots, it is now my 5th Honda vehicle. Unlike other cars I've leased, I actually get remorseful and go through a period of separation anxiety when the lease expires. Honda doesn't have the status of a BMW or Mercedes. It doesn't drive like a Porsche or Ferrari. And yet it strikes the same chord everytime I bring home a new one: pride of ownership with never one ounce of trouble. Lexus has become famous for the December to Remember commercials where one spouse surprises another with a new car in a huge gift box or one wrapped with a red bow. Nice commercial. It's just the wrong car.

NORTH FACE - If you've ever owned anything by North Face, you know it does what it says - it keeps you warm. I don't care if it's a windbreaker, a ski jacket, or a fleece. You put one of these babies on, and you may as well be sitting on a yule log. The jackets seem to never wear out, and the majority of us have more than one for every 20 degree change in the temperature. That's what I call loyalty.

APPLE - Go into any Apple retail store and look at the customers. They range from 8 to 80 and they all have the same look on their faces-- Amazement. These customers have already been exposed to Star Trek, the Jetsons, the Twilight Zone, James Bond, the Transformers, and stories from Kurt Vonnegut. All the gadgets we learned about seem to be some precursor to Apple. Computers that can make movies. Laptops that weigh a few pounds. Handheld devices that hold pictures, video, music and contain front facing cameras. Now we're all superheroes from another planet, and we love every minute of it.

COACH - I have spent too much time and money in Coach. If there's a woman in your life, you really have no choice. But the truth is that when you bring one of their bags or wallets home, it's a guaranteed winner. Now there are more expensive places to buy products like theirs and you don't have to look too hard. Not that Coach is so inexpensive. But Coach is durable, upscale, and lasts across many different seasons. These are feats not easily matched. More importantly, Coach provides men with something they rarely get from women - predictability.

NEW BALANCE - Like me, several people suffer from wide arches and need shoes that will accommodate. New Balance has been there for runners, tennis players, weekend athletes and more for years by providing reasonably priced wide width sneakers that provide support throughout any athletic endeavor. And when they go through the normal lifecycle, we tend to repeat our behavior, and buy another pair, just like the one before.

WALL STREET JOURNAL - Every year, I gift a subscription to the Wall Street Journal for my Father. He loves it, and so do I. The paper has recently changed ownership and the format with it, but the content is still interesting, informative, and original. Some will remain devoted to the New York Times, and that's OK too. But the WSJ continues to rack up Pulitzer Prizes in journalism and for good measure. It remains one of the few daily newspapers that have increased their circulation in the face of declining readership across the industry.

Hopefully, you were lucky enough to receive a present this year from one of these manufacturers.

If you did, it will be one less trip to the mall and standing in long lines to make an exchange.